So these two weeks…

Once that moment you have something particular that you wanted to say is gone, it’s gone.

 

I think… maybe I need help.

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I wish I were having those conversations with another person… is that okay?

 

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As predicted. I’m not going to be able to write as often in February, sigh.

 

Updates:

1. I went to see an eye doctor last week because my dryness and tiredness of my eyes are a nuisance and fearing that it will make my eyes more vulnerable to damage I wanted to have the problem fixed. I hope I would never have to wear glasses…

 

Since it’s public eye clinic the wait was long. I tried reading the posters about how we should protect our sight. Then I started to wonder if it were as easy to lose the ability to speak or smell as with sight, then I wonder if I had to choose, would I rather lose my sight or hearing, my hands or my feet… I obviously had too much time on my hands but didn’t feel like reading notes.

 

Turns out, the doctor said there’s no cure and I have to rely on eye drops for life. Thank you doctor, you made my day.

 

2. I’ve got calls from the studio, asking if I were free to perform. So on Wednesday me and all the dancers (20 people) from Yiu’s Jazz Funk ** went to HKIED as guest performers for their dance competition. On Tuesday there’s this “School Tour” and they wanted to perform the same routine, and there were only four of us since show time was at 8:30 AM and not many people could or be willing to make it. I wasn’t particular eager because it seems so much trouble only to gain performing experience… and it’s not like they chose me because I’m good @@. But then you don’t say no when you were asked to perform.

 

Turns out that School Tour practice was scary but educational, which I didn’t expect because it was basically just a demo in high schools. We get to learn and execute the routine better because Yiu actually watched the four of us and pointed out what we did wrong and we kept on practicing, while for the annual performance he just gave us positions, play the track a few times, and that’s it. I think there are very few people in my life that makes me feel genuinely intimidated and Yiu is one of the few, so I guess it’s a good thing that this time he can’t ignore me and I can the chance to get over my fear (unsuccessfully…). Bo kept on giving Yiu random remarks, which I guess was his way of making us relax.

 

School tour… the floor was so slippery and there’s so many turns in the combination the only thought on my head was “don’t fall flat on the floor”, so I didn’t do as well as I could (Thank God Yiu wasn’t there to see…). Since I didn’t want to head school in such a rush I decided to go have breakfast with the others (Jojo, Regina, Quinchy and Bo).  Bo gave me some comments… …. … weird.

 

3. I went to have a buffet lunch with Molly, Bonnie and Daphne last Saturday. So I did get my buffet ^^. From what I’ve learnt from our conversation is that I’m too strong, too logical, too patient and too calm to be approachable. Aren’t these supposed to be good traits to have? Of course I wouldn’t like to give people the impression that I need to rely on others or I need to be taken care of; who would want that @@?? And when did I ever give people the impression that I’m too logical?! I’m not sure the way I think things over deserves that kind of a compliment @@.

 

Oh, after the buffet I ran into Cass giving out promotion stickers of the Standard Charter Marathon. Needless to say I got extra stickers, haha ^^.

 

 

Annual Performance

Generally I think sexiness doesn’t mean showing a lot of flesh; I always liked subtle sexiness cos in a way it’s classier and it creates a more “mysterious” image and therefore more intriguing.

 

When I see young girls dance, trying to be sexy; wearing “sexy” clothes and do these sexy moves (especially the moves), I find it really disturbing… probably first of all they look uncomfortable and awkward; second, I felt that young girls, like from 11 to 17, are suppose to be cute and pretty (adjectives for girls), but not sexy or beautiful (adjectives for women @@). So when I see them moving in such a style which basically invites people to be sexually interested at them I feel disgusted. I don’t have a problem about them having sex (a lot of them do and brag about it), but to be openly “inviting”? That’s a whole different story.

 

That’s probably one of the reasons I’m not comfortable allowing my friends (ones that I didn’t meet from dancing) to see me dance… cos that’s not how they know me. And I don’t even take those classes which were more suggestive @@; I tend to only go to classes taught by guys @@.

