Meet Friends = Good Food = Feel Bloated

Lately I’ve been wandering around Dell’s website, trying to see which computer I want… but the thing is I don’t know when I can buy one… I planned to wait till I have a desk in my room (because maybe then I won’t have to work on the floor and have saved enough to afford paying in installments?), but apparently that’s another infinite wait.

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Until recent years plumpness had always been associated with merriness and joy, like Santa with his big big tummy; The books I grew up reading had most of the “thin/bony” characters portrayed as evil or mean (but to be honest “sour looking” was usually also included in the description); the older Chinese generation could recall a time when a full figure represented wellbeing (we after all have been forced to starvation every once in awhile throughout history) whereas now it just meant medical bills…

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It has just hit me that most of my closer friends are back in Hong Kong. Phyllis’ back from Switzerland (away for 5 years), Tannessa (away for 4) and Apple (away for 1, but then I don’t see her very often when we were university because she’s too busy) from UK… and I am trying to adjust my buggering at them every so often because somehow I half expect them to be on the go again very soon. I still start my phone calls or text messages to Tannessa with “I’m still not used to being able to call you whenever I want to” even though she’s been back for around two months. Now I am talking and meeting up friends more often, especially in these two weeks, which is great… but as to keep the world’s equilibrium in place, some bad has to come out from it.

I, like most of the female population (unfortunately), have always been fixated on my figure and vowed to lose weight almost as long as I lived (but then by Asian standards I was/am overweight). Lucky for me, I’ve always been sensible about it; never made myself sick, turned to laxