Mid-Autumn Festival morning – Watching District 9

I’m trying to find a way to categorize my posts better… or to even chop down my day’s entry into several short posts so it’s easier to categorize. Even thought most of the time I’m the one reading my own blog (ha), I like things neat, tidy and very organized.

 

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Today’s Mid-Autumn Festival. Friends too busy, brothers not around, parents couldn’t care less about festivals and stuff, and I only work five days a week anyways, so I expected it to be just another typical Saturday.

 

Even though I’ve gone to see a movie just the day before yesterday, I let myself go watch District 9, despite my empty bank account. It was after all a festival today and for some reason I was feeling the exact opposite of upbeat, so I thought I needed the distractions. (Haha after I told Nicole that she should definitely go watch District 9, she recommended The Time Traveler’s Wife cos it made her cry like a baby throughout the whole movie. I’ve read and loved the book but never thought of watching it on film… so maybe I will go see it next Saturday?!)

 

I caught the morning show (again) and was late for 10 minutes, missing the intro. I don’t usually watch Sci-Fi movies, or any movies that involve a lot of slimy flesh or bodies exploding into tiny pieces, and I guess that’s why ever so often I found myself pushing my back against the chair; not because I’m scared of blood or anything but I just don’t enjoy watching scenes involving violence. There were also scenes were painful to watch, in a different sort of way. There were so many examples…

 

One would be Wikus pulling the plugs from the alien fetuses while explaining excitedly what was going on in the shack… and when he finally gave orders to have the nest burned down, the babies’ shrieks and screams were thought to be “interesting” and “noisy”… (I was finding examples in my head of men doing the same to animals, or even to fellow men…)… or the way he was no longer treated as a human in the lab; the officers were shocking him with high volts of electricity even though he was more than willing to comply with their commands to operate the alien weaponry… or when Wikus begged them not to force him to test the gun on an alien.

 

There was one scene was where Christopher explained to Wikus that his kid liked him because he thought they were the same. The alien kid was stretching out his arm to compare with Wikus’, only to be met with Wikus’ apparent disgust by the mere idea that they were remotely similar (Why did I not think that this alien kid was a girl? What if its species didn’t have a gender?). Sometimes grown ups over complicate things; sometimes it takes a child’s innocent association and observation to really get the gist of things…

 

One particular scene that got me into tears (note: this isn’t one of those tear-jerking movies) was where Christopher was stunned at the sight of his fellow beings being tortured under the name of scientific discovery/education/analysis/defense, and he literally froze when he stood in front of one of the study subjects; that was burnt/skinned/gone through whatever inhumane treatment.

 

Usually I cry in movies when I sympathize with certain characters at a particular moment (which happens more often than I would have liked… I’m such a cry baby when it comes to watching movies), but what was different this time was that a big part of me wasn’t crying for what Christopher was feeling, but rather not emotionally understanding why; why on earth people (the supposedly sane ones) can treat a living creature like that. I pained for the alien, I pained for Christopher, but I also pained for the human race for their lack of empathy for those that are different and their capability to disregard life, especially when it comes to monetary gain.

 

Despite sympathizing with the aliens, I also understood where the government and the people were coming from. Although quite a number of them were obviously out for the money, most of the things mankind did was done out of fear and skepticism. There we were presented with a bunch of big scary creatures, whose technology was more advanced, and were seemingly equal if not more capable than human beings in terms of intelligence. It threatened mankind’s position as the superior living being… they felt their lives were threatened because of the existence of a stronger species.

 

At the back of our heads, it’s always the survival of the fittest; and history has shown that without intervention (law, economics… etc), the fittest has always devoured the weak. So before the aliens have a chance to hurt us, we hurt them first, know everything there was to know about them, isolate and prevent them from getting help. When it comes to “survival”, should we ignore our supposedly compassionate nature as humans? Where do you keep the balance between “self-defense” and “humanity” (I’ve come to see the word “humanity” is pretty ironic)? I remember reading something about the more intelligent a being, the more inclined it is to keep peace. Turns out the humans in the movie weren’t that intelligent after all.

 

It may seem that the movie didn’t have a good ending, but there was. Wikus, like most of mankind, was weak and scared. In spite of all that human weaknesses, he showed compassion in the end when he turned back to help Christopher and urged him to get back to the spaceship and fly home.

 

Even me as a newbie in sci-fi movies, knows this movie could be boring to people who were expecting loads of technological stuff (I loved those blue glowing projection buttons, which you can move around three dimensionally), lots of machinery action or a hyper exciting plot. So maybe they should stop show trailers with only flesh-exploding shots and humans fighting aliens in HK? District 9 was more about getting viewers to think about issues on racism and xenophobia, but instead of featuring an ethnic race which we are prone to have formed certain perceptions in our minds, we get to be free from stereotyping and see discrimination in its purest form.

 

I got out of the theater wondering how I and so many others, are so absorbed in our lives, finding joy over tiny things and fretting over petty stuff when there are so many bigger problems around us. How or should we make a balance between caring for the small things in our personal lives and the big ones that are so beyond our reach?

Some sudden insights on Facebook

I went to two primary schools and quite honestly there were little fond memories of the second one though nothing really bad happened. I kept contact with only one classmate. However, a few months ago someone in our old class decided to have a class reunion and suddenly I found myself creating a new contact list called “Primary School” for these “new friends” in Facebook. Supposedly this is a perfect example of how Facebook is a great place to keep in touch with people; makes the world a smaller place, and I appreciated that… but after creating that list I’m having second thoughts.

 

Pedestrians

There are some people who had made little impact, or whose path so happened to cross yours for a tiny fraction of your life and under normal circumstances you don’t plan to keep in touch. I refer them as “the pedestrians in life (生命中的過客)”. Now with Facebook, you’re connected to almost every single person who passes by your life and you can’t let go. You can either not accept their “friend” request in the first place and earn the reputation of being “unfriendly”; or delete these people from your friend list after a period of time, though it seems cruel – to physically delete someone from your life.

 

Is it such a big deal, to still have that connection? Just think how much of your life is on display in Facebook: You upload loads of photos; the stuff you write on people’s Walls and “what’s in your mind” pretty much covers what’s happening in your life… and people don’t have to click to your profile and read on purpose, they just have to login Facebook and a whole page of News Feeds is loaded. If you were sharing these with your Actual Friends that’s alright, but most of us have people in our friend list who aren’t friends to begin with. If they were complete strangers, things probably would be better because tiny details of a strangers’ life are of no interest of theirs. By simply thinking all my simple acquaintance can know so much about my life… is enough to make me choke. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like it when people know so much about me and I’m not aware of it. In the end, I am handing everyone a share of M-E; giving them a bigger role in my life than they should have.

 

Announcements

“What’s on your mind”? I gather people don’t ask others that question too often. Initially it was a way to release a certain moment of emotion/thought, but then it changed into this public board where people say “I’m sad; comfort me”; some expect others to remember or notice changes of their Facebook status because they shout it out in an open field and people should have heard their cries. Although they may not meant it (only some, most of them do), but ultimately every single one of these people are seeking for attention; in our normal face-to-face interaction we never felt people around us could give us enough attention we need for various reasons, e.g. friends aren’t always around, or that people can’t anticipate our emotional needs… So how much attention should we get? Is this a healthy way to get the care and attention we want by making public announcements? At first, with Xanga or even the general usage of blogs, people make their lives public because in the end, people are desperate for empathy, understanding and support. With Facebook, you have this big pool of fixed audience. Is Facebook indulging us with the promise of constant attention and we would only crave for more?

 

Then I just got a friend request, realized it was one of my favorite teachers in high school and it made me remember Facebook does bring people closer; in a world where time is increasing valuable and actual human interactions can be surprisingly cold. Once again it proves that there are very few things in life that are absolute good or bad, just that we have to identify the trade offs and decide if it’s all worth it.