 

It sometimes amazes me how I could stay in an environment where there is just so much I’m don’t feel good about, or even against of.

 

***********************

This year’s AP feels… different. First, I was totally unaware that the AP was on this weekend. Second in the past APs I used to lose a lot of weight (because of the many practices and I kept going to all my regular class, all of which made me too tired and I lost my appetite; but I was so busy with school work in December that I stopped going to a lot of them @@). Third, I was not at all stressed or nervous and I couldn’t get myself to focus or treat practices seriously…

 

It was until on Saturday (first day of the show) when we had a full run of the show did the message “today is it!” sunk in. Then I watch the routine for Lyrical Jazz and remembered how every time I see the dance routine I would be so moved and wanted so much to improve and be one of those dancers some day. It remind me why I want to continue dancing.

 

The whole weekend, and even when we were on show, it was just so casual and probably no longer special to me. It wasn’t because I do this all the time, but maybe it’s because during the practices no one was trying to make us perform better; it was all about the pattern (where we position ourselves)… and that I felt how the people were allocated wasn’t fair at all… but it’s all done now. I like performing, but like life in general, it’s not about being fair.

Weekend

Lillian canceled on me Again and rescheduled (and canceled eventually). Saturday classes in IDS… same question I ask myself every week: hmm, I don’t know if I could handle taking two classes in a row. Originally I planned to practice with Jojo but even before class I knew I wasn’t up for it so in the end I went home a tad earlier. I met Adrian later on that evening, which was pleasantly surprising but with a somewhat sad twist.

 

Never thought I would conclude everything in one sentence @@.

 

Since I wasn’t capable of thinking straight that night and felt exceptionally warm and nice, I went to bed before 12, which hadn’t happen for a long long time (after typing this I realize I should adjust my sleeping hours…). The next day I was strangely not-sleepy that my mom asked what was up @@.

 

Not particular chatty I went to Poly U with the others and see what Bo had in mind for us in the studio’s annual performance this year. 4 hours later, being deadly quiet, I left, feeling devastated. For some reason, I was banished to the sides, and at the back. I was never particularly confident in dancing, but when I say it, I know that I’m truly not bad in this choreography. However, judging how the Saturday classes have been, at the back of my mind I know I’m not going to be happy when the post is also given. I knew I wouldn’t be in the center or anything. That’s fine, sure, no problem, I wasn’t aiming for that. All I wanted was somewhere that my mom could see me clearly. But never would I have thought that I would be in a worse position than last year, when I first started taking that class and wasn’t even able to get to choreography down. Mid way of the practice and rehearsal, I just give up caring. Disappointed, yep; Pissed off, very. Pissed off because I Allowed this to happen; I’ve should have done a lot better, to an extend that there was no excuse for treating me like this.

 

There is a slight problem about not caring. Back in the days when I actually do care, I have this anger, this drive to prove everyone wrong (and even regret for the things they’ve done to me) and it was a strong force that kept me going. Now somehow there’s no real strong emotions left inside of me, and my drive is down the sink.

 

 I’m beginning to see a problem @@.

Today and yesterday

So today I got to Shatin race course. I ran into the guy who played the mascot Beibei (blue) on my way. It’s too bad that now I’m working with Huanhuan (red) instead because I have been working the Beibei during all our rehearsals and he’s probably the friendliest among the mascot guys.

Today’s run was really messy… They lost and found my red shirt; then Jinjing left in the midway of the show because it was deflating @@. After all that we took photos and was suppose to have dinner together but because I had promised to dine with my folks I just got my “dinner” box and left (no reason to waste a free meal). On my way to my parent’s place, I was smiling to myself because I kind of had a good time today, for no particular reason. Probably it was because of the tourist who asked us if it was boiling inside the mascot; Beibei not acting as if he cannot see me on the bus; taking pictures with the other girls and joking with them.

