Looking into 1989.06.04

Suddenly I remember Molly telling me I can never be with a Japanese guy. I asked her why, and she said because she saw how worked up I was when we were working on our history project, regarding WWII, Japanese Occupation in Hong Kong, the Nanjing Massacre.

 

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For several months there has been so much commotion in Hong Kong regarding the Incident on the Fourth of June, 1989 at Tiananmen Square, China. I cannot refer it as a “Massacre” yet because this part of history hasn’t been officially recognized; no full records of the actual happenings and the number of deaths is still unclear.

 

I’ve heard several debates and was frustrated; those old politicians who so immediately disregard others’ opinion because they weren’t quick enough to say “the Chinese government are murderers” and attempted to see the whole incident in a different light; those university students who weren’t mature enough to comprehend the views of both government and the people, or simply saw it as another story; the many minutes or even hours arguing on semantics on referring an historical event that has yet to be recognized, let alone put in words.

 

My thoughts, as another simple twenty-two-year-old (I wanted to refer myself as a university graduate, but then university hasn’t helped me form any of my conclusions; don’t want to blame them for my simple ideas).

 

First, I think it is important to look from different perspectives of the two parties involved in the June Fourth Incident in order to understand why certain decisions were made and to make your own judgment. I think enough was said about on how brave those university students were when they openly made their discontent of the current government known out of patriotism, but were repaid by being attacked in the middle of the night by a fully armed army, firing around even though people were already running away from the square, and had military tanks ran over them. What the government did was obviously wrong and cruel and no one deserved it. Nevertheless we should still try to see things from the government’s side. It might not register as a cold-blooded decision to them when they ordered the troops to enter the city.

 

At that moment of history, while Chinese students and civilians all over the world were trying to urge the PRC to reform in terms of politics, market, speech… etc, the Chinese government saw the two-month protest of students as a threat to the normal operations of the country and must be stopped. China, not exactly famous for being open-minded and big about the rights of the people, were not comfortable with such “western” ideas those university students were proposing. Those politicians were old Chinese-father types with an authoritarian complex, and like many Chinese families when dealing children when they were disobedient or step out of the line and the father felt their authority was being threatened, they saw corporal punishment, Fear, was the way to go.

 

If we look back into Chinese history (or basically world history), those in power usually chose to use fastest and easiest way to stop things getting out of hand; they needed a sense of control and naturally saw violence and suppression as the solution to create a momentary stage of “peace”. Even now the world is still using war as a way to getting peace, using weaponry as a way to create a harmonious society… so with the heat up, the top guys in China decided that not only do they have to stop the protests, but they have to create a fear so great that people won’t start things up again.

 

It is crucial to know what was done was nothing new throughout history. Not saying that makes their decisions right, but it makes it understandable and the people involved cannot be entirely put in to blame. We are currently judging history with a modern perspective, which might not be fair; what we see as basic rights today were rare privileges. So what the student body was asking for were quite a lot at that stage. The government saw the protests as a threat to the country’s operation; they cannot see what those university students were doing was just trying to get their voices being heard, out of the love for their country. Those university students did not understand how difficult it is to run a country, were too fast into taking their western counterparts experience as an example and protested for their rights. At the same time, there were no means for the people’s voices to be heard and to be dealt with seriously by the government other than creating a stir.

 

The problem was that the government was too slow into accepting new ideas and were too comfortable into exercising their power to a point that they cannot see what they did was inhumane; the student body was too fast into asking for so many things that were unheard of throughout Chinese history, didn’t take to account that those in power were their grandfathers and fathers who are stubborn and cannot bear their authority to be challenged. Negotiation was not a concept that the older generation grasps well when dealing with the younger generation whom they also believe knows less. One side too stubborn to really listen, another was not yet mature enough to know how to make their dreams realized without being headstrong, and because what they did was out of patriotism and for the good of the country, they thought it is automatically justify what they did. Actions from both sides were understandable but what both did wrong was they thought they knew better; both didn’t recognize the fact that they were dealing with people with emotions and traits, not just the operations of a country.

 

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My mother (and many others) thought people today are wasting their time on demanding the Chinese government to officially address the Tiananmen Square Incident. There were several ideas: 1. People today are dwelling over the past, and did not see the importance of an apology. They say we should see the establishment of China today and focus on the future; 2. the whole world knows about June Fourth someway or any other (because it was broadcasted at that time), and the politicians knew it was wrong and have learnt their lesson;  3. In the past emperors has done terrible stuff, like Qin Shi Huang who unified China and had people build the Great Wall, was responsible of killing everyone who opposed him and burning valuable scrolls and literature. No one has asked him or China to apologize for his actions; 4. China is never going to apologize or make it officially know just because people demand it, so we might just as well accept it and move on.

 

First the past always comes back to you, and we aren’t talking about a person that will die within a hundred years, but a country which unless some maniac decides to destroy the world *cough*, is going to be around for a very long time. Whatever happens to that country moulds it and what to us humans is a decade or two, means only a few microseconds of a country’s life cycle. Looking in the bigger picture, addressing June Fourth is not only doing justice to those who were killed, but also essential to China’s growth. If we let the government go without owning up to its mistakes, hiding its flaws, choosing what it wants to accept as its life story… it’s unhealthy. I’m not looking for a public apology, but don’t treat it as a taboo subject and prosecute anyone who dares to mention it. There are times you can admit you made bad decisions, but that does not necessarily amounts to an apology because maybe you think you did what you had to do under certain circumstances. As I’m not a politician, it’s probably beyond my ability to understand why they didn’t explore other possible solutions to that period of mayhem. My biggest problem is why they want to mess with their history.

 

Regarding the lessons learnt the incident in Tiananmen Square, I see China today has learnt to make any large scale gathering that was not authorized by the officials illegal; it has learnt not to allow anyone to publicly oppose the government’s decisions in case it stirs up something big; the government has learnt to filter information, books, news and everything that may give ideas to their people that their country isn’t perfect. These were the “mistakes” China made, from allowing the protest to start from the first place. Are these the twisted lessons we want China to learn? The difference between Qin Shi Huang and June Fourth, is that what he did were recorded down and learned by every Chinese. Also, he was a monarch, one single being with selfish wants; his grasps of the people dies with him and he probably didn’t know better. Supposedly the formation of a government was to combine the minds of the able and come up with better ways of guiding their country to a better future; a government lives well longer than a king and should be all about serving the country. When several heads came up with the conclusion that the peoples’ voices should be drained by firepower, there is a problem. No one is denying Qin Shi Huang has done great things, but no one is saying he didn’t make mistakes. Why should the PRC government be any different?

 

It has just been 20 years since June Fourth, no one knows the actual facts, and most youngsters today really don’t care about history. Today the world probably has already forgotten about it, leaving only a group of people in Hong Kong, who mostly compose of people over thirty, to remind all Chinese outside China about it, and get the younger generation to care about something they have not experienced so that they can continue to insist June Fourth to be officially recognized. So obviously it isn’t enough to leave this part of history known. If the government doesn’t want people to fabricate the truth and make China look worse than it already is, then take control of the story. I’ve asked this question and turns out I’m not alone, is that if China wants Japan to officially recognize Nanjing Massacre, they should understand and set an example and address June Fourth.

 

So maybe China will never accept it as part of their history, but if Hong Kong people today don’t make a big deal out of it, this in a way is allowing the PRC government to get away with things and I believe any country, not only China, would make a habit out of it if no one complains loudly. Those public mourning, protests and education are necessary if people don’t want to give up all their power to the government, and they should not be regarded as a waste of time. Hong Kong is playing a bigger role in this than people realize, because Hong Kong (and probably Macau) is the only region that belongs to China and is still “allowed” to say something about it (as long as those activist don’t go to Mainland China and has no desire to join the PRC government body).

 

Regarding June Fourth, I thought what happened was almost inevitable; culture played a big part of how has happened and what is happening now, but what’s most important is how we deal with it today. I don’t expect the PRC to apologize for their actions (I think up to now they still think what they did was necessary…), but what I want is them to officially accept what they’ve done, not treat it as a taboo subject and have it officially taught in schools as part of Chinese history. History might be written by those in power and it does not reflect the entire truth, but at the very least the story is known.

 

If the PRC government thought what they did was necessary, then don’t treat it as a shameful tale and try making everyone forget all about it; if they knew what they did was mass murder, then face it. Whether we like it or not, that is going to be part of our history forever and hiding from our past can do us no good. Just because people are pointing out problems of the current situation of their country doesn’t mean they want to overthrow the government; it just means they care and want the country to turn better, not worse.

Physical and Psychological Torment that men might not be able to handle.

For some reason a book that I read almost three years ago came up to my mind today. It made me sick to my stomach; knowing that it was based on a true story I couldn’t bring myself to read it a second time for a while. It’s Lorenzo Carcaterra – Sleepers. All I can say is, if anyone deserves to die for their sins, those men who were shot certainly did.

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There was this book I read, Catherine Atkins – When Jeff comes home, a couple of years ago. Immediately after finishing it I had Vincent and Steven read it. When I told my mom the theme of the book and I had my brothers to read it, she was ready to strangle me but after I told her my thoughts she wasn’t so displeased. Basically it was about a young boy who was kidnapped when he was 13, was held captive and sexually abused for almost three years.

If you ask a girl what could be the worst thing that could ever happen to her, it would include either being killed (climbing up into the girl’s room that was at least ten stories high in the middle of the night, stab and decapitate her… ah the power of love.) or getting raped. Even for the most clueless girl, the term rape must have at some point crossed her mind. Not to de-dramatize the whole ordeal, but at the very least the worst was somehow “expected” and most of the time they have a vague idea of how much they can lose. Not to mention women have grown up surrounded by horrible tales of such physical and mental torture and learn to somewhat avoid situations when there is such a threat.

Ask guys the same questions, the worst they could think of would probably be either getting killed or castrated. Very rarely would they consider rape. However, because most guys have so little education on this subject where they might be the victim, or that it seems to them that they have little possibility of facing it in normal life, the damage can be so much deeper; because in no way can they imagine the degree the shame and helplessness… it’s humiliation down to the core, down to the most basic animalistic characters of the body and soul… and it’s forever. Rape is more likely to break a guy because of their inborn pride and ego as a male being. Girls, even with strong female pride, somehow are mentally more adapted (because of the “training” through out history maybe?) of recovering from psychological torment (this is Definitely NOT a reason why you rape a girl…). All this makes guys more vulnerable to such attacks.

The most terrible thing about rape is that it’s almost unpreventable. I’ve heard of a father attempting to rape his baby girl three days after the baby was carried home; mothers sexually assaulting their sons; the case of the father in Austria imprisoned and raped his daughters for over twenty years… my parents never really specifically taught me to protect myself against issues as such, rather they told me to be constantly vigilant of my surroundings, don’t trust no one because anyone could hurt you… etc @@. So I wonder, how is it possible for me to teach my children (if I decide to have any) of such horrors? How can I hint to them that anyone, even their own parents, their aunties and uncles… can hurt you and in such a tremendously haunting way, and I probably have to remind them from time to time? I have to teach them that somehow they can trust no one. How can you teach your child to differentiate a simple hug or a kiss from something more? A child’s mind shouldn’t be polluted the world’s hideousness, but by keeping them ignorant would probably be the worst thing to do…

So when I read a blogger expressing how that unemployed guy, who killed his three sisters and beheaded his sister who just had her five-year-old birthday, deserves to die, I was thinking, that guy was under stress, he was sick, he was mentally weak… his actions were almost understandable. I believe that even though a person killed other people, it doesn’t give us, other human beings the right to do the same thing and kill (i.e. decide whether a person deserves to live). But rape… it’s not simply about the physiological need to have sex; people have targets, obsessions… something that can only be done by the intelligent human beings. I wonder with disgust of how humanity could manage to produce monsters as such.

The things you learn from Dancing.

I’m procrastinating again…

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I was reading a friend’s blog and found myself envying how completely honest she could be in her writing… When you write under a pseudonym you have the liberty of saying anything you want with little impact on your daily life and probably fewer consequences. To be brutally honest (or is this a brutal description of myself?), people write because they have something to say or express, and they want to share it with the world when most won’t take the time to listen when they do it in person. So all this may lead to the easy conclusion that either you can never truly share your life story or your mind, or that blog writers who writes with no specific theme are probably sad sad people who is just craving for attention but cannot get it in the real world.

But whatever, I’m still doing it. As I told my friend, I like taking credit of my occasional odd ideas, that’s why art and writing works for me.

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Lately I have been going to fewer dance classes than before (from my highest record of 6 classes a week to 1 or 2 classes now @@). I guess it is a good thing because I have more time in my hands, I get to save up a lot of money and I come to enjoy it more … I have different priorities now, and I’m no longer using it as a drug (my father’s metaphor.).

I remember wanting to do this since form 1, after me and my geeky friends had so much fun cheerleading for our house at the swimming gala and sports day. There was this dance club in school and I watched them at awe every time they performed annually at the end of the school year. I thought “alright I’ll try that club out when I slim down” but then forgot all about it.

Until form six, when I had so much in my hands already (the student union, slipping grades, the fact that taking up a-level art amounts to the same workload of two a-levels), I decided to give it a shot. I don’t exactly know why, but I recall that particular morning waking up and thought “if I don’t do this now, I won’t, ever”. I told Tannessa this and it so happens she tried taking lessons the last summer and she could take me to the studio she goes to. She accompanied me for a class or two, but because of her also busy schedule, I was on my own. It first started off with one class per fortnight. Then gradually it was one class per week… and now here I am, always feeling restless for my next class.

There are some surprisingly things I’ve come to learn from my time in the dance studio. First was the popular perception of “teachers”. I think most of us see those who teach us as “Teachers” and that we half expect them to be mature or at the very least be a decent person. Even thought I’m perfectly aware that it’s not necessarily true, subconsciously looking up to someone who teaches you is normal and it is difficult to make it absolutely clear to yourself that these are just regular people when you only see or interact with them at their forte.

Another note is for those like me, up to this point of life “teachers” have been more or less those in schools who in some way or another deserved my respect, and has taught me more than the required text. So naturally you perceive those who teach would share these similarities. In the dance studio, that apparently is not the case. Not that I used to believe in whatever my teachers say without asking loads of questions, but I see so many people around me falling into this trap.

I became aware that anyone could be a teacher and they certainly don’t have to pass any morality test. Especially in this dance studio you have to really understand that most of the time the relationship between instructors and students is just a commercial provider-client relationship, not a teacher-student relationship you experienced in school (Unless you are talented or attractive or whatever, still a whole different relationship). They don’t have to care whether you do well or not and they don’t have to be sincere. So ultimately you must rely on your own judgment whenever anyone gives you comments and advice, especially those you admire for their talent and are naturally inclined to trust their opinions.

Second, I’ve learnt how to not treat everything so seriously. I don’t show it often but I am a very competitive person; I compare myself with almost everyone and I always want to be better even though I understand it’s impossible for someone to be good at everything. In dance, your performance is not directly proportional with time and effort. The longer I went to classes, the more pressure I had on myself because people who started were doing a lot better than I did… it did drive me to improve but I knew it shouldn’t affect me so much and I shouldn’t be thinking “oh I should have done better this way or that way” every single time the music stops.

It slowly dawn to me that dancing is just a recreational hobby of mine and it should be a way for me to relax, not stress over; I should be having fun and probably fun only. Understandably you want to do well in something you like, but you also have to learn who you should compare yourself with, and the importance of looking back and see where you were at the beginning and see how you yourself have progressed. One of my instructors said I lost that competitive streak I used to have, so that’s why I’m progressing slower than my peers. I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing anymore.

There are so much other things I got to think about, like individuality expressed with fashion (the fact that they think they are expressing individuality and good fashion sense when I, hmm really won’t like to comment on that), how to approach and interact with all sorts of different people; how to deal with stuck up people, being in an environment and surrounded by people you don’t identify with, the dynamics between “friends”, how aggressive, inconsiderate and impolite people can be…

Yesterday I looked at myself in front of the mirror while waiting for class to start. I really liked it that I don’t look nor act like a dancer because I love shocking people who think they Know my Type; It sometimes surprises me even when just a few seconds before the choreography starts I’m still this quiet together young lady (don’t laugh) and then I Move. Regardless of me doing it well or not, I still marvel the fact that this girl who dares to stand in front of the mirror dancing with a room full of “cool people”, is me @@. I also love that I get to let that other side of me out regularly, because frankly I don’t get to do that in normal life. If having a full time job later doesn’t make me too exhausted, I guess I won’t be stopping anytime soon.

I’m doing my bit to the world….

By wrecking those who need to study.

Every single time, just before exams, I kept on going back playing simple computer games. It used to be Neopets’ flash games, then it was Minesweeper (which I played by setting 10s, 60s, and 180s time limit and not using flags… that’s how bored and mo-liu I can be)… now it’s Restaurant Rush, a game very similar with Bejeweled.

There are one-hour trials everywhere, and I downloaded and saved a few different versions for future procrastination. It is kind of annoying when I always have to start from the beginning. I tried getting my brothers to help me download a cracked version, but they always dismiss me by throwing “go study” at my face. However the one hour thing actually works for me because after an hour I will have to accept the fact that it really is study time.

Then I came up with an idea (which seemed perfectly logical in my head, with my limited knowledge of games, codes and other computer stuff) and I experimented. Instead of uninstalling the game trials every time I finish playing for that one hour, I leave it, and when I install a new one, I save it in the same old directory… sometimes it turns out that I only have two minutes remaining after my new installation, sometimes I still have to start from the beginning, but a lot of times I can start from where I left off, and Sometimes as long as I don’t close the application, it runs forever. I also tried leaving my computer as standby mode and the next morning, it’s still there, up and running… =_____=. Why a long face? That’s because I’m supposed to stop after One hour and Study… and I knew I have at least 25% chance of playing non stop for the whole night.

Guess what was the outcome tonight? I know it works because I’ve done this before, but still I have to start… now I can’t stop =___=.

Anyway just thought anyone out there who loves procrastinating as much as I do, and has no luck (or simply too lazy) at finding a crack version of certain flash games, this might be the way to go.

(Those who are too lazy to find those installation files, I’ll send you my own batch. Might as well give a helping hand…)

“My Fortune”

Edith, this might not be the essay you have in mind @@, I don’t really have much to say on this subject… but anyway Happy Birthday and I hope you would like this piece.

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Ask me what I see in my future a few years ago, my reply would probably begin with “I see myself lying down quietly, serene even, inside a box lined with silk…” Now it’s “I see myself engulfed by fierce red flames, but I feel no pain… ”as in Hong Kong every little inch of land is translated directly into currency, it would be hell of a price to pay if you want a burial. But even in not so morbid terms, it appears that the older you get, the more your fortune is “fixed”.

 

When you were young, there seem to be endless opportunities; you can be a sorcerer, a superhero, a fish… then when you began primary school you found that you liked math and science, so you thought of becoming a scientist or a doctor, and eventually help mankind. In high school, life gets more complicated; those chemistry books get much more difficult to understand and when the teacher solves a math problem on the board, it was like you were watching someone doing magic tricks.

 

Working really hard you got yourself a place in a good university, but after struggling with your first engineering course you decided that there’s a very slight chance you can really become a scientist – there’s still a long way ahead and frankly, you doubt your ability and passion for science after all those years of the hard work you’ve been through to get this far (and you’re still nowhere near your goal). So trying to be mature and realistic, you studied business instead. You did okay and eventually landed a job in a branch of a big company. About to be promoted to branch manager, you got married and have kids. Then you listen to your son while he tries to explain why he wants to be a fish.

 

We always tend to think it’s too late to change our lives or start something new when we reach to a certain age. Perhaps when we grow older, we have more to lose (like money or pride) and we have more responsibilities, and therefore we do not dare to try something new. So maybe we shouldn’t be too transfixed or be too worried about our fortune, because as we let time slip by unnoticed, the less we can do about our future…

 

One year of my life.

Another overwritten Ugly memory.

 

On my way to the East gate I passed by the Main Library. It was late at night and no one was around, so I stopped there for a moment to take everything in; the democracy walls, the benches under the big tree, everything was so quiet… suddenly I thought of the last three years of my life, my choices. My official last day of school was last Friday, and after exams and presentations in May, I will be leaving HKU and I’m looking forward to that. It was funny actually, for almost my whole first year when people asked me where I go to school, I avoided giving an exact answer, throwing stuff like “just another local university; it’s all the same”.

 

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I remember my registration day and my forgetting to be happy. Things were great on paper; I got in to the one of the finest school in Hong Kong, people kept on promising me how great university life would be, and my friend I knew outside school was also admitted to the same programme. We were ushered around, getting our student id photos taken and people kept on handing flyers and random publications of the school. I couldn’t seem to join in everyone else’s enthusiasm. It was when I sat down, staring at this computer magazine and listening to the busy people chattering, that I had this feeling that I wasn’t going to like my time here.

 

I was working full time in my parents’ office since I finished my A-Levels. I remember that I wasn’t allowed to go to the orientation camp because “it was a waste of time and the office needs me” and me hating the fact that I couldn’t make these sorts of decisions myself. I was looking forward for school to start because I didn’t want to be under my father’s eye more than necessary. It came out as a shock when I was expected to continue working even after school starts. I tried going to the office early to finish most of the stuff before going to school, but my father said I must come back during office hours when there were people around. So between classes I kept on going back and forth from school to the office and spent an hour on communing. Most of the time I couldn’t finish my work within those few hours, so I skipped classes very often. The lectures I did attend I dozed off. Needless to say I couldn’t catch up with my school work and I was starting to fear that I couldn’t even graduate.

 

Everyone was used to me disappearing. My friend was getting tired of taking care of me because I couldn’t hand in my assignments and knew nothing about deadlines. After my first exam I was terrified that I was going to be kicked out of school. I remember it was around Christmas when I told my father that I couldn’t cope with both work and school. He told me no one goes to lectures, no one has such a hard time as I do, everyone has a job besides school, my work only takes up two hours, and I must be stupid if I have such difficulties. I ended up saying yes I am stupid, but the fact that I’m still flunking my exams doesn’t change so I still think I have to stop working, or at least just come during weekends.

 

Then again the rhetorical question “if I tell you if you don’t work in the office, the place will shut down, would you work?”. After such an “exchange” my brothers and I were supposed to go shopping with my mom. I couldn’t recall what was I thinking or how I felt back then, but I remember not being able to speak at all that day and I made my mom cry because she sees how unhappy I was. Later I came up with the conclusion that Vincent was going to graduate high school soon, and when I get to my second year, he can take over my work in the office and since he’s the brighter one, he should have less difficulties. It was told that my priority is the office not school, but the work I was doing there was nothing someone with a brain couldn’t do, so they can easily hire another person to take my place, since they do pay me salary.

 

During Christmas holiday my workload in the office increased. I was sleeping so hard in class, in the office… my limbs were somehow filled with fatigue for some unknown reason. I remember that particular moment when I was dragging myself on the streets, it came to me I couldn’t remember a time when I didn’t feel physically or mentally exhausted. For a time I blamed it on my dance classes. I know I should stop going because I kept on saying that I have no time, but I couldn’t because the sad thing was, that’s the only place I could stop thinking what a mess I’m in. It was ironic; I felt most comfortable at a place where I didn’t like the people, and back then I still had this urge to prove to those instructors that I wasn’t talentless and therefore pressure. But still it was that one and a half hour, three times a week that kept me sane.

 

I felt like a failure in every way possible. Everyone in school was doing great. I was no one and nothing  I did or thought was of importance. Give me a call and I have to fly back to the office ASAP, regardless of where I was or what I was doing. Everything was my fault because other people don’t make mistakes. I had to take everything in without a word. Even people outside the school or office were trying to prove that to me. Everyone around me keeps on talking to me, pouring into me, but they have no interest on what I have to say. I remember I got this call from a friend while I was in the office. She kept on talking and talking; I couldn’t tell her I wasn’t interested in her trivial details of her life, I stopped her abruptly by saying I have some work to do and I’ll call her later. Then I began to sob, feeling like I was going to burst. Then I met a new friend, she turned out to be the same and while she kept on talking, I wondered why I attract people like that. My father did his bit by reminding me daily how much we depend on the office to do well, and that we could be out of business any time, and many happy thoughts.

 

I remember feeling nauseous whenever I get a threat (when I made a mistake) that someone was going to get physical. I was told if I cannot finish my work in the office within two hours (which was unreasonable, how could you fit a full time job in two hours?), either I was plain retarded or it was nothing a good caning wouldn’t cure. I remember crying silently on the bus, when I was having lunch, for no reason. I remember having this idea, this image on my head, whenever I cross the road at night… I wondered if I swirling in the middle of the street instead of keep on walking, what would happen. In the end of the second semester I stopped going to school but one class, only because it was mandatory for me to show up. I even mixed up the dates and missed going to one of my exams…

 

Summer, I had to go to this workshop in school from 8 to 6 and I had a hard enough time to explain to my dad how it was impossible for me not to go to this workshop even though he could teach me everything because it was a compulsory course and they take attendance. He knew I couldn’t understand my computer courses just by reading the powerpoint notes so he has me to write programmes with a totally new (to me. He was still using ISPF for God’s sake.) language because ultimately the concepts are the same. Soon we learnt that my brother couldn’t get to university and he was going to leave HK for the US. I was beginning to lose my mind because I saw no end to my misery and I knew if I kept on with my state of hopelessness for another year, I’ll go literally insane. Again I told my father I couldn’t work anymore next year because I’m seriously going to be kicked out of school. So he told me to give him all the notes and books I have for my courses and he will teach me everything I have to learn. I was repulsed by the mere idea that me being university and I still needed my father to help me with my school work. What? Why? He told me I couldn’t handle computing because I have no background on it, unlike many of my classmates. I wanted to tell him, some of my classmates don’t have the background, but they get to stay in school and work out things together and ask people. They have connections and I don’t. They get old papers and assignments from seniors and I don’t know anyone…

 

I got him to promise that if I could finish the two A-Level textbooks on computing and answer one of his questions on these textbooks, I can do my studying on my own. I spent three days on it, and then told my dad I was ready. He asked me a question about networking, how e-mails were sent or something like that. I remember saying stuff like TCP/IP, packets… he asked me how were e-mails sent in the most literal sense. I didn’t know how the sockets work, or about sending signals and frames and everything… I couldn’t answer his question. I tried looking for an answer on the books but I couldn’t find it. I told him so and his answer was, I should have found out elsewhere if I don’t completely understand something. I just felt it was unfair. I didn’t have the time to completely understand everything, nor could I memorize everything…

 

I finally decided I can’t take it anymore and told my father that I don’t care about going to the office anymore. I’m going to do my own school work. He gave me an ultimatum. He must help me with my school work because I am his daughter, only if I’m not family will he give up on me. He had me inside his office alone, sat me down and explain to me how useless I am, how incapable I am of handling my school work, how if it weren’t for him, I’m nothing, and that I’m stubborn not to listen to him, how stubborn I was since the day I was born, the stupid stuff I did when I was young… all he wants is best for me. I cried… because he kept on feeding these ideas in my head and I believed him. I’ve been listening to him for 20 years. It was that constant ranting of how useless and what a failure I am that was breaking me, and unlike in the past, when I only had to face him a few hours at night, I face him the whole day for a year and he knows everything that I do and has total control. I honestly believed that I was going to end up picking cardboards, finding old newspapers from trash cans to earn a living, like those old women pushing a cart on the streets.

 

I couldn’t accept the fact that I was twenty and still in many sense controlled by my parents because I wasn’t financially independent. I probably would have long gone if I wasn’t worried about paying my own tuition. Another reason that has stopped me from doing something drastic was because my father was constantly sad, angry, lonely, and I didn’t want to make him feel like I’ve abandoned him. He loved me and my brothers all so much. But at that point I knew if I continue with this life, I don’t think I could survive… I chose to leave and as my mom later quotes my father’s words on how heartless I was because I didn’t even turn back.

 

It seems there are still so many things I left out… the craziness I felt. It all seemed so petty, even when I’m writing all this and it’s like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I don’t want to come out as a person who complains a lot, ungrateful… but it was a hard time for me, most possibly my darkest year. Fortunately I turned to my aunt and she made my father to continue to pay my tuition. It was such a relief when I got this check for my last tuition bill. I’m going to get my bachelor degree. I’m looking forward to graduation not only because I don’t have to feel like I wasting my time on something I don’t care about, but also I can be truly independent and whatever I do, no one can control my life or my mind anymore.

 

So basically that’s why people who knew me from the past think I am so much different from the person they met; why am I happier, more relax than I used to be.

Getting over “5 years ago…”.

Understand my empathy comes from past experiences, and my incredible over-exercised imagination.

 

It’s weird and almost narcissistic really, the way I empathize; experiencing and seeing what others are facing by imagining myself facing the same scenarios, and the pain feels very real.

 

***************

I rarely talk about it in front of those who were involved five years old. I’m saying this now is because what I see is happening to my friends reminded me what it was like back then. I was fortunate to get off it relatively unharmed, but it still bothers me up to this day. I’m going to a new stage of my life real soon, and I want to face my past properly… one thing at a time.

 

Five years ago we were running for the student union together in TIC. It was one of the worst years I had in high school, for many reasons. I don’t know if it was because it has been such a long time ago, or my great ability of forgetting bad memories that I couldn’t recall even half of the stuff that has happened.

 

I knew from the start that ability-wise I wasn’t ready to take the lead yet. I didn’t look the part, didn’t talk like the part and didn’t act like the part. I lacked the experience and confidence people look for in leaders. People I worked with included some of my dearest friends, and it hurt me when during that period I couldn’t talk to them at all, without feeling that everything I said would be used against me.

 

I wasn’t one to speak eloquently, and during that time whenever I said something, someone will immediately correct my mistake, even when I thought wasn’t necessary. I remember thinking that was the way I always spoke, so why they didn’t correct me before, but instead stating out my grammatical mistakes, or my wrong usage of vocabulary at moments when I was trying to appear strong and firm. As time goes by I was no longer able to see all these as their way of helping me into becoming a better leader; eventually I saw all of it as attacks against me, trying to make me appear that I was always wrong. I saw all of it as attempts of demonstrating how unfit I was to lead. I felt that they didn’t respect me as a leader or as a friend. I didn’t have the confidence in myself to take those criticisms with an open mind, but rather I took things too seriously and personally.

 

I remember being defensive because whenever someone questioned my thoughts or decisions, I saw all those as challenges. I felt as if no one trusted my judgment. Since I didn’t see how I could explain my decisions without being doubted, at a point I stopped explaining myself anymore after a month or two working with my partners. I believed I was right in many things but since I didn’t explain anything no one understood what was going on inside my head and saw it as stubbornness and unwilling to listen to other opinions. It Was difficult trying to take in what everyone has to say when tempers were risen. Some giving off sarcastic remarks, me automatically putting on my poker face and speaking in a monotone when I’m trying to be calm.

 

I remembered a dialogue with Mr. Tang one day after school when we ran into each other. He asked if I was alright. Obviously caught off-guard by such a question, I said I was okay and asked him what prompted the question. He said when he met me in form 4 I was this very serious girl (understandable. Compared to some of my classmates, I’m not surprised he got that conclusion), but now when he sees me, my seriousness was replaced by an aura of sadness. I didn’t know what was worse, someone noticed or that he brought it up to my attention because I didn’t really notice myself.

 

Even for one who was used to being alone and has coped all through life, the extreme feeling of loneliness was strong enough to drive me to a jerk who didn’t give a damn about me but happened to pay me a little bit more attention; we had nothing in common and I couldn’t remember anything I liked about him. I didn’t regret what I did; I regret who I chose to have that memory with (if it made sense). I remember yearning for warmth and comfort, and allowed myself to believe in the illusion that it was more than us using each other to get what we want. The next night I cried on my way home because I didn’t know what I did, by “taking a break” would manage to magnify the loneliness.

 

I remember making mistakes but it seems like no one was understanding nor forgiving. I thought my friends who knew me for so long would understand what I was dealing with and the pressure I was going through. I was basically fighting a one-man war for reasons I couldn’t even remember. I couldn’t talk to my friends anymore without being guarded; people spreading accusations and no one cared enough to see for themselves if all that were said were true.

 

Up to this day it appears that some of them still think that they did my work for me. Honestly even it is way in the past it still hurts and the unfairness reeks. I consulted a person often is because she was more experienced, therefore I had to double check to see if I missed out anything. I thought it was consulting, whilst she probably thought she made those decisions for me. It was a hard time for everyone in the committee and everyone did their share. I would have thought time and experience in leading would make her understand what I’ve been through.

 

Being a leader means being the first to be blame whenever something goes wrong, and that’s basically every time, because when does anything goes according to plan? No one sees what you’ve done and what you have to give up in order to have the job finished. After such experience I grew more empathetic; especially those leaders we see everyday, no matter how big or small their influences are, no matter how they did their job, it’s still not easy to be a leader because arrows come from every direction possible and you can never make everyone happy.

 

If you ask me, with everything considered, I think I did a decent job that year. Maybe not now, but soon I’ll be ready to take the lead again. I might not look strong and tall with a solid voice, nor blessed with natural charisma that good leaders have… but I learn from my experiences, so call me stubborn, even against the odds I’m still determined to get there.

 

 

 

Dinner with Relatives

The last time I had dinner with relatives and family was in Chinese New Year. For two nights (I managed to get out of the third one, thank God) I stuffed myself with food because I had to keep myself occupied. Since it was Dinner, there was nothing else to do but Eat.

 

One of the reasons I don’t like going to these dinners, other than the awkwardness (everyone is obligated to show up and make small talk) and the fact that it’s a complete waste of time, is that they serve dinner late (at 8 or 9). I have dinner early, like 5 or 6 because I can’t sleep with a full stomach. The extra weight, no sleep… it’s just not worth it when nothing good comes out of it, like “having a nice time” for example. The mere reason I went was because I didn’t go on the third night in CNY… and out of respect (sort of).

 

This time I got smart: I ate in slow motion, so I could keep holding on to my chopsticks and pretend to be busy with chewing instead of painfully bored. I was so slow that it took me more than half an hour to finish a tiny bowl of lukewarm soup (in case you’re wondering, it’s about the size of a medium cupcake you get in bakeries); and I ate noodles by the string. Then I kept on drinking tea and water… but turns out I stayed up till 3 o’clock in the morning. Not because of the tea, but I was trying to find out what is going one with my younger cousin, Jonathan.

 

In sum up in a few sentences, he picked up smoking (all typical consequences aside, considering his age and the recent increase of tax, it is basically a very unwise move from his part), hangs out with the wrong crowd, skips school very often (he has just started his first year in university) and has no friends there. The horrible part of all this is that all I did was ask my aunt how my two cousins, Jonathan and Maxwell were doing (cos they weren’t there =_=) and that was her immediate reply.

 

I wasn’t really surprised of how comfortable she was saying all these things to me; I got this impression that our family sees portraying their own children in the worst light possible as a way of socializing with each other. I took her rather nonchalant attitude as having no idea how to help her son and that she is afraid that the more she does the more she will push him further away, which has happened a couple of years ago.

 

Originally I thought she was exaggerating. He always did pretty well in high school and got into one of the best universities in HK (UST, University of Stress Science and Tension Technology). True he grew reserved and quiet, but who hasn’t (Picture me, Vincent Steven Jason Max and Jon at a family reunion, sitting quietly and staring at our bowls, occasionally murmuring a word to the person next to us)? Now that there’s only Max Jon and me left in HK, and I don’t see them as often when the other three were in HK, we don’t have much to say but me inquiring  “how’s life lately” and them politely replied “it’s Okay/Fine”. Anyway, most moms’ idea of “bad people” means kids who turn in their homework late, or that they almost failed in their last math exam.

 

So that night I asked Jason to see if he knew anything (he is closer to Jon than anyone of us ever were), then it became an MSN group discussion with Max, Jason and Jon’s ex girlfriend Polly. Turns out the things my aunt said weren’t exaggerated; they were greatly understated. Him being forced to leave school after this semester if he goes on like this is just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, the more I learnt, the more I’m sure my aunt doesn’t really no idea how serious this has become. All these information came from Polly, who he opens up but does not listen to. I saw that as his cry for help.

 

Although we were never close I have this strong urge to help him, even thought it really isn’t in my power to get him out of this mess. All I can do is to talk to him, try to get him share his thoughts with me, and see if we could come up with a solution to his problems. But the thing is he doesn’t open up to people… I plan to ask him out for lunch or something and tell him his options, and tell him the ordeal I’ve been through in my first year in university too… My biggest concern is that he doesn’t know who to turn to, and he doesn’t need someone to state the obvious like “smoking is no good for you/those friends of yours are bad Bad people/Do well in school”. I just hope he will give me (or anyone who can guide him) a chance to listen to his problems, and me being able to let him know that he’s not alone.

 

Sigh. Nothing good really comes out from dinner with (my) relatives, does it.

Boyish VS Girlish (Facebook Tag Game)

I’m a girl; I can’t help doing all these tag games…

*************

 

BOYISH:

[ ] You like being sweaty.

[X] You love hoodies and jeans.

[ ] Dogs are better than cats.

[ ] It’s funny when people get hurt.

[ ] You’ve played with/against boys on a team.

[X] Shopping is torture.

[ ] Sad movies suck.

[ ] You own an XBox/Playstation/Gamecube

[ ] At some point in time, you wanted to be a firefighter

[ ] You own a baseball bat, a football, a soccer ball, and/or a basketball.

[X] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.

[ ] You watch sports on TV.

[ ] Gory movies are awesome.

[ ] You only go to your dad for advice.

[ ] You own like a trillion jerseys.

[ ] You like going to football games.

[X] You used to/do collect trading cards

[ ] Baggy pants are cool.

[X] Fire is cool.

[ ] You don’t babysit.

[ ] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.

[ ] Green, black, red, blue or silver are your favorite color(s).

[ ] You don’t care about your hair sometimes.

[X] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.

[ ] Contact sports are fun.

 

Total: 6

 

Now multiply the total by 4.This is your percentage of boyishness!

 

Boyish percent: 6×4=24%

 

GIRLISH:

[ ] You wear lip gloss.

[ ] You love to shop all the time

[ ] You wear eyeliner

[ ] You buy different colored tops

[X] You have some of the same shirts in different colours.

[ ] You don’t ever shop at Wal Mart.

[ ] You wear the color pink.

[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.

[ ] You hate wearing plain clothes.

[ ] You like hanging out at the mall.

[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.

[X] You like wearing jewelry

[ ] Skirts are a part of your wardrobe short.

[ ] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.

[ ] It takes you around thirty minutes to get ready to go out

[ ] You smile a lot more than you should.

[ ] You have more then ten pairs of shoes

[X] You own fuzzy stuffed animals.

[ ] You like to read celebrity magazines.

[X] Colouring is fun.

[ ] You only play computer games where you get to dress up your character.

[ ] You have tried to be “rebellious” at least once in your life.

[ ] Sports are boring.

[ ] You are in style.

[ ] You think embryos are gross.

 

Total: 4

 

Now multiply the total by 4.This is your percentage of girlishness!

 

Girlish Percent: 4×4=16%.

 

24% Boyish, 16% Girlish. It doesn’t add up to 100%, so where did the other 60% go? So does it mean I’m 60% transsexual? Or I’m just 60% not human? Oh no wait a minute, there are 25 questions for each section, so that’s why you multiply the total by 4… Does this say anything, that I’m more “boyish”? @@

 

 

 

Stupidly long Facebook Tag Game (and I was stupid enough to finish it…)

I think girls do tag games is because they enjoy answering questions about themselves and reflect. But at least have the decency to make it meaningful and Short…

***********

Trista, this tag game is too long…

 

(1) 被點到必填，不填代表你不尊重傳給你的人和問卷。

Must answer if tagged; not answering would be disrespecting the person who tagged you and this questionnaire.

 (2) 請老實回答每一個問題。

Please answer each question honestly.

(3) 不行擅自塗改題目。

Do not change the question.

(4) 寫完請點10位，不可不點。

You must Tag 10 people.

(5) 點完後請通知那10位小朋友他被點到了。

Notify these 10 that they have been tagged.

 

 (Is this some sort of chain letter where if I don’t tag, I die? According to Facebook I’m doomed in 7 years anyway @@)

 

♡ 第一大題Question 1♡

 

–> 關於自己 On Yourself

 

(1) 你的名字 Name

–> Jennifer hmm Mercury (hey if you know me well enough you should know my last name by now.)

(2) 生日呢 Birthday

–> 27/5

(3) 星座呢 Zodiac Sign

–> Gemini

(4) 你男的還女的 Gender

–> Female

(5) 現在很煩嗎 Do you feel bothered now?

–> Not particularly @@.

 

 

–> 關於友情 On Friendship

 

(1) 覺得朋友重要嗎 Think that friends are important

–> =____= Yes, very much.

(2) 有被朋友背叛過嗎 Betrayed by friends before

–> Define “betray”. I felt betrayed but I don’t think they did it intentionally.

(3) 感覺是怎麼樣呢 How did it felt

–> I was surprisingly unmoved, cold even.

(4) 如果有一天朋友都離開你 What if one day your friends leave you

–> Depends on what we had. For most people, if based on the words of others they choose not to confront me but instead leave me without a word, so be it. For those special people who I think deserves the effort, I will try my best to understand what has happened and attempt to save our friendship.

(5) 為什麼跟朋友吵架 Why did you argue with friends

–> Hmm… nowadays we don’t see each another enough to fight, usually fights starts with misunderstanding each other, but then we make up quickly.

(6) 通常合好的原因 Usual reasons why you guys make up

–> Because I like to think that we know losing our friendship over a stupid fight isn’t worth it.

(7) 如果被很好的朋友背叛 If betrayed by a very good friend

–>It really depends on what kind of “betrayal” @@. Hurt, but I guess it’s all for the best, cos I’ d rather not have a person who could betray a good friend around any longer than possible.

(8) 如果那個背叛的人要求合好 If that friend want to patch things up

–> Again depends on what happened, what did it imply… Most likely I do find the heart to forgive, but if you ask me now, I’d probably say they will lose me forever (but what is “forever” anyway?)

 

 

–> 關於愛情 On Relationships

 

(1) 友情和愛情哪個重要 What is more important, Friendship or Relationship

–> Unless that person is very very special, I’d say Friendship.

(2) 目前有男/女朋友嗎 Currently in a relationship

–> Nope.

(3) 你很愛她/他嗎 Do you love him/her

–> If I were to be in a relationship, I hope to see that one day I will grow to love him @@. I don’t believe in love at first sight; I think love has to be “developed”; not an instant thing.

(4) 如果她/他要求分手 If they want to break up

–> I’d probably be stunned at first, then just say “okay” and walk away.

(5) 如果她/他劈腿 If they cheat

–> It’s over.

(6) 如果沒有男/女友，有喜歡的人嗎 If not currently in a relationship, is there anyone you’re attracted to

–> Now I honestly don’t know… I’m very good at stopping myself from liking someone in that way; I rid thoughts of such because it messes up my mind (when it is already messy)…

(7) 覺得自己喜歡的人如何 What do you think of that person?

–> He will one day make some lucky girl very happy.

(8) 覺得自己會喜歡那個人很久嗎 Do you think you will like him/her for a long time

–> Hmm, I think it will take me a long time to find someone like him, does that answer this question?

(9) 如果有一天另一半突然離開 If one day your significant half passes away

–> He will always be with me in my heart.

(10) 分手的話會不會哭 Cry because of a break up

–> No. At least I don’t think I would. For someone I really put my heart into the relationship, I guess after a day or two when the fact that we broke up really hits I might.

 

 

–> 關於家庭 On Family

 

(1) 家庭成員有誰呢 Family Members

–> Mom, Dad, two brothers Vincent and Steven.

(2) 最喜歡哪個家人 Favourite family member

–> My brothers, most of the time :p

(3) 最討厭哪個家人Least favourite family member

–> Depends on the moment.

(4) 覺得自己的家好嗎 Think you have a good family

–> I think I am luckier than most people.

(5) 承上，為什麼呢 Why?

–> Because I know they really do love me.

(6) 親情對你來說很重要嗎 Is family important to you

–> Very very important.

(7) 有兄弟姐妹的話吵架都為了什麼事呢? What arguments do you have with your siblings

–>Who’s turn is it to ask dad if we could watch TV (Apparently this was ages ago); or how we handle things.

(8) 後來是怎麼合好的 How do you guys make up

–> I don’t think we actually get angry at each other @@. Either we talk again after a few minutes, or that we mess up with our words and we laugh at each other.

 

 

–> 關於傳問卷給你的人 On the person who tagged you

 

(1) 點你的人是誰 / 他是你的誰 Who tagged you and who is that person to you

–>Trista, one of my dance buddies

(2) 覺得她 / 他是怎樣的人 What do you think of that person

–> Cute person, more likely to compromise than confront people

(3) 你們是怎麼認識的 How do you guys know each other

–> We go to the same studio, and we have mutual friends

(4) 認識她 / 他多久了How long have you knew him/her

–> One or two years? I forgot @@

(5) 她 / 他跟你要好的程度 How close are you both

–> We’re friends ^^

(6) 她 / 他的優點 Her good side

–> A very friendly girl, good tempered, easy going… etc

(7) 她 / 他的缺點 Her bad side

–> Can’t think of any at the moment @@

(8) 喜歡她 / 他這個朋友嗎 Do you like having him/her as a friend

–> Duh @@.

 

♡ 第二大題 Question 2♡

(1) 耳洞 Ear Pierces：Yup.

(2) 染髮 Dyed Hair：Never did.

(3) 抽菸Smoke：Never did and never will.

(4) 喝酒 Drink：Sometimes.

(5) 寵物 Pets：Sorry, Pets or Pest?

(6) 牙套Braces：Nope.

(7) 手機Cell Phone：Nokia

(8) 出國Been Abroad：Hmm, yes?

(9) 戀愛In Love：No.

(10)自殺Suicide：Committed? No. Attempted? No. Considered? Yes.

(11) 自拍Take self portraits：I do, but not often.

(12) 網咖：?!?!?!?!? (I don’t understand the Chinese @@)

(13) 刺青Tattoos：Nope. I get bored with stuff, so permanent body drawings is no good for me.

(14) 接吻Kiss：No comment @@

 

♡第三大題 – 目前最想做的事 Question 3 The top three things you want to do right now♡

(1) Find a way to do everything I want and get everything I want in this lifetime (Wa~~ haha).

(2) Find a job somewhere outside HK for a year or two.

(3) Be truly happy and make the people around me happy too.

 

♡第四大題 Question 4♡

(1) 心目中的對象是誰 Who is your ideal

–> Dunno @@.

 

(2) 如果你的家人跟你的另一半同時跌入海，你會先救誰 If your family and your significant half falls into the ocean, who would you save first

–> This question has no right answer…

 

(3) 直到現在有哪幾首歌，可以感動到你 For now, what songs could move you

–> @@ A lot. Hmm just out of my mind, “Dreaming of you”, “Gotta love me”, “All of Me”, “Wait for you”, “First Love”…

 

(4) 如果你有多啦A夢，你想要它的什麼法寶 If you have Doraemon, which gadget would you want

–> The Door.

 

(5) 看漫畫的人為何看漫畫？不看漫畫的人為何不看漫畫 Why do you (not) read comics

–> I rarely read comics… I guess I prefer words or motion picture @@

 

(6) 想改掉的毛病或習慣 Habits or idiosyncrasies you want to rid

–> My inability to focus @@…

 

(7) 人生對你而言最重要的事情是什麼 What is the most important thing to you in life

–> Nothing… I don’t let things affect me so much.

 

(8) 哪部作品從開始愛上後到現在都還很喜歡 What literary work/film/songs that you’ve loved right at the beginning up until now?

–> Books by Enid Blyton/Back to the Future I II and III/”Gotta Love me”

 

(9) 覺得目前為止作過最有意義的事情 Up until now what is the most meaningful thing you’ve done

–> Nothing @@ (Oh my this is sad…)

 

(10) 哪一件事情讓你永生難忘 What is the most unforgettable thing that has happened to you

–> I was to make a speech together with some others in one of the morning assembly but I over slept, I ran back to school like I have never ran before, and I made it back to school, officially late but just in time to do my part (but I extremely pale and nauseous)… oh and I nearly cried on stage in the middle of a speech but didn’t, but everyone thought I did and there were murmuring @@.

 

(11) 如果還有來生，你要當男生還女生 If there’s reincarnation, do you want to be a guy or a girl

–> Girl.

 

12) 大頭貼/視訊/手機/數位相機，最愛用哪一個拍照 Photo Sticker/Webcam/Mobile Phone/Digital Camera, which one is your favourite of taking pictures

–> Taking photos of me? None. Other than me, Digital Camera.

 

(13) 寫到這 你累了嗎 Answering up to here, are you tired?

–> Yes… I didn’t read though all the questions before answering, so I dunno when will this end…

 

(14) 學校合作社爛不爛

–> What is this?

 

(15) 未來有什麼計畫 What are your future plans

–> Find a job, travel~

 

(16) 最想去的國家 Country you want to visit the most

–> USA. It’s been a long time since I’ve been there.

 

(17) 被邀請玩10 10遊戲的感覺 Feeling of being invited to play the 10 10 game

–> What is it?

 

(18) 如果你是狗，你最想當哪一種狗 If you were a dog, what kind of dog do you want to be

–> =____= Dunno much about dog breeds.

 

(19) 朋友和愛情，你會選擇哪邊 Friends and Love, which would you choose

–> Friends.

 

(20) 目前有在追喜歡的人嗎 Pursuing someone

–> Nope.

 

(21) 目前最煩惱的事 The thing that most bothers you right now

–> Hmm, my Europe trip? Looking for work?

 

(22) 你喜歡裝飾嗎 Do you like Decorations

–> I guess they’re okay @@

 

(23) 你有懷疑過生髮水廣告的真實性嗎 Have you doubt the truthfulness of Hair re-growth ads?

–> Yup.

 

(24) 想不想去神奇寶貝樂園 Do you want to go to 神奇寶貝樂園?

–> Just by the name, no.

 

(25) 認識新朋友第一眼會看什麼地方 First thing you look at of a new friend

–> New friend? Eyes; Someone new? Whole figure.

 

(26) 最想去台灣什麼地方 Which part of Taiwan do you want to go

–> Dunno…

 

(27) 你崇尚名牌嗎 Are you adore brand names

–> No. In fact I try my best to avoid buying brand name stuff…

 

(28) 有錢的話想包養誰 If you’re rich who do you want to support

–> Myself and family

 

(29) 如果會魔法你最想要改變什麼 If you have magic what do you want to change the most

–> Become a fast learner with a fantastic memory

 

(30) 你願意花多少時間去等你所喜歡的人 How long are you willing to wait for someone you like?

–> @__@ I dunno.

 

(31) 究竟是陪在身邊的人重要？還是心裡的人重要 Which is more important? The one with you or the one in your heart?

–> What kind of question is this? I guess equally important?

 

(32) 假如你有一千萬，你最想拿來做什麼 If you have 10 billion dollars, what do you want to do with it?

–> Invest and start a school.

 

(33) 世界上最值得你留戀的是什麼 What in the world is worth missing the most

–> Hmm, nothing comes to mind right now.

 

(34) 什麼樣的異性最吸引你 What type of person attracts you?

–> There’s no specific type… as long as if person makes me want to get to know him more.

 

(35) 第一次性經驗是幾歲 How old were you when you first had sex

–> =_______________=

 

(36) 現在開心嗎 Are you happy now

–> I’m ok

 

(37) 最多便秘幾天 The maximum number of days of constipation

–> I’m lucky enough not to know

 

(38) 有什麼事是你覺得一輩子一定要去做的 What is the thing that you think you must do in a lifetime

–> Fall in love at least once ^^

 

(39) 目前有沒有什麼事，是你不想做非要去做的 What is that you have to do but don’t want to do right now

–> Schoolwork.

 

(40) 如果有一天，火星人是我們的祖先，那你會去認親戚嗎 If one day Marians are our ancestors, would you acknowledge them?

–> Why not? It should be fun.

 

(41) 有沒有想過哪一天自己是怎麼死的 Have you ever thought of how you would die one day

–> Hmm, I always thought I would die young…

 

(42) 如過你告白失敗你會怎麼辦 What if you told someone you like them but the feeling wasn’t mutual, what would you do?

–> My head –> “Finally I got it over with”. I guess I’d be kind of glad to find someone who I like enough to make me face it.

 

(43) 假使有一天被退學了，要怎麼面對父母 If one day you were expelled, how do you face your parents

–> I don’t think they would believe it that I am capable of getting myself expelled with only 6 weeks left of school @@.

 

(44) 你最喜歡的事物是 Your favourite past time is

–> Lots of stuff… reading, writing, dancing, sleeping, thinking, watching movies, paint, draw, play the piano, hang out with friends, being alone…

 

(45) 你喜歡我嗎 Do you like me

–> Why am I still answering… =__=

 

(46) 最喜歡的異姓穿著 What is nicest thing the opposite sex could wear

–> Not much a preference… for some, Deodorant.

 

(47) 試過最有效的減肥方法是 The most efficient way of losing weight is

–> Being broke

 

(48) 你喜歡瘦瘦高高還是嬌小可愛的女生 You like tall thin girls or small cute ones

–> tall thin ones that could dress up and create an illusion of a guy, but is still obviously a girl.

 

(49) 你覺得自己哪裏最性感 Which part of you is most sexy

–> Hmm, the curve of my spine/back?

 

(50) 吃大便跟吃ㄆㄨㄣ你寧願吃哪一個 Eat fasces or ㄆㄨㄣ which would you choose

–> =_______= this is where I decided that I’m not going to tag anyone…

 

(51) 如果身邊的朋友或另一半有人偷吃，你會如何 If a friend or your significant other is having an affair, what would you do

–> Friend, advice them to stop; Significant other, leave.

 

(52) 喜歡被愛還是愛人 Prefer to love or be loved

–> Love (can it be more or less balanced?)

 

(53) 你覺得偷偷的愛比較好還是光明的愛 Secret affair or out in the open?

–> Out in the open

 

(54) 為什麼會有點名遊戲 Why are there tag games

–> To give people more reason to procrastinate.

 

(56) 近期最開心的事情 Happiest thing that happened lately

–> Got to see friends for two nights this week.

 

(57) 你覺得女生倒追男生會不會很奇怪 Do you think girls chasing guys weird

–> Nope, I admire them for knowing exactly what they want.

 

(58) SBL你支持哪一隊 SBL which team do you support

–> What the…?

 

(59) 愛一個人，需要付出多少代價 To love a person, what is the price

–> The real deal? Too much, but somehow you willingly give.

 

(60) 為什麼會愛上自己的情人 Why would you fall for a person?

–> I’d like to believe there isn’t really a reason. There might be specific stuff that you like a person, but just the combination alone doesn’t make you fall for a person.