Graduation Trip Day 4 – Chania, Crete Island, Greece

We landed at Chania airport at around five in the morning. It was sort of amazing to me how small an airport could be; get off the plane, take a bus to the airport terminal, enter room to get luggage, exit room and see a parking lot with buses lining around. We didn’t know which bus to take to the coast so we asked around. The drivers did not understand a word of English; basically just by opening our mouths made them shook their heads. Fortunately there was this lady who could speak in Greek and English so she helped us find our bus. After it left the airport, a conductor of some sort slowly asked the passengers for the bus fare. Since I was one carrying all our money and keeping track of our expenses, I gave the guy our fare. The guy stared at the note, with this are-you-kidding-me look on his face, and then Carman pointed out I gave the guy Pounds instead of Euro. I had already separated the two currencies, but out of habit I took money out from the same purse… he must be thinking “stupid Japanese people” in Greek when he handed me back my change.

 

Finally we arrived at the bus terminal. Since I didn’t know anything about Chania or anything about our plans in Greece because that was supposed to be Janette’s area, I couldn’t help with the asking-around; where were we or how should we get to our hostel and anyway the three of them were working on it. Naturally I was pretty angry with Janette; it was six o’clock in the morning, we were completely lost and no one speaks English or Chinese, she didn’t have the address of the hostel, basically had no clue how were we supposed to get there from the bus station… finally we found our way to the old Venetian Harbor. Then we realized that Janette didn’t even have the name of the hostel, which she thought I would have printed out because she sent me the email between her and the hostel staff as I said I would print out all our hostel bookings, which were all done by me except this one, and I’ve send her the list of address and info on the places we were staying, we checked all the printouts at the HK airport and she said nothing… I decided to let that go, while she was holding her PDA walking around, trying to see if she could use WiFi and check her email. Finally she produced a name, so Amy and I went to search for the hostel by looking at the names in front of the buildings, leaving Janette and Carman to guard our stuff. Fortunately it wasn’t far and I found it, yay.

 

Hostel: Ifigenia Center

We’ve booked a 4-person room with a sea view. Considering the room cost 90 Euros per night split between four, it was a bargain. The room wasn’t ready yet and the owner was so eager to prove to us how great the place was. He showed us up to the balcony beside the roof, which all four of us quickly decided not to visit again because of the wobbly stairs leading up to the balcony. After a few minutes, the room was ready. The owner unlocked the door and proudly said “Welcome to Paradise”. It was Paradise – there were beds and a bathroom. Then slowly taking everything else in, it was a very nice room: two single beds and one double; windows overlooking the whole harbor; teeny tiny balcony cramped with two miniature chairs but very cute; a fridge; a bottle of unidentified alcohol and champagne; and a Jacuzzi. Half of me was happy that Janette found this place, another half worried that the other places will appear dreadful after our stay here in Chania… We all were desperate for a shower, so we spent two hours in our room before going out (note to self, don’t let Janette shower first again if possible, because she needs an hour, me half an hour, Amy ten minutes and Carman five…).

 

Naval Museum

The first place we’ve gone to was the place that has the word “museum” in front of it, was right next to the hostel, and free of charge – the Naval Museum. There were a few artifacts, a few black and white pictures and that was it. I think there was a session that you pay to get in, but we didn’t think it was worth it. Right up the Naval Museum is a fortress of some sort, and we get to see the whole coast from above. The weather was heavenly; just enough sun to make it a great summer day without the feeling of being roasted; the cool breeze might be a bit strong for some people, but I absolutely loved the wind and found myself laughing just because I felt the wind on my face… I looked down the fortress and see a line of school children, walking with their hands on the shoulders of the kid in front of them, the line moving like a colorful caterpillar. Looking at them sort of reminded me how it was like playing under the sun with my brothers… it’s funny when even though you don’t necessarily want to go back to the life then, you still sometimes miss just being a kid.

 

The line of school children

Just outside the museum we were trying to take pictures of all of us and another tourist come over and offered to help. He spoke a few words in Cantonese and it shocked the hell out of us, haha… turns out he and his wife are from the UK but has lived in Hong Kong for a couple of years, are now retired and wanted to travel for a bit. We’ve chatted for a while, talking about places we planned to visit and places in HK like Tsim Sha Tsui and Causeway Bay…

 

The coast

Streets and Shops along the coast

Since we get to use the kitchen back at the hostel we decided to cook dinner ourselves and so we looked around to see where we could get the ingredients. I think it was the sunlight that made ordinary things looked extra pretty and nice; there were a lot of interesting little shops with crafts, paintings, jewelry, ceramics… etc. The only girly shopping that I do like is shopping for jewelry, and not the plastic or the bling bling kind, but rather has a certain style to it (primitive / raw / combination of colors / design / the material…etc.) … and there were so many jewelry shops with great designs. However, because there were too much to choose from, I ended up deciding not to buy any until either the price or the piece is absolutely perfect.

 

We were looking for a place to have lunch when we ran into the English couple again at an outdoor restaurant. They were almost finished with their meal and the guy said the food there is good, so with the recommendation and the price was reasonable, we tried it out. We were still pretty unfamiliar with how restaurants work; they gave us bread and butter while we weren’t exactly sure if we would be charged extra because of that; when they knew we weren’t going to order drinks they gave us water, which also made us wonder if we would be charged for that too… after our meal we asked for the bill, and together with that the waiter gave us our desert, a small bottle of transparent liquid and mini jugs. Not sure what it was, we asked our waiter what it was.

 

“Water. Don’t smell, just drink.” he replied with a grin before getting back indoors.

 

We knew it was alcohol of some sort, but wanting to try everything at least once, Amy poured everyone a jug full and we drank… Carman took a sip and choked. I finished my jug at one go; it tasted as strong as XO though I doubt it really is I didn’t feel warm or blushed or anything; and I’ve decided that small jug is enough to make me stay away from it in the future. Janette, who apparently has loads of drinking experiences throughout university, embraced this new alcoholic beverage and she convinced Amy to drink with her… and to reenact the scene where the waiter said “Water. Don’t smell, just drink”. They took a few takes so they pretty much finished the whole bottle. They were laughing pretty hard and kept on repeating the phrase I thought the waiter might think we were making fun of him rather cruelly, since he didn’t understand what we were saying in Chinese, sigh… maybe I’m just overly sensitive.

Later we learned that it’s Raki, a very common local alcoholic drink which is much cheaper than water (so that’s the unidentified alcoholic drink in our room ^^).

 

Indoor Market

Amy and Carman tried to locate the museums and local attractions but gave up after the first museum seemed more suited to be a shop and there were so many other things to see just by walking around. We paused at a shaded spot to reapply sunscreen which I thought would look pretty comical if I saw four tourists so concentrated on rubbing themselves on the streets. Janette had plans for us to go to the Elafonissi beach the next day so I kept an eye for a summer flowery dress my mom told me to get. We went into this shop and bought a plain blue-green dress from this hard-looking couple (considering the price and other things I really should have saved up and bought jewelry instead, sigh, but never mind). I guess I was too tired to think straight, because when we were at the cashier to pay, the owner asked where were we from, and after answering, I returned the question, asking where was he from, which shocked him and his wife. His wife arched her brow when she answered “From Greece.” Janette quickly came to my rescue, saying that because their English was so good, they didn’t sound local, which pleased the owner tremendously and began telling us he studied in England for awhile… after leaving the shop I thanked Janette for getting me out of trouble. She asked why did I ask such a question. I didn’t really know why, but I guess it was more of a reflex, asking where someone’s from…  

 

We found an indoor market, but it was already three o’clock… most shops close for around two hours in the afternoon (to take naps?!?!!), and opens again at half past four or five… then they close at six or seven. Fortunately there were still a few shops opened, so we bought souvenirs (bought a jar of honey for my mom, but had no clue what to get for my brothers… olive soaps?), postcards and some herbs to cook pasta. Then we headed to a travel agency to get bus and boat tickets, and the supermarket to get the other ingredients for our dinner. On the way there were so little people on the streets I wondered where everyone has gone to… do they really take naps in the afternoon??!

 

Lighthouse

We took a rest in our room before leaving for the lighthouse to see the sunset. The three of them took a small nap while I recorded down our expenses and checked if everything was okay money-wise (and if I’ve slept, no way am I ever going to wake up). At seven, we slowly head for the lighthouse.

 

A tiny fraction of what I saw in Chania

The weather was fantastic; the royal blue sea… everything was so picturesque. I always loved the sky and sea… I’ve always thought that the images on postcards were edited with Photoshop and hence the brilliant contrasts and heavenly colors… but I saw for myself that the postcards were no exaggeration… in fact they didn’t do the view I saw justice; it was breathtakingly stunning. If I were on my own I would sit there for hours just staring at the sky and sea, waiting for night to fall… and it brought me back to the night I sat at the pier in Tai Po, feeling both overwhelmed and at peace at the same time… I was utterly in love and I promised myself to return someday so I can properly take in everything. 

On our way back to the hostel, I thanked Janette for making me coming to this trip. I originally was hesitant about going; whether I should spend almost all my savings on something that wasn’t necessary; that I should stay in Hong Kong and find work as soon as possible… and people have asked us why would we go to Greece as the ticket going there costs a lot more. But since we had to get our tickets before mid March, and because Janette insisted that she wanted to go to Crete Island and Santorini, I had to make a decision. As I didn’t have much of a preference, I let Janette choose the cities we visit. She said very few people in HK knew about Chania; it was only because some Taiwanese came and highly recommended the place that the only Chinese who went there were Taiwanese.

 

It was already 10 when we finally got back to the hostel and start preparing dinner. We found there were no stoves and the lights in the kitchen were so dim. We asked the hostel staff for help; he managed to produce a small but wobbly stove and helped us light it (and nearly burned himself…). After enthusiastically suggesting that we should cook dinner ourselves, it didn’t occur to me that Janette didn’t know how to cook… we later realized we forgot to buy milk to make the sauce and there were only sugar in the kitchen, no salt… fortunately I’ve saved up the packets of salt, pepper and milk from our meals on the plane (also butter, jam, and utensils…), which caused them to start calling me “Mom” (Me keeping accounts and Janette asking me for money to pay for stuff doesn’t exactly help things either).

 

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Just before bed, I looked outside the window for awhile and climbed into the covers, suddenly feeling so contented.

 

Chania...

Graduation Trip Day 3 – London, going to Chania

At some point I realized there are way too many things I want in life and they are impossible to coexist…

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So apparently not waking Janette up yesterday night was a big mistake. She never thought that I wouldn’t wake her up because she was wearing contact lenses when she lied down on the bed. So she nearly had to go though a surgical procedure to have the lens removed from her eyes this morning. I told her all I knew was how tired she was so I let her sleep; not needing contact lenses myself, taking it off wasn’t the first thing that reached my head when deciding whether or not I wake a person up. Only half jokingly, I also told her I was afraid she would slap me if I woke her up.

 

I continued to help Edith translating her piece before we go out and find Apple and her sister. Yesterday night I was so tired that after I washed my hair I went straight to bed. So this morning I had head hair. Edith lent me her hair curler and I tried my best working around it without a mirror, basically turning a flat mess to a big mess. While I was typing away on the keyboard Janette helped me with my hair (that’s how horrible it was). So when I was finally done and got up and look at the mirror, my immediate reaction was “I look old @@” meanwhile the other two told me how feminine I looked. … .. . So on our way to go to meet Apple and Rainbow I kept on pulling my hair to straighten it… which was smart because Rainbow was in fits of laughter when she saw me; I reminded her of our ceramics teacher in high school, and that got the other two laughing with her (Oddly, not the first time I’ve heard people say I looked like her).

 

Hyde Park Corner 

After walking around for awhile and not finding a supermarket, we decided to head back to the park and finish whatever Apple has in her bag first, which included bread, cucumber, salmon sandwich spread, ham, and actual apples. We found a nice spot to sit and began our picnic. Again the feeling of being in a holiday was very strange; all I had to do was to take my mind off things, relax and have fun (Hmm… how do I do that?).

 

It was extremely cold in the open area and someone out there was having some sort of a barbeque (I thought you weren’t allowed to light a fire in parks?). So after polishing everything edible we played games that involved jumping around, loads of laughing at each other… to keep ourselves warm. We were having so much fun that Janette and I were reluctant to leave. But we had to go back to Edith’s place to pick up our luggage and catch our bus to Stansted airport.

 

Bus Stop (Baker Street)

We were running late… and we didn’t know the exact location of the bus stop. So Janette was running, looking for the bus and I followed, trying to keep up. Finally we found our orange EasyBus, but we were five minutes late… fortunately the driver said it was okay for us to take this bus instead without extra charge. It was a three-hour ride… and I spent all that time listening to the radio and falling asleep. Finally we got to the airport and met up with Janette’s roommates Carman and Amy. We were just in time to catch our plane. Ahead of us were a five-hour flight to Athens, a three-hour wait at the airport, and then a two-hour flight to Chania of Grete Island, Greece!

 

On the plane, Janette and I were admiring the stewardesses (e.g. strong features which takes make up extremely well; perfect 1:7 head to body scale… I remember for a time I’ve been staring at people and realize most of us have a 1 to 6.5 ratio instead). I watched Bride Wars starring Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, and was extremely grateful that I didn’t pay to watch it because it was boring, stupid, has no actual storyline (kind of a disappointment because I always liked Kate Hudson…) and ended up with the conclusion that since women getting married = women going crazy and immature, so maybe they shouldn’t get married after all.

 

Athens Airport

We decided to check if our bags weren’t directly transferred to the plane as we requested back at Stansted airport. However Janette saw how many people were waiting along the luggage belt and suggested us to stick around for awhile, just to make sure. Fortunately we did, because it turns out that Janette, Carman and Amy’s luggage were all there, except mine. One of the staff, who saw we were the only ones left waiting, helped me check. Then this lady kept on assuring us that they didn’t lost my luggage, they lost Amy’s (and all four of us stared at the luggage next to Amy); technically it’s mine because on the tag was my name. Anyway they finally located “Amy’s” stuff; it was the only bag that was directly transferred to our next plane. To make sure nothing was lost in transitions we decided to get it back.

 

Most of the seats were pretty much taken except for two. Carman and Amy decided to walk around the airport, while Janette and I wanted to get some sleep. Sitting on the chairs, I suggested that both of us to keep one leg on each of our cases so one of us won’t have to stay up to look after our stuff… then when I woke up and caught the old couple who sat across us staring, somewhat disapprovingly (It’s not like we were wearing dresses; Janette had leggings on and I wore jeans… but then our feet were at their eye level…). We slept some more on the next plane… so basically the whole night was us trying to accumulate at least six hours of sleep because we have a whole new day ahead of us, in Chania.  

 

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I told Apple how great it was that having a picnic can be such a casual thing, when in Hong Kong, everyone is so busy, it’s always so hot and stuffy outside during day, there’s no space in the city unless we go to the countryside… I hoped this wasn’t the only picnic I’m going to have in these couple of years @@. Despite the hectic life waiting for her at home, Apple promised that we will have another picnic back at home. Something to look forward to ^^.

A Solemn Night

Janette spent the night at my place because we both have to take the IELTS exams today. She has gone through a lot lately: her father is seriously ill and just recently she has attended a classmate’s funeral.

 

What happened was so cruel and sad. He was about to take IELTS too; about to graduate from one of Hong Kong’s best universities in two months, he had great plans for his future. But one morning he didn’t wake up for breakfast so his mother knocked at his door and there was no answer. Finding him unconscious she immediately called for emergency just to learn that he passed away in the middle of the night.

 

It is frightening when the word “death” means more than just a simple expression; to think that someone my age with a similar life could be gone so unexpectedly… I could hardly imagine the grieve his family, especially his parents is going through when I see Janette, who was just a classmate and didn’t know him very well, in such a distressed state. She was already talking differently, using vocabulary only people who have suffered a loss would know. I remember Raymond told me that a cousin he didn’t know very well died two years ago. This year, during Chinese New Year, while everyone was in the living room talking and laughing, he walked past and saw his aunt weeping silently outside the balcony. One of his close friends has also died last summer. She was on her way to do voluntary work when a tree fell on top of her. She was going to start HKU in a month and had a bright life ahead. I thought of people who commit suicide and wondered if they thought of their loved ones before doing the deed; if they were selfish enough to let them go through all that pain. I guess right at the start of your life, it’s not only yours anymore.

 

I come to see that I always had this thought at the back of my head that life is a set of clear classified stages; start talking at three, primary school at six, start working at around twenty five, get married… Janette said Ng Chi Lam (our old English teacher) once mentioned that in his twenties and thirties, he went to a series of weddings: friends, classmates…etc. Afterwards, in his fifties and sixties, he started going to funerals of friends’ parents. Now the only thing that is clear is that in life, nothing really is. If we could not avoid the pain of facing the death of loved ones, I only wish that it won’t come until the later part of life.

 

 

Ah… I’m so spoiled…

Okay, after this entry I will try harder to write better and organize my thoughts. I know I tend to jump around and wander off to another direction in my writing.

 

And I should control the length of my entries… I tend to keep on rambling on the same ideas…

 

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Wednesday, two things:

 

1. I’ve always had problems focusing. It just never came to me that during test it could get worse. If any of my daydreams were true, then I’ve seen a lot of people within 5 hours by just sitting quietly @@. Too bad I don’t daydream often.

 

2. For the whole week I’ve been looking pale (more than usual), sick and hair chaotic, but right after my last paper for the day, for some weird reason, I actually got some color back on my cheeks. Maybe I’m starting to develop exam allergies?

 

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A lot of people have been asking me what I planned to do after graduation. I thought of looking for a job, accepting the fact that my university life was horrid and that I would never try out school life in America; that I’d probably wouldn’t have another art class ever again, or any chance to brainstorm and be creative; knowing that I won’t be able to learn how to write properly ever.

 

I went to this McDonnell scholarship talk just to realize it was only for Ph. D students (many of us got fooled). Nevertheless, the message was that they were looking for exceptional students and groom them to be future leaders, with the hopes of making the world a better place. And by exceptional they mean academically. Initially I was upset because I thought “okay, so I’m never going to make a difference”. But then I started to get worked up. What does my performance in school have anything to do with me being “exceptional” or with me being a leader? Why must my life be determined by my transcript and graduation….

 

It dawned to me that if I graduate next year; just accept what I have right now and don’t change anything, then this is really It for me. I’m always going to feel like a failure just because I did terribly in school (well, university at least). I’ll always have to look back thinking I could have done better. .. but wait, I’m just 21 and already I’m regretting for what I’ve done in my life? That can’t be right @@.

 

I want to try studying art again, try to spend more time on creative writing, see if I’m not as mediocre as I think I am, and treat my interests seriously. I want to be inspired; to understand who I really am; and what am I made of. I’ve started doing my school-research again, stumbling back to the course content of degree programmes such as the bachelor degree of fine arts. I was thinking, I was suppose to spend 4 years in HKU anyway, so why not I try taking up fine arts instead for a year and decide what I want to do after that? If I’m any good, I might be able to get to a masters program after the first year (if I could build up a superb portfolio @@). Highly impossible, but just a thought. I could always come back to Hong Kong…

 

So the basic idea is, me spending a year elsewhere to try out studying in fine arts.

 

My concerns, as always, are about time and money. Then I look at people around me, doing things they want to do, going to places they want to see and explore… why can’t I have that? They’re the same age as me; I don’t think they are particularly well off… so what’s stopping me? Fear.

 

Fear of me being a brat by asking for extra money for something unnecessary when they are already supporting my brothers in America (they seriously don’t need the extra expenses); Fear of thinking of all this and not joining the work force all just because I’m spoiled. Fear of wasting a year of my life; Fear of having no future if I end up being a fine art graduate; Fear of ending up wasting my parent’s money; Fear of convincing my father that I can, I want to, and I should do this, so I won’t have any regrets; Fear of adapting in a new environment; Fear that I would have to accept that I might not be as good as I think I would.

 

But what is one year compared to my life, since I’m planning to stick around for quite some time @@?

 

But I’m not planning to work in the art industry… at least not now… is it still okay? A master degree (if I get one), might end up being more of a hindrance in looking for other work…

 

But what if all this is just stupidity? I’m not even one of the best in my high school in Hong Kong… what future would I have in US or UK? What if I Think I want to study art or writing, just because it seems to be easier? What if I just spend a year on it and decided to come back to Hong Kong (which I think is the most possible outcome)… is that a waste of money and time?

 

Sometimes I couldn’t help think, am I being punished for being able to get to University in Hong Kong, leaving me here while my brothers are in America. This is extremely selfish and stupid, I know… they’re having a hard time, and my parents shouldn’t have to pay for us doing poorly in school, but sometimes I couldn’t help but think… sigh…

 

Sigh… I’m just really spoiled… really I am… if I weren’t spoiled, I wouldn’t even have these thoughts, these “problems”…

A New Life

It has been a long time since I wrote (big surprise here). Since April to August I managed to have my 20th birthday, forgot to take my exam and got my father to disinherit me.

 

Yep, my life never gets boring.

 

I am now currently earning my living (sort of) by taking up tutoring jobs, which gives me the money and assurance that I’m not as useless as… well, just useless. I am rather determined to keep on writing by keeping this blog updated, so I won’t ever think of not finishing my many-started-already stories. I’m no longer suicidal,; I am happy and sort of relaxed for a change.

 

At this moment my goal is to smile more and be happy. (After that the next goal is to study hard.)

 

Now I get to see my friends more so I’m not as depressed. I know I’m lucky to have them with me (maybe I’m not such a bad person after all ^^). However I have to really self-discipline myself from not partying 247.

 

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Yesterday I went to Julie’s home for tutoring lessons. She’s nine years old and she’s a really cute kid. I mean, I could see that she is going to be a very charming girl when she grows up. She looks up at me through her eyelashes if she wants something (“Can we play a card game first?”) and she is very energetic and bright. In some ways I wanted to bring her out and let my friends meet her. But that’s just an idea, nothing serious. I just keep on mentioning her in odd occasions.

 

After Bo’s lesson I went to meet Apple, Cass, Edith, and some guys for a drink. We went to the Art and Culture Museum to get pissed (well, since I thought I was going home I should be capable of walking a straight line).

 

Then we went to sing karaoke for the whole night (so I didn’t go back home after all). We went to McDonalds at 6:00 for breakfast. Before we go there we had to wake up Wah-Hong first. Cass kept on throwing sugar packs at his face but with no prevail. Kenny and Matthew kept on shaking him but he still won’t wake. Funny to look at, if it wasn’t that we were “warned” to leave the room within 10 seconds.

 

We talked until around 9:30 (and making the guys really uneasy with the conversation flow. What would girls ask boys and make them uneasy, I wonder?). I got back home at 10:00 am and slept like a pig till 4:00 pm.

 

For once I could act like a teenager at the late age of twenty.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes, you really don’t know what you want to be.

 

Sometimes, you just turn into the type of person you’d never want to be.

 

Sometimes, you cannot look at the mirror without wanting to tear yourself apart.

 

Sometimes, you just wonder what is wrong with yourself.

 

Sometimes, you don’t want to be you.

 

Are you just like everyone else, so you’re not special?

 

Or are you just too not like everyone else, so you’re difficult?

 

Should you care for something that you can never do right?

 

Could you not care for something that you never did right?

 

Why do you always feel empty inside, like life has no meaning?

 

Has the feeling gone so deep that the hollowness in you feels so real?

 

Can you forget something that you have?

 

Can being drunk help hide your problems for a period of time?

 

Has the thought of twirling one or two times in the middle of the road you’re crossing till the next car hits you ever crossed your mind?

 

What if the thought was always constant?

 

What if you realize that you will never be what you want to be?

It’s just me, moaning and groaning.

This entry is all moan-and-groan. Do not read because this is unbelievably boring. You have been warned.

 

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What is wrong with me?

 

I lost my will to live; that’s what.

 

It has been a more than month since school starts. I do not like school as much as I should or would like to; I cannot recognize it as “my school”. I’m having a hard time trying to catch up with all my work. My loner status is starting to get into my nerves. I’m trying to make a balance between school work, money paying work and dance, where in all three I’m not improving much. All I want to do nowadays is to hit bed and stay dead. How pathetic a very-single, 19-year old girl could be?