This is probably the first day that I thought accepting this job wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

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Originally I planned to stop going to Bo’s classes on Monday and Friday because I was starting to get bored. Not because it was easy or anything, but I felt people there were getting really aggressive and I don’t like being packed inside a room with loads of sweaty people, struggling for a place to stand. (Honestly I just don’t like being in crowded places). Then because all these upset me and I’m a moody person, I haven’t been improving (or maybe this is already my limit) or simply, getting worse. Right now I just see that I’m not doing as good as I should be. The thing that pisses me off, is when people step all over me and underestimate me. I hate it, literally Hate it when people do that. So right now I will still go, but maybe not the first lessons. Why am I still going? Because I have to prove to myself that this isn’t It for me.

However, all this makes me think, what happened? Why can I not simply enjoy it and why the studio has suddenly become a battle field? It’s been like this all my life; everything matters to me too much. I can’t Relax, I care too much….

CHILL JENNIFER, CHILL!!!!!!!!!

Olympics, friends and dancing

So all because of Jojo, I’m going to participate in the coming Olympics as one of the performers. Nothing fancy or complicated, but it’s kind of a big thing. I told Jojo that I would tell my children (if I have any) that I have actually played a role in one of the Olympics games held, because how many people can say that they did? Then she said she’s been on so many shows and performances that she lost track, like the one she did for Twins MTV. She just didn’t get what I was saying. I don’t think it’s a big deal because I was on the show; it’s a big deal because I was actually part of a traditional event that shaped and somewhat a triumph of humanity, of human civilization. Oh well, obviously I’m not as experienced as a dance performer as she is.

Just something I’d like to mention, is that many of the performers are inexperience or hasn’t even danced before. Therefore me being in this show doesn’t mean I’m good. It just means I’m lucky.

Once again I felt that I’m not cut out being a performer. I didn’t enjoy it and I don’t like to be stressed out by something that’s supposed to be a Recreation. Okay, so I’m not good enough to be a dancer, but fortunately I don’t want to be one. I generally don’t understand why so many people wanted to make a career out of it. Honestly I don’t even generally like Dancers. I know very few dancers who are talented and decent at the same time @@.

It’s been around three and a half years since I’ve started to learn to dance. All the way I was always hard to myself, thinking why people around me improve so swiftly and me so slowly. It was until last year that I realize that I had walked (or danced) a long way to get to where I am today. I was fat; I was slow; I had no short term memory whatsoever; none of the stuff I normally do requires me to leave the chair; I started when I was 18, which somehow counts me as a latecomer; I have no confidence in my outlook, which is fatal in any art subject (not only performing arts but also visual arts like drawing and painting). Right now I’m trying to appreciate what I have/am now.

I mentioned to Jojo that recently I had to make an effort to act casual when I’m with Ching and Yen because I suddenly found myself not know what to do when I’m with them. Then Jojo said that because both of them have improved a lot. I was kind of stunned but then quickly recovered (even it wasn’t really what I meant). Recently many of my friends had improved and of course I envy them but it’s okay, I’m happy for them, and I no longer have the same desires as they do. I’m not saying that it doesn’t hurt me when I know I’m not good enough to be chosen to be in one of the shows; or that I am no longer one of the stronger people in class. However, as I’ve said to Jojo, all I have to think is my last show on May 5, which had torn me into pieces with stress and terror. I never felt I was good enough. I never want to face that again. So, I just think I’m better off without this kind of stress.

Okay, so at this point, after typing all this, I quickly realized that Jojo doesn’t understand me at all @@. Well, regarding the fact that I don’t know what to do with my other two friends, is the difference in age, upbringing, experience and desires. There’s nothing wrong with them, or with me. Jojo said maybe it’s because I’ve spent less time with them now.

The Olympic thing, I have to “dance” twelve times in ten days, two of which is before dawn. Despite the pay, the regret starts now.

Thank You and Revelations

I feel I should say thank you to Bo and Leung. Somehow I doubt and don’t want them to read this cos it’s so embarrassing.

