Things going on with life (cont’)

Things going on with life recently –

2. Dance

The annual performance is coming up (only one day, on the 16^th of January). This year I will be joining Allen To’s Hip Hop (level 1… why did it become level 1…?) and Siu May’s Jazz Funk (open level)… to my bemuse people were openly shocked by my choices, because I wasn’t going to join either Bo or Leung’s AP class; I’m trying to kick the annoying loyal nature, a.k.a. “change resistance” out of me.

Hopefully I would find the determination to actually practice the routines, because last year it was apparent I didn’t give a ____ (after years of swearing in my writing, I’m trying to eliminate my usage of profanity completely). A small but significant part of me envied the younger girls when I watch them practice the chorography they’ve learnt during the training course, expanding their dance vocabulary and body flexibility. However I knew I can no longer devote so much of my time into dancing because I’m all grown up now; I have obligations (e.g….?).

Sure when people asked me what classes I go regularly, I would answer “4, Friday to Monday” and it sounded like I go pretty often. But since almost every week one or two of them would be cancelled because the tutor had other engagements, I probably only go to two classes per week on average… I can go to other classes instead but then I would think I should save the money and use the time to study instead.

3. Parents

One day I got a call from my mom, and she said she had good and bad news. Bad news was, she probably is going to move in with me (“that’s not bad news mom”). Good news was my father had somehow told her that if Jennifer (me) likes writing, then she should go for it (@@?!!?!!). He emphasized that I should write fiction, not the news or editorial stuff… I was nevertheless shocked (what happened that made him change his mind?), thrilled and then thought the permission came eight years too late, because I might have been able to do something about it.

The realistic side of me caught up almost immediately and I understood why my father said only “fiction” was the way to go – because it didn’t require brilliant language skills. I distinctly remember him saying that Harry Potter wasn’t well written and maybe he thought there was probably a chance (like 0.01%) that I could come up with something like Harry Potter… =__=. Anyway it was still something to be ecstatic about; too bad for me that I don’t read or write as much as I used to.

Told Vincent and Steven (“yea we thought that was weird too”), Apple (someone who loves writing too) and Kamma (someone who was kind enough to tell me I have a talent to in and kept on encouraging me to write again)… so that was why I promised myself to write more.

So these two weeks…

Once that moment you have something particular that you wanted to say is gone, it’s gone.

 

I think… maybe I need help.

**************

I wish I were having those conversations with another person… is that okay?

 

**************

As predicted. I’m not going to be able to write as often in February, sigh.

 

Updates:

1. I went to see an eye doctor last week because my dryness and tiredness of my eyes are a nuisance and fearing that it will make my eyes more vulnerable to damage I wanted to have the problem fixed. I hope I would never have to wear glasses…

 

Since it’s public eye clinic the wait was long. I tried reading the posters about how we should protect our sight. Then I started to wonder if it were as easy to lose the ability to speak or smell as with sight, then I wonder if I had to choose, would I rather lose my sight or hearing, my hands or my feet… I obviously had too much time on my hands but didn’t feel like reading notes.

 

Turns out, the doctor said there’s no cure and I have to rely on eye drops for life. Thank you doctor, you made my day.

 

2. I’ve got calls from the studio, asking if I were free to perform. So on Wednesday me and all the dancers (20 people) from Yiu’s Jazz Funk ** went to HKIED as guest performers for their dance competition. On Tuesday there’s this “School Tour” and they wanted to perform the same routine, and there were only four of us since show time was at 8:30 AM and not many people could or be willing to make it. I wasn’t particular eager because it seems so much trouble only to gain performing experience… and it’s not like they chose me because I’m good @@. But then you don’t say no when you were asked to perform.

 

Turns out that School Tour practice was scary but educational, which I didn’t expect because it was basically just a demo in high schools. We get to learn and execute the routine better because Yiu actually watched the four of us and pointed out what we did wrong and we kept on practicing, while for the annual performance he just gave us positions, play the track a few times, and that’s it. I think there are very few people in my life that makes me feel genuinely intimidated and Yiu is one of the few, so I guess it’s a good thing that this time he can’t ignore me and I can the chance to get over my fear (unsuccessfully…). Bo kept on giving Yiu random remarks, which I guess was his way of making us relax.

 

School tour… the floor was so slippery and there’s so many turns in the combination the only thought on my head was “don’t fall flat on the floor”, so I didn’t do as well as I could (Thank God Yiu wasn’t there to see…). Since I didn’t want to head school in such a rush I decided to go have breakfast with the others (Jojo, Regina, Quinchy and Bo).  Bo gave me some comments… …. … weird.

 

3. I went to have a buffet lunch with Molly, Bonnie and Daphne last Saturday. So I did get my buffet ^^. From what I’ve learnt from our conversation is that I’m too strong, too logical, too patient and too calm to be approachable. Aren’t these supposed to be good traits to have? Of course I wouldn’t like to give people the impression that I need to rely on others or I need to be taken care of; who would want that @@?? And when did I ever give people the impression that I’m too logical?! I’m not sure the way I think things over deserves that kind of a compliment @@.

 

Oh, after the buffet I ran into Cass giving out promotion stickers of the Standard Charter Marathon. Needless to say I got extra stickers, haha ^^.

 

 

Annual Performance

Generally I think sexiness doesn’t mean showing a lot of flesh; I always liked subtle sexiness cos in a way it’s classier and it creates a more “mysterious” image and therefore more intriguing.

 

When I see young girls dance, trying to be sexy; wearing “sexy” clothes and do these sexy moves (especially the moves), I find it really disturbing… probably first of all they look uncomfortable and awkward; second, I felt that young girls, like from 11 to 17, are suppose to be cute and pretty (adjectives for girls), but not sexy or beautiful (adjectives for women @@). So when I see them moving in such a style which basically invites people to be sexually interested at them I feel disgusted. I don’t have a problem about them having sex (a lot of them do and brag about it), but to be openly “inviting”? That’s a whole different story.

 

That’s probably one of the reasons I’m not comfortable allowing my friends (ones that I didn’t meet from dancing) to see me dance… cos that’s not how they know me. And I don’t even take those classes which were more suggestive @@; I tend to only go to classes taught by guys @@.

 

It sometimes amazes me how I could stay in an environment where there is just so much I’m don’t feel good about, or even against of.

 

***********************

This year’s AP feels… different. First, I was totally unaware that the AP was on this weekend. Second in the past APs I used to lose a lot of weight (because of the many practices and I kept going to all my regular class, all of which made me too tired and I lost my appetite; but I was so busy with school work in December that I stopped going to a lot of them @@). Third, I was not at all stressed or nervous and I couldn’t get myself to focus or treat practices seriously…

 

It was until on Saturday (first day of the show) when we had a full run of the show did the message “today is it!” sunk in. Then I watch the routine for Lyrical Jazz and remembered how every time I see the dance routine I would be so moved and wanted so much to improve and be one of those dancers some day. It remind me why I want to continue dancing.

 

The whole weekend, and even when we were on show, it was just so casual and probably no longer special to me. It wasn’t because I do this all the time, but maybe it’s because during the practices no one was trying to make us perform better; it was all about the pattern (where we position ourselves)… and that I felt how the people were allocated wasn’t fair at all… but it’s all done now. I like performing, but like life in general, it’s not about being fair.

Olympics, friends and dancing

So all because of Jojo, I’m going to participate in the coming Olympics as one of the performers. Nothing fancy or complicated, but it’s kind of a big thing. I told Jojo that I would tell my children (if I have any) that I have actually played a role in one of the Olympics games held, because how many people can say that they did? Then she said she’s been on so many shows and performances that she lost track, like the one she did for Twins MTV. She just didn’t get what I was saying. I don’t think it’s a big deal because I was on the show; it’s a big deal because I was actually part of a traditional event that shaped and somewhat a triumph of humanity, of human civilization. Oh well, obviously I’m not as experienced as a dance performer as she is.

Just something I’d like to mention, is that many of the performers are inexperience or hasn’t even danced before. Therefore me being in this show doesn’t mean I’m good. It just means I’m lucky.

Once again I felt that I’m not cut out being a performer. I didn’t enjoy it and I don’t like to be stressed out by something that’s supposed to be a Recreation. Okay, so I’m not good enough to be a dancer, but fortunately I don’t want to be one. I generally don’t understand why so many people wanted to make a career out of it. Honestly I don’t even generally like Dancers. I know very few dancers who are talented and decent at the same time @@.

