Cursed and Blinded 的女孩子 – I

只要問對了問題, 我會毫不保留的回答.

可惜, 我放棄了等待這個會問我問題的人了.

 

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二十二歲了,  還可以稱自己為女孩子嗎?

( 若果可以, 我還有多少年可以繼續這樣做呢… [苦笑] )

 

現在想學普通話, 所以再開始看台劇.

才看了十五分鐘, 已像開了一個滿是蚯蚓的罐頭.

( 真的整個腦袋都是蟲… )

 

小時候就對愛情很有憧憬…

哈, 還記得在美國的時候, 我會採後園的黃色小花,

然後對拿著錄影機的媽媽說, 是別人送給我的.

還會拿枕頭當喜歡的男孩;  緊緊的抱, 有時候還會偷偷吻 “他” 一下.

五六歲就這樣, 思想早熟得很.

天知道若果我沒來香港, 我會變成怎樣的女生.

(曾經和我兩個在美國的表妹吃飯, 我被她們… 嚇壞了… 幸好我是現在的我 ^^)

 

在大學一年級的時候 (是這樣說的嗎, “大學一年級”?),

終於看清楚曾 “喜歡過” 的, 都是混蛋.

心中罵了自己過百遍, 總覺得他們認為我好騙, 很蠢… 我也看錯了人, 錯得很離譜.

我想, 就是那時的領悟, 令我把 “愛情” 和 “愚蠢” 畫上了等號.

哈, 我曾說過, 我的愛情史像侵過泥水的白紙.

亦在那一刻, 我放棄了等待, 放棄了期望愛情的降臨.

從此, 我接受了我“下了咒”的命運; 我甚麼也不缺, 甚麼也頗順利, 代價就是愛情.

從此, 我無法再喜歡別人, 因我盲目了; 除了“朋友”這個詞語, 我甚麼也再看不見.

 ( 若不是因為台劇 , 我已忘記了當初為什麼會說自己 Cursed and Blinded…)

 

從前很愛看愛情小說, 因為我可以很安全的享受愛情的感覺.

但這兩三年, 已沒有時間在看, 也不敢再看.

愛情已逐漸在我腦海裡消失.

連“結婚”這個詞語對我來說, 和 “愛情”一點關係也沒有.

我告訴別人我怕嫁不出, 不是因為我怕一個人;

我怕的是現實告訴我 — 你就是那麼糟糕的人, 沒有人要.

 

 “愛情” 是成人的童話故事.

過了這麼多年, 我變得成熟, 也變得不適合擁有愛情.

我不能解釋, 但我就是知道.

 

還好, 我不迷也很少追台/日/韓劇的.

 

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可惜, 我好像已再沒有耐性回答任何問題了…

Patterns

Even they were ages ago, somehow my own naivety sickens me.

 

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It appeared the smaller the pile of stuff that’s left on the living room floor, the more time I needed to tidy everything up. Stuff that were left on the floor included old newspaper articles, various school notes and printouts, old letters and many notebooks where the first few pages started off as my attempt to keep a diary… apparently my dad’s meticulous nature rubbed off on me; I kept photocopies of the letters I wrote to people; contracts I’ve signed, receipts, bank statements, three years worth of credit card bills (stapled with ATM printouts to prove I’ve paid on time), official letters I’ve received…etc were kept in one place (not as organized as I would liked it to be, but I did what I thought best the last time I tidied stuff up).

 

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I couldn’t keep a diary, not because I couldn’t get myself to sit down and write, but rather I got bored with the notebook itself, or the language I used (spoken Chinese or written, or English), or my handwriting… etc. I found the old diary in May 2001, when I was F.2. It’s amazing how much a month’s entry can contain… about friends, family… etc. I didn’t remember the lessons themselves, but subconsciously I’m doing exactly what they have taught me and I’m starting to see a pattern.

 

At the age of 13, I had come to the conclusion that interesting people became friends with me because I was Useful. It was true in primary school; an example would be the two friends I walked back home with. When they were in a quarrel I was their best friend as I listened to them dishing dirt of the other side; when nothing’s going on, I somehow could never join in their conversations. After going through with different people, I settled with a kinder, simpler group of people to hang out with, because I felt safe. In high school, it appeared that history was repeating itself unknowingly. I felt I was a friend because we took the same walk back home, and I could help her with her ceramics homework, and that I listened to her… basically being useful, because outside of all that, she was starting fires behind my back and naturally I felt betrayed. I read on… I was friends with all sorts of people, because I was someone they turn to when they needed someone to listen, or I was always around when they felt alone. On the same page, I found the kinder, simpler, safer group of friends I had during then. I asked why girls had to constantly be around someone to feel comfortable… one moment of solitude would wreck them; go to washrooms together, walk home together, do stuff together… and I started to learn to become the exact opposite.