Leung: I know I can be so annoying, during the rehearsals I was so terrified and sad so I needed to turn to someone. The person that scares me the least in that studio is you. Probably the whole process you were thinking “Shit, she fucked up Again…” or “You were here? Why?” while you were verbally saying “it’s your first time; it’s normal; don’t be nervous”. It was very kind of you to offer comforting words even if you may not mean it entirely. After all, this is your studio and it counts to have a good performance every time in public. This might not mean much to you but I’m growing respect and fondness for you more and more. Thank you for not telling me to buzz off or get lost, as you easily can.

I just want you to know that it is widely felt (at least to me it is) that you are the most honest and kindest person in the studio and a lot of students respect you for that. It might not reflect in your classes by the number of students but people do feel that way. Just don’t turn out to be the bad guy, okay?

Bo: I still don’t know why you let me to be a part of this show but I know without you I would never have a chance like that. This goes the same as last time for the studio’s promotion video thing. During the rehearsal you’ve helped me a lot, regardless of the reasons behind I feel utterly grateful for that. Somehow you scare me, and that probably stopped me from coming to you when I need help.

I am not training material nor do I have the potential to be brilliant in dancing, like many of your students. I’m merely a student or a client trying to learn how to dance. I’m not talented nor pretty nor whatever you need in a dancer. The day you told me to become like Jojo has put things into perspective for me – that I Do Not Want to be a dancer if it means being like her, or being someone I’m not. Therefore I stopped having pressure to improve or do well because dancing is different for me and for her. Possibly because the longer I know you and your ways, somehow I’m slowing losing respect and loyalty for you but I hope that would change because after all, you once made me believe that I might be able to dance one day.

 

Fourth Day and The Final Day!!!!!

Thank you so much for wishing me good show~~

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Felt sick today. I went to Grandma’s place and get to eat really salty congee and turnip cake (@@…). I got to see my mom’s old family albums. We have no resemblance whatsoever.

Then I went to practice with the crew. I was tired, sick, sleepy and annoyed all at the same time. I can’t keep on being such a pain whenever we practice…

Fourth Day of rehearsal:
Bo said I still mess up the routine, and that I don’t have to practice his cos I’ve got it down and so I should just practice Yiu’s part instead. Then he asked Natasha to teach me and helped me all the way.

Then Bo had a small talk with Franco, Frankie, Fat Boy and me. He said that he was the one who got us in the show. Many people are wondering why we are here because there are plenty of people more talented, prettier, younger, taller, thinner (okay I’m starting to make things up) and it’s all because he wanted to give us a chance. He said he doesn’t want this to be the last show we are in. We will make him lose face (and all that)…etc. He said we should be hardworking and keep on working on the dance even if people are sitting around.

I took that seriously and ending up getting sick of the routine. My part isn’t long enough to keep me from being bored.

We start at 6:30 and leave at 8:30.

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Final day: I fucked up the routine. Funny thing is that I messed up Bo’s routine instead of Yiu’s. The difference between this show and AP:
1. I have to pay for the lesson to learn the routine for the AP, whereas this show I have to stay late in the studio.
2. The time spent on rehearsing and learning is a lot shorter than AP.
3. You won’t get to know the people you’re dancing with. You don’t get to make friends.
4. I guess other than Dancing itself, you’re not expected to enjoy anything else, like jokes.
5. If you’re not good enough, you are reminded constantly, not by the instructors but by peers.

That day we had dinner with most of the dancers (19 in total, 15 had dinner together). There was kind of a moment where there weren’t enough seats so Jojo, Franco and I decided to sit elsewhere. I felt it was okay because I have no urge to blend in. Dunno about Jojo and Franco though (in fact I think he was a bit upset). However eventually we all did sit together, just that we listen politely to what the others are saying @@.

This is probably is my last show with IDS (because I sucked through the whole process), so I guess it’s always good experience.

 

Third Day

Joey (IDS), Happy Birthday~ You know we all love you and we always talk about you (in a fun way) even if you’re not there so it means you’re always with us~ Hope you will always be happy~

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Okay. First day of rehearsal I sucked. Second day of rehearsal I sucked so bad that Bo actually told me if I keep going on like this I can pretty much expect no more shows in the future. Well, judging from how I was yesterday I wasn’t at all surprised. Franko got told off in public. I was tutored by Sai Ma so often that it’s annoying her as well. It’s not I don’t remember the routine, it’s
1. I’m scared to death.
2. Nervous to death (if only people die twice).
3. I can’t really get the beat.
First day we start at 10:00 and left the studio at 12:40 and caught the last MTR train back home.