It’s been around three and a half years since I’ve started to learn to dance. All the way I was always hard to myself, thinking why people around me improve so swiftly and me so slowly. It was until last year that I realize that I had walked (or danced) a long way to get to where I am today. I was fat; I was slow; I had no short term memory whatsoever; none of the stuff I normally do requires me to leave the chair; I started when I was 18, which somehow counts me as a latecomer; I have no confidence in my outlook, which is fatal in any art subject (not only performing arts but also visual arts like drawing and painting). Right now I’m trying to appreciate what I have/am now.

I mentioned to Jojo that recently I had to make an effort to act casual when I’m with Ching and Yen because I suddenly found myself not know what to do when I’m with them. Then Jojo said that because both of them have improved a lot. I was kind of stunned but then quickly recovered (even it wasn’t really what I meant). Recently many of my friends had improved and of course I envy them but it’s okay, I’m happy for them, and I no longer have the same desires as they do. I’m not saying that it doesn’t hurt me when I know I’m not good enough to be chosen to be in one of the shows; or that I am no longer one of the stronger people in class. However, as I’ve said to Jojo, all I have to think is my last show on May 5, which had torn me into pieces with stress and terror. I never felt I was good enough. I never want to face that again. So, I just think I’m better off without this kind of stress.

Okay, so at this point, after typing all this, I quickly realized that Jojo doesn’t understand me at all @@. Well, regarding the fact that I don’t know what to do with my other two friends, is the difference in age, upbringing, experience and desires. There’s nothing wrong with them, or with me. Jojo said maybe it’s because I’ve spent less time with them now.

The Olympic thing, I have to “dance” twelve times in ten days, two of which is before dawn. Despite the pay, the regret starts now.

Third Day

Joey (IDS), Happy Birthday~ You know we all love you and we always talk about you (in a fun way) even if you’re not there so it means you’re always with us~ Hope you will always be happy~

***********

Okay. First day of rehearsal I sucked. Second day of rehearsal I sucked so bad that Bo actually told me if I keep going on like this I can pretty much expect no more shows in the future. Well, judging from how I was yesterday I wasn’t at all surprised. Franko got told off in public. I was tutored by Sai Ma so often that it’s annoying her as well. It’s not I don’t remember the routine, it’s
1. I’m scared to death.
2. Nervous to death (if only people die twice).
3. I can’t really get the beat.
First day we start at 10:00 and left the studio at 12:40 and caught the last MTR train back home.

Fortunately Jojo has the guts to ask Yiu for the song (if I were the one to ask, most probably the answer I will get is “I’m busy” or worse, a blank stare) on the second day. So I get to listen to it when I got home.
I was so worried, disappointed at myself, scared, depressed… that I had to turn to Leung for some support. Luckily he was very kind. My respect for him grows almost every time we talk. I think Bo sense that too, because whenever I have random questions or just random stuff to say, it’s always to Leung.

Anyway Leung made fun of me when I asked him if I could afford a taxi back home from TST to Wan Chai with $200. Obviously I don’t take the taxi to places a lot @@. Second day we start 10:00 and left the studio at 1:00. No MTR service, so I shared a taxi with Wilfred and Wing.

Today’s the third day of rehearsal (two days before show day on Monday night). Still I sucked, but I finally got the beat and the steps down, with the help of Wing (pushed by Sai Ma) and Jojo. I overheard Bo talking to Sai Ma about me messing up with the beat. I heard Sai Ma said something about my not having my arms straight at a particular pose (oh shit) and then I vaguely hear Bo said I’m used to dancing Hip Hop not Jazz. Jojo and Frankie said he was trying to save me face but it kind of stung too because I like Jazz better and I learn Jazz long before Hip Hop. But anyway I just have to try harder, and all the lessons I go to are taught by guys. Maybe I should really go to Siu May’s lesson @@.

Anyway we started at 7:30 and left at 11:15.

What am I going to do tomorrow?!?!?!?!!??!?!!!!

 

神呀, maybe I’m just not cut out for this…

星期一作病.
和Jojo, Pauline (後加Ching) 在Sugar溫書.
後Jojo收到電話, 說了兩句, 就將電話給我.
原來是 Bo, 問我出不出Show.
…
…
口 – “啊, 好呀.”
腦 – What the…

星期四, 才知道和很多勁人出show.
很多, 很多…
如果不是學過了些 routine,
我會驚…
我緊張,有壓力, 但沒有驚.

