Meet Friends = Good Food = Feel Bloated

Lately I’ve been wandering around Dell’s website, trying to see which computer I want… but the thing is I don’t know when I can buy one… I planned to wait till I have a desk in my room (because maybe then I won’t have to work on the floor and have saved enough to afford paying in installments?), but apparently that’s another infinite wait.

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Until recent years plumpness had always been associated with merriness and joy, like Santa with his big big tummy; The books I grew up reading had most of the “thin/bony” characters portrayed as evil or mean (but to be honest “sour looking” was usually also included in the description); the older Chinese generation could recall a time when a full figure represented wellbeing (we after all have been forced to starvation every once in awhile throughout history) whereas now it just meant medical bills…

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It has just hit me that most of my closer friends are back in Hong Kong. Phyllis’ back from Switzerland (away for 5 years), Tannessa (away for 4) and Apple (away for 1, but then I don’t see her very often when we were university because she’s too busy) from UK… and I am trying to adjust my buggering at them every so often because somehow I half expect them to be on the go again very soon. I still start my phone calls or text messages to Tannessa with “I’m still not used to being able to call you whenever I want to” even though she’s been back for around two months. Now I am talking and meeting up friends more often, especially in these two weeks, which is great… but as to keep the world’s equilibrium in place, some bad has to come out from it.

I, like most of the female population (unfortunately), have always been fixated on my figure and vowed to lose weight almost as long as I lived (but then by Asian standards I was/am overweight). Lucky for me, I’ve always been sensible about it; never made myself sick, turned to laxatives, staved myself, took up crazy diets… but nevertheless still obsessed. Most of the time I avoided ordering takeaways by staring at my wallet; I rarely bought junk food when I go out for groceries because when facing the aisles I just don’t want to (and thinking about my wallet also helps). So sometimes when I have a sudden urge for junk food, I turned to the peanut butter jar for comfort because there’s nothing else to eat at home.

If I ever do buy junk food (like Oreos), I would polish the whole pack in one go with a small glass of milk (thank God my mom doesn’t read this). Good thing is I feel more happy than guilty after such a treat, but I just have to make sure I won’t be doing that again too often too soon. But up to this point it’s obvious that I’ve been gaining weight, cos if I weren’t I wouldn’t be babbling here about my eating habits. Most of the time I go out with friends after work, we have dinner, eat good food and that’s when I’m in trouble… I tend to eat very little for dinner at home because my digestive system is so slow the digestion keeps me up at night, and whenever I have a normal portion of dinner the night before, I feel bloated for the entire next day…

22/11 Sun – (Dinner) Daphne’s birthday dinner at Spaghetti House with Phyllis and others, meal consist of pizza, spaghetti, fondue and lots of cake…

24/11 Tue – (Tea) went out with Melody to get coffee and junk food for the office… and inhaled a pair of Twix…

25/11 Wed – (Tea) whole box of cinnamon Teddy Graham crackers.

26/11 Thu – (Tea) 12 Oreos

27/11 Fri – (Tea) another 12 Oreos, and Melody bought me Hong Kong’s all time favourite (recently voted as most popular snack among primary school children): 雞蛋仔 (Hong Kong style waffles / Egg Puff…?).

28/11 Sat – (Dinner) cheese fondue and ice cream with Apple and Morgan

29/11 Sun – (Lunch) sushi with grandma and mom (not a lot though, but I was too well fed for the week…)

1/12 Tue – (Dinner) Shanghai dumplings, rice and stuff with Tannessa; ice cream for dessert

2/12 Wed – (Dinner) Haagan Dazs all-you-can-eat ice cream with Melody and Stephanie from work.

3/12 Thur – (Tea) Sushi and ice cream with Apple

Basically for two whole weeks I felt either full or bloated at all waking moments… it always leaves me a joyful warm feeling when I see friends and dine with them, but too much bliss will gradually become not so much if I don’t control myself and do both in “moderation”…

Just as I thought today I can start getting back in track and go to dance class (the last time I went was a week ago…), and I got a call from my mom saying that she wants me to go to a family dinner tonight with her, which again means eating noodles string by string to keep my mind and hands occupied without looking awkward. So I guess it’s my cue to say “it couldn’t be helped; I will start tomorrow :)”.

Not Thin, the new Obese in Hong Kong.

Today I was in Shatin, being alone, minding my own business and was on my way to the bus stop, when suddenly a young woman approached me. She, in her cunning way, strike up a conversation with me and gave me a brochure on losing weight. She said it wasn’t all about losing weight, but also other health problems, like skin. I asked her how she picked her targets (aka victims) to talk to. She gave me a vague answer, saying that she also talks to thin people about the company that helped her. She gave me a lot of Before After pictures. Anyway, I was wearing makeup today; supposedly I was less conscious of myself looking bad in any way, and that I Know I can look really Hostile when I don’t smile, especially with make up on (that’s what you get with naturally small but piercing eyes). Therefore, she ruined my day, by reminding me I have to lose weight. (Because I Do Not have any obvious Skin problems, especially with make up on.)

Then last week, just on my usual route from the MTR to the dance studio, I was bothered twice by the gang of Evil Women, who kept on tapping my shoulder, and asked “Missy…?!??!?!”. Evil Women Gang asks people questions about their size, their salary, and asked if they were interested in modeling clothes. Hallo? I’m not thin, but I’m not obese, pregnant, nor stupid. With hips my size I can barely find jeans that doesn’t look like my second layer of skin. I’m so short that every time we talk to people, Jojo always blocks me horizontally (not on purpose hopefully). Me modeling? Quoting Dorothy Koomson’s The Chocolate Run (or The Cupid Effect, I forgot) – “Haha bloody ha”. Right now I just shrug off their hand and walk past them without breaking a sweat. Needless to say, they still pissed me off immensely and I actually wanted to be physical when dealing with them (like breaking their arm). I understand they’re just doing their job, but seriously, they bother me (and I believe many others) a lot.

Okay, so I’ve gain weight, big deal. I can always lose it. But what bothers me is that I know at this moment of time I don’t Urgently Need to lose weight, but I am somehow “told” by Random Strangers that I should. That always damages my already chipped self-confidence. Quite possibly, if it wasn’t because of dancing, I’d probably stop because my face looks too thin to match my built and I have low blood pressure. I’m not saying I’m more than 50% satisfied with my figure, but I cope by being a normal, financially challenged, stubborn young adult (teenager no longer works for me, does it? Being 21 already @@).

Maybe for Hong Kong standards I’m on the pathway of being obese.

Now that’s scary thought. If that’s the case, I can just give up. In fact, I’m on my way; I just had a cheesecake with my bowl of noodles for dinner.

3.141592654…

Nesa:

再加視覺上的刺激 我怕我精神分裂的問題惡化呢.

我媽向你問好, 哈哈.

 

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又來 “很久沒寫 diary” 的句子.

 

很久沒寫 diary.

我連續兩星期都有烤蘋果批和南瓜批.

兩次都是星期一, 因為我只有星期一晚是最悠閒的.

第一次是我烤批最失敗的一次,

蘋果批酸得令我胃痛呢…

所以不太敢給人吃.

結果要 Winnie, Jojo, Ana (體藝的師妹), 和 Isaac 挨義氣 ^^

(由於 Ada 吃過好吃的, 所以不敢給她了)

(吉? 我就無謂獻醜啦…)

 

第二次, 成功!!!~~~

沒有機會給 Winnie, 其餘的都有再給他們品嚐

(我要 delete 之前的批的記憶體)

其中最開心是給 Jason 和 Pure.

因為 Jason 是專程由 Poly到灣仔拿兩份批再返 Poly 的.

還是送給會欣賞的人好些吧,

無謂浪費我的功夫在…沒什麼.

五月我會再烤給今次沒有機會吃的朋友們呢~~~

 

下星期返學.

胖了不少.

(胖到當 tutor 說某 step 要叉腰時我差點說 “沒有腰那怎樣辦?”)

(很現實的 gag 呢.)

我又開始披上我的navy blue 摟, T-shirt 牛仔褲的 “校服” 了.

這個sem break 沒有溫書… 只有睡和吃.. 和返工.

 

Office, 我多了很多工作量.

遲些返學也會不斷走堂… 因為要長時間留在公司.

我的人工不是白拿的…

So Cheap

Today I went and left The Office early. I told Dad that I was going to school, which was not untrue – I was to get my Student I.D. card. No need to mention that. I went there with Angel (after a lot of reasons, the name “Angel” no longer comes to me as a girl’s name; instead I was thinking it as a name for a boy…). To be frank she just accompanied to all over HK, since after getting the card I was going to Infinity.

 

Tuesday and Wednesday’s lessons weren’t at all enjoyable. On Tuesday there was this sissy guy and his friend who “jumped the queue” – like, running to the first row, facing the mirror and stayed there till the end of the lesson. That gave innocent people, who originally stood there and only left for a drink of water an unpleasant shock. Do people understand that What they are Doing is So totally Rude, and actually shows how Lowly Educated they are? I don’t know if this is a valid adjective in English, but in Cantonese “So Cheap” would be the perfect description for these people. They are Not the Only Few who does that in Infinity. I understand that these people wanted to face the mirror directly, but don’t they know they have to Show Up early, instead of Showing Off their upbringings?

 

This Mr.-Sissy-Guy, whom I dearly suspect has an infatuation for the tutor (which is Bo, if you were wondering), kept on banging his fist at me. That perhaps is because he wanted to be nearer the tutor and I was in the way. I ended up giving up, telling him I’m willing to swap places with him, which he accepted with enthusiasm. After some time, I also swap places with his friend, cos even though I swapped places with Mr.-Sissy-Guy, it didn’t keep his fist off me.

 

So Tuesday I left, fuming. 

 

Wednesday was the first Beginners’ lesson for Pop Jazz. Ada promised to accompany me. Once the on-going class was dismissed, there was chaos at the doors. I just got to the second row, since Miss-Full-of-Herself, her loyal sidekick and a newly recruited member came bagging the good places. I dunno why, maybe Miss-FOH realized that her gang wasn’t beside her, but she suddenly said to me “Swap with me” and then pushed me forward… I’m not a fool. She wasn’t secure enough to stand front place, and right next to the tutor cos she doesn’t know how hard this class is going to be. Fortunately I didn’t make a fool out of myself.

 

Then suddenly, during mid-lesson Ada took my place, which kind of shocked me. I guess there was some kind of reason for that. Then there was the person behind me who kept on stepping on my feet… well Ada did too… oh well. Anyway, once again, during “drink and be merry” time, Miss-FOH and her subjects came back to the spot light (front row). WHAT??? What do they think they are? Who gave them the right to do this kind of thing? Because they are prettier, thinner, more talented? But they weren’t, exactly stunning, not particularly thin, and not as talented as I assume they think they are.

 

I left early.

 

Today, Ada and I attended Leung’s lesson. As usual he didn’t give me much attention, but Ada’s was a different story. After that lesson Ada decided to attend the following lesson too, and I asked Leung why he didn’t give me much comment and was there something I did wrong (I sometimes can be very thick-skinned you know). He gave me really useful comments, e.g. about my shoulders, timing, lose weight(oh my…)… etc. I left feeling happy because I finally got some good comments that I could work on.

 

Ada called and told me how happy she was because in the second lesson (Yiu’s) he gave her his attention and always gave her comments during the lessons. Then when she got out of the classroom Leung also told her what she needed to pay attention in order to improve. She decided that she will continue to attend Leung’s lesson cos she felt he really did understand and know what was her problem in her moves and was willing to teach her. After the call, I felt really bemused. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? Is it because I’m born hateful? I really envy Ada, because every lesson she goes, everyone give her attention.

 

I must be hideous; why else people would treat me like this?

 

Maybe I’m just not special. That’s what’s wrong.

Nut Case

聽過拉根時, 痛苦的呻吟聲嗎?

她的, 像要達到高潮那般痛苦.

 

(我的思想真污衊.)

 

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Edith – I didn’t hide this from you; how Dare I?? ^++++^

 

Janette – Do Not Flatter Youself.

 

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I can’t believe it.

 

This day started off normal. Really.

 

I went to Infinity again. I got there early, as usual. I stood on my usual corner, watching Yiu’s class and was about to read a new book I bought (The Phantom of the Opera. Kinda interested in classics these days). Just then the tutor who’s class I was to attend, Bo, came out of the staff room and was all “Jennifer, I forgot the steps I taught last week”. Being super-conscious about my forgetfulless, I told him a few steps. Book still in my hand, I really didn’t act eager to show him. I even said something like “I expected you to teach Me” half jokingly, which I guess to him was Sarcasm. I didn’t try to act friendly either. Didn’t worth it, I suppose.

 

Almost immediately Ana, a form 5 girl (this year) from TIC, arrived and I immediately told her to tell Bo what steps we learnt last week. I kept on reading the exam paper Ana gave me, giving her some advice. She, I think, remember the gist of dance. A few times I heard them saying whatever step wasn’t right, I reminded them if I remembered. I guess I did remember the whole thing.

 

During the lesson he didn’t seem to see me at all, as always. Every tutor does this to me. Fine. I’m dumb with my limbs, I know. After I change back to my normal gear I hang out for a while, watching and envying those really brilliant people following Siu May’s body waves.

 

Then I got a pat on my shoulder. It was my tutor. He thanked me for reminding him the steps as he really forgot most of them. I was shocked, cos this wasn’t the only time I remind him, and I really didn’t do much reminding (recalling my off-hand manner). After that he said he took a recording of me during the lesson (WHAT?). He told me that if I really wanted to improve, there is this thing I really need to do (okay, I’m listening) – Lose a couple of pounds.

 

Excuse me?

 

I’m not offended or anything; I’ve been telling everyone I know that I Wanted to lose weight. But that was really the last thing I would expect him to tell me. The funny thing is, just last Friday I asked him what could I do, to improve (and expecting no answer cos it was O.B.V.I.O.U.S that he didn’t B.O.T.H.E.R). He said that as I’m not going to make out a career out of Dancing, I could just enjoy it and really don’t need to improve. Terrific. Today, I didn’t ask for opinions. Not that I don’t welcome them, it’s just, you don’t get them for Free in Infinity. You’ve got to be a Favourite to have one of those.

 

Ada gave me an explanation, which I also had one similar is that he wants to have a few loyal fans around in his class. I gave him the cold shoulder and he freaks. The only thing that I can’t through is, isn’t it kind of strange getting in someone’s good books by saying someone’s fat? I never took him as a dumb person before. Perhaps I still need to observe a bit more.

 

Since then I’m obsessed of my weight… so it’s a good thing, right? Driving myself nuts.