 

So now school life has officially ended for me. When I have time, I call up my friends and see if we could have dinner or do something together. They are interesting… people I can spend a day with without feeling bored. I do see my safe kind friends, but a lot less often and I do get bored after a few hours. I feel guilty when I don’t know what’s new in their lives because I’m so busy with mine… I noticed, the only person I kept in touch with in primary school was one of the two I walked home with.  

 

I was upset the other day, because I was turned down by a job I really wanted, and the fact that my job hunting days are not yet over haunted me. I called one of my interesting friends late afternoon, starting off with “hey something’s bothering me…” but she was working on something and she said she’d called me in half an hour. I didn’t wait and started my own healing process. She didn’t call that night and I guess she was busy or that she forgot. I didn’t blame her, because I knew she was a busy person, like me, and I should have found someone else to call for help.

 

The next day she called, apologized that she didn’t call back yesterday and asked me what was wrong. I told her the gallery turned me down and I was rather down the day before, but everything’s okay now. Then we moved on talking about when we were having drinks next week and I promised to see if other people were free as well.

 

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That was the year I tested my parents if they remembered my birthday. At the end of the day I couldn’t help myself and told my brothers. They talked to Mom and she assured me that she didn’t forget, just that she was so busy with work that dates no longer register as anything else but last day of visas or appointments. I got my share of birthday parties when I was younger because I couldn’t help asking for one when May came. I didn’t think my parents thought I wasn’t important (my dad used my birthday as the password to the office door) or anything, but I just had this epiphany… there are a lot more important things than birthdays and I stopped being disappointed if people don’t remember mine, but rather pleasantly surprised when they do. Just, after that, I made it a point when it was Vincent or Steven’s birthday, I would buy a cake and a present when my mom was too busy and asked her to share the bill.  

 

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In the same month, I realized I was the second runner up of a book report competition organized outside the school. It was the first time I’ve won something outside school and I was thrilled. I called my dad at work to tell him, but he said he was tired and could it wait till he gets home. When I finally gave him the news, he said nothing. Afterwards he told me he’d rather I read English out loud better than writing book reports. He also reminded me that he helped me proof read my essay so that was why I won. Remembering how I was top in my class in primary school because everyone else was dim, or that I was top in English in my form in high school because he taught me everything I know and since I was born in the states, I should be nothing less… that was when I learned how I should judge the things I do. I’ve also stopped telling him good news, because I want it to remain good news.

 

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So stuff that used to bother me no longer does. I’ve always thought it was a sign of maturity; there’s this term the old and wise Chinese use – “看化”. They’d tell you they are neutral, beyond feeling anything over stuff because they’ve seen and experienced so much. So I identified the neutrality or indifference I often felt as exactly that. However, after reading my own words, I don’t know if I’ve grown wiser or I’ve simply got used to the way things happen around me.

“My Fortune”

Edith, this might not be the essay you have in mind @@, I don’t really have much to say on this subject… but anyway Happy Birthday and I hope you would like this piece.

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Ask me what I see in my future a few years ago, my reply would probably begin with “I see myself lying down quietly, serene even, inside a box lined with silk…” Now it’s “I see myself engulfed by fierce red flames, but I feel no pain… ”as in Hong Kong every little inch of land is translated directly into currency, it would be hell of a price to pay if you want a burial. But even in not so morbid terms, it appears that the older you get, the more your fortune is “fixed”.

 

When you were young, there seem to be endless opportunities; you can be a sorcerer, a superhero, a fish… then when you began primary school you found that you liked math and science, so you thought of becoming a scientist or a doctor, and eventually help mankind. In high school, life gets more complicated; those chemistry books get much more difficult to understand and when the teacher solves a math problem on the board, it was like you were watching someone doing magic tricks.

 

Working really hard you got yourself a place in a good university, but after struggling with your first engineering course you decided that there’s a very slight chance you can really become a scientist – there’s still a long way ahead and frankly, you doubt your ability and passion for science after all those years of the hard work you’ve been through to get this far (and you’re still nowhere near your goal). So trying to be mature and realistic, you studied business instead. You did okay and eventually landed a job in a branch of a big company. About to be promoted to branch manager, you got married and have kids. Then you listen to your son while he tries to explain why he wants to be a fish.

 

We always tend to think it’s too late to change our lives or start something new when we reach to a certain age. Perhaps when we grow older, we have more to lose (like money or pride) and we have more responsibilities, and therefore we do not dare to try something new. So maybe we shouldn’t be too transfixed or be too worried about our fortune, because as we let time slip by unnoticed, the less we can do about our future…

 

Just another random subject: Hong Kong Teenagers

Oh there’s so much to talk about HK teens today. I came across a news article.

http://hk.news.yahoo.com/article/080827/3/7x2y.html

I’m afraid it’s in Chinese but the short story is this: It mentions a 19 year old guy, who slapped his grandmother on her thighs and breasts several times with his slipper, because she accidentally blocked his view of the TV screen. Even in court when the judge asked him why he didn’t hit himself instead, the teenager just smiled and didn’t answer. After the jury, the teenager walked out with his mother, talking and laughing.

Nineteen; at the age of nineteen HK teenagers are suppose to be either on their way to university or have already joined the work force. The whole news story was almost a joke, but it’s nothing funny to know that someone who should be mature enough to know better, would treat others with such lack of respect (not to mention his own grandparents) and have such poor judgment on one’s own action. How did HK society come up with a way to raise a child to turn out like that beats me.

Are the majority of Hong Kong teenagers turning into immature materialistic brats? On the streets, we see school children walking around, with their expensive brand name school bags and all. I’m willing to place my bet that half these school children can’t really afford to buy all that stuff if it weren’t for their hard working parents, whom felt they have no better way to express their love and care than to use tangible items. It’s a wild guess, but I’m also willing to bet that these children aren’t doing really well in school. I’m a strong believer that failing in school doesn’t mean failing in life, but if you add “immaturity” into the equation, it’s obvious that they’re going to have a hard time supporting themselves to get the lifestyle they’ve become accustomed to. It’s probably going to be a growing trend that parents will work harder and retire later just to financially support their grown up offspring.

Then we hear so many cases of secondary school girls and boys (in some cases, primary school children) being prostitutes for the extra allowance. Some of them were tricked into the industry and were controlled by organizations [Note: Organizations of such is illegal in HK. It is only legal in HK to offer sex services if the person is of age and is “self employed”]. In a city like Hong Kong, there are so many subsidies and other financial aid from the government. I’m not saying that the government is always efficient, but there isn’t a strong reason for someone to turn to prostitution.

This doesn’t only reflect the materialism penetrated into the hearts of HK youth, but also the lack of education when it comes to sex. Girls as young as 11 are having sex. I remembered another news article I read on an 11 year old girl who didn’t realize she was pregnant until she actually gave birth. So the question was how could she not know she was pregnant? Surely she would know, even she didn’t have the morning sickness and the works? It was all because when she started to have sex, she didn’t even had her first period, so she and her partner didn’t use any protection. The problem is, there’s no one teaching kids today when should they ever have sex; what age, in what situation. You can’t tell them they have to Wait until they gave their wedding vows. They think it’s a fair deal: I give you sex in the exchange for your money or love.

And then there are always those cocky university students, especially those from a certain local school (unfortunately they are my fellow schoolmates). Once I’ve been to a public event for university students and there was a question and answer section. The host asked us to give out our names before asking a question, so that they could address us properly. The first girl chosen to raise a question said “Hi I’m Gloria Li, and I’m from HKU” in the haughtiest voice. I was immediately embarrassed and actually said “what the fuck” to my friend next to me. For someone who is supposed to be one of the brightest people and got a place in the “best” school in the city would know better than to flaunt.

And what’s with the idea of local students having a harder time to get to a university when compared with international school students? The local exams HKCEE and HKAL are sufficiently stiffer exams when compared with IB or GCSE. The irony is that the average hardworking local students might not get to a university whilst mediocre international school students have the same bargaining power with the brighter group of local students. The same person may have an E in HKCEE math exam could actually get a B or even an A in GCSE. It’s just not fair.

In traditional Chinese culture, Modesty has always been a much valued virtue. HK’s education had never made any Real effort into teaching school children how to become a better person. Now HK people are catching up with their international counterparts in terms of moral deterioration. For a place like Hong Kong, where east culture blends with the west, why is that we learn only the worse instead of the best?

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Argh, I give up. I’m babbling; I know nothing about Hong Kong.

Dirty, Dirty, Dirty.

Today’s Hip Hop was substituted by another guy and since last week I went to so many lessons, I ended up going back home instead.

 

I decided that I have a really dirty mind cos when I heard the sub’s name, the first thing that popped up in my head was “a reference of his genitals”.

 

Jojo thinks he’s cute. I think he looks scary. Not disgusting-scary but ice-cold-scary. Anyway people who can dance can’t look too bad, right?

 

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It’s like I’m trying to stop myself from growing; to hide. The way I speak, the things I do, is nowhere mature. Or was I ever a mature person?

 

I choose to hide from messages I know is not simple. The voice inside tells me:

 

It’s not that simple. He/she knows you know. They mean what you think they mean. Defend yourself! What happened to you? You were strong and now you choose to hide from the facts?! You never let people take advantage of you, why start now?

 

But then, what if it was meant to be simple? Why should I complicate things?

 

If things appears to be simple but is actually not, let it continue to hide, because the world is complicated enough without me adding anything onto it.