Fortunately Jojo has the guts to ask Yiu for the song (if I were the one to ask, most probably the answer I will get is “I’m busy” or worse, a blank stare) on the second day. So I get to listen to it when I got home.
I was so worried, disappointed at myself, scared, depressed… that I had to turn to Leung for some support. Luckily he was very kind. My respect for him grows almost every time we talk. I think Bo sense that too, because whenever I have random questions or just random stuff to say, it’s always to Leung.

Anyway Leung made fun of me when I asked him if I could afford a taxi back home from TST to Wan Chai with $200. Obviously I don’t take the taxi to places a lot @@. Second day we start 10:00 and left the studio at 1:00. No MTR service, so I shared a taxi with Wilfred and Wing.

Today’s the third day of rehearsal (two days before show day on Monday night). Still I sucked, but I finally got the beat and the steps down, with the help of Wing (pushed by Sai Ma) and Jojo. I overheard Bo talking to Sai Ma about me messing up with the beat. I heard Sai Ma said something about my not having my arms straight at a particular pose (oh shit) and then I vaguely hear Bo said I’m used to dancing Hip Hop not Jazz. Jojo and Frankie said he was trying to save me face but it kind of stung too because I like Jazz better and I learn Jazz long before Hip Hop. But anyway I just have to try harder, and all the lessons I go to are taught by guys. Maybe I should really go to Siu May’s lesson @@.

Anyway we started at 7:30 and left at 11:15.

What am I going to do tomorrow?!?!?!?!!??!?!!!!

 

神呀, maybe I’m just not cut out for this…

星期一作病.
和Jojo, Pauline (後加Ching) 在Sugar溫書.
後Jojo收到電話, 說了兩句, 就將電話給我.
原來是 Bo, 問我出不出Show.
…
…
口 – “啊, 好呀.”
腦 – What the…

星期四, 才知道和很多勁人出show.
很多, 很多…
如果不是學過了些 routine,
我會驚…
我緊張,有壓力, 但沒有驚.

星期五, Yiu 教finale,
我100%緊張, 100%壓力, 100%驚.
我緊張, 驚就會發白日夢.
瑣碎的Up & Down Pose, 拍子, 我完全記不到.
Routine, 我記到, 但緊張就甩… which is Always.
我在想: What am I going to do? I suck…
Why am I here? Oh God…
之後Yiu cut了我, 要我在後段再入.
一隻字在我的腦海浮現 – Alleluia.

不行了. 太辛苦太慢. 打英文.

This is the first show that I didn’t volunteer to be in; I’m working with Yiu instead of Bo or Leung – I feel strange and out of place. Jojo has been to several shows; she has worked with the brilliant people before. When it was her first show, the instructors (I remember Yiu is definitely one of them) were like really kind, thoughtful and all that. I don’t have that. I always felt that he literally dislike me (for some unknown reason).

Sincerely I don’t know why Bo asked me to participate in this show. This show is something Big. It is a function jointly organized by the government and one of the most popular radio stations/organization for the Olympics, and there would be many artists, a lot of dancing… etc. The instructors were obviously anxious for us to do Really Well. It scared the hell out of me.

Some hypothesis:
1. There are only two girls in Bo’s routine, Jojo and I. The reason he asked me is probably because he obviously wants Jojo there, but she can’t be the only girl in his routine. So he has to choose someone who can remember the steps.
2. There has been some kind of tension between him and us (the usual crowd, Jojo, me, Katy, Joey, Frankie…etc), so I guess this is one of his ways to make up.
3. There aren’t enough people for his routine and he realized he really need to keep some loyal students because the better ones keep on leaving him for Yiu or Siu May.

I think this is going to be last time they are going to ask me to participate. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad.

I’m not looking forward to Monday Night…