星期五, Yiu 教finale,
我100%緊張, 100%壓力, 100%驚.
我緊張, 驚就會發白日夢.
瑣碎的Up & Down Pose, 拍子, 我完全記不到.
Routine, 我記到, 但緊張就甩… which is Always.
我在想: What am I going to do? I suck…
Why am I here? Oh God…
之後Yiu cut了我, 要我在後段再入.
一隻字在我的腦海浮現 – Alleluia.

不行了. 太辛苦太慢. 打英文.

This is the first show that I didn’t volunteer to be in; I’m working with Yiu instead of Bo or Leung – I feel strange and out of place. Jojo has been to several shows; she has worked with the brilliant people before. When it was her first show, the instructors (I remember Yiu is definitely one of them) were like really kind, thoughtful and all that. I don’t have that. I always felt that he literally dislike me (for some unknown reason).

Sincerely I don’t know why Bo asked me to participate in this show. This show is something Big. It is a function jointly organized by the government and one of the most popular radio stations/organization for the Olympics, and there would be many artists, a lot of dancing… etc. The instructors were obviously anxious for us to do Really Well. It scared the hell out of me.

Some hypothesis:
1. There are only two girls in Bo’s routine, Jojo and I. The reason he asked me is probably because he obviously wants Jojo there, but she can’t be the only girl in his routine. So he has to choose someone who can remember the steps.
2. There has been some kind of tension between him and us (the usual crowd, Jojo, me, Katy, Joey, Frankie…etc), so I guess this is one of his ways to make up.
3. There aren’t enough people for his routine and he realized he really need to keep some loyal students because the better ones keep on leaving him for Yiu or Siu May.

I think this is going to be last time they are going to ask me to participate. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad.

I’m not looking forward to Monday Night…

 

IDS Summer Showcase 2007 完滿結束~

今天是 IDS Summer Showcase 2007!!!! 很精彩啊!~~~

 

早上和 Team C (minus 未來 minus 細Gag minus 阿Dee) 一同在銅鑼灣McDonald 吃早餐.

再次見證女孩子的食糧是可以那麼驚人的…少.

 

我們十四位未換costume的巴西隊差不多霸了整個小巴.

大家在拍照, 唱歌, 凳上mark step,

倒像是女子中學的學生在旅遊巴上嬉戲.

司機用鏡望我們的頻率足以令人擔心我們會遇上車禍…

 

到了赤柱會堂, 換costume, 自己化妝(算是化得不錯吧? 勁問 Jojo O 唔 Okay).

Rehersal時, 人人也叫我們巴西隊, 因costume 是綠黃白.

拍照…拍很多照… (為什麼上鏡會肥了那麼多… 努力啦 Jennifer)

出外買青葡萄吃 (一鎊二十元, 太癲了嘛? 但附近又沒有買食物的店舖…)

 

Chi Kin 做MC, 勁撩Johnny.

還是覺得Chi Kin 平時比在台上幽默點.

 

上半場跳… 沒有flat out(有心無力), 更不用說記要得sexy,

只記得樣子盡量不要這麼無奈(Siu May 說),

要望觀眾(Summer Workshop 的同學用了行動提醒了其他人),

不要甩step…

第二場好一點, 比第一場大力了…

Team A 的表演好是預料中事, 但 Team B 真的令人有點失望,

Maybe 只是我們期望高了.

(其實可能 Team C 跳得喪差, 我們看不到而已)

 

今次是我第一次表演完是覺得開心的.

因為

1) 我們那team 很團結, always 圍圈mark 舞, 很有spirit;

2) Tutor 有心 “執” Step. 若果不是Chi Kin, Team C 將會死得很難看. Johnny 也很有心的, 但覺得無從入手, 所以較 hea 了. 阿樑就…放棄了我們?

3) 認識了很多有趣可愛的 team mate (但我們應該各散東西了)

 

完show, 就在打算AP (annual performance) 的事. (本來還不打算參加…)

Bo’s Hip Hop 初未 handle 到, 但無奈地他在AP不排 Hip Hop 基本.

其實我想上Chi Kin 堂, 但我又麻麻想上 Demon.

(他們兩人不知按什麼規律教堂. 一時Chi Kin一時Demon)

而且我是喜歡Jazz 多過 Hip Hop (只是有些動作 Hip Hop 練到, Jazz 練不到…)

現在大多都是上Hip Hop 的堂… (阿樑的Jazz Funk, 不太Jazz 吧…)

一定要上返Johnny’s Jazz Funk 基本, Yiu’s Jazz Funk 初, 練 Jazz.

Training 完, 對Johnny 改觀了不少. ^^

 

雖然沒有2B3T (Build & Beauty; Technique, Talent & Time, haha),

但我真的不希望放棄跳舞.

加油努力啦, Jennifer.

想法

踏到2007 年,

第一個想法: 我竟然和IDS 倒數.

第二個想法: 我今年二十歲了.

第三個想法: 太久沒有寫日記, 真懶.

 

~ 考試 ~

 

12 月是考試的月份,

當大家在奮鬥期間, 我就在家中冬眠.

老實說, 告訴別人 Jennifer 是這麼懶的不是太多人信 (呵呵).

就連最後一份1117 computer programming assignment 都沒有交.

我決定一月 sem break 努力自修 (吉, 唔准笑).

 

~ Annual Performance ~

 

12 月30日IDS表演.

跳三首歌的人是傻的.

今年, 傻我就跳了三首, 心想: 最多只是五分鐘的step 吧…

因去年, 跳一首只需要記分半鐘 step,

結果, 一首歌, 三分幾四分鐘.

(當 “三分幾四分鐘” 遇上 “times 3” 時, 就是很好笑的gag了)

 

偏心, 雖是預料之內的事, 但不代表發生在自己身上時會不 hurt.

今年五月開始跳返舞, step 來說我知道自己是進步了的, 但信心反而退步.

要求高吧.

 

排舞時, position 多多少少會告訴你, 你的level 去到哪裡.

Position 不好是意料之中, 但看了某幾個人的 position 和 performance,

心只可用淡來形容.

舞姿不是最重要的 criteria, 樣貌身材人緣佔數更多.

沒錢整容抽脂的我, 唯一可以做的就是令自己跳得更好,

不再讓那些又不練習, 又甩step的人影響自己的position.

(實在是很討厭那些很吵, 跳得不好, 但自以為高手的人.)

 

~ 化妝 ~

 

今天和 So Ling 吃菜飯, 她叫我化妝.

Hannah 也曾經這樣暗示過.

我也說不出為什麼對自己化妝有點反感.

又是不是多人有的我不要, 多人做的我不做?

Just to show that I’m not dead (yet).

It has been a long time since I wrote (duh).I’ve been busy with projects, quizzes, assignments and the coming exams (15, 16, 20, 27 of Dec). Oh, and there’s this annual performance thing of IDS.

 

I’m so busy that I dunno how am I going to pass my exams and not trip myself on stage during the performance. God help.

 

And I keep on using money… I’ve already used up next month’s salary!!!!!

 

I need my confidence back. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane and away from shame. Looking at the mirror nowadays is torture.

記憶體

想點.

 

******

今天Management Presentation,

是BBA的科目, 所以要穿套裝, 俗稱suit.

我終於明白為什麼男孩子們都討厭穿suit,

因為穿suit就等如 body-fitted Sauna.

正…

 

剛巧是星期二, 上Bo堂.

極怪, 別人都是潮爆, 我? 正經爆.

嚇壞了 Ada.

( Ada, 不要這麼好人吧. 會被 “妹妹仔”巫婆蝦的 ).

 

這幾個星期Bo都很奇怪, 突然又會 “理返” 我…

實在很難不覺得是因為ap, 他的基本班需要有一個 “腦” 記step.

Catherine, Gel 呀, 不再跳他的基本班吧.

所以… 世界真現實哦.

暑假時, 我只是在infin 才需要記(step),

現在返學, 記書的多了, 自然記step 的記憶體會少…

(還我記憶呀… )

跳三首歌, handle 得到嗎?

 

見到星期二, 跳基本班ap的同學.

相信今年會開心很多.

因為少了很多潮爆, 多了很多純情學生妹. ( 嘩哈哈哈哈~~~ )

呂巫品和她的gang 又不在 (但在初班… 我麻煩了).

藍巫味不知會幾時開始受不了她呢? [ 冷笑 ]

有戲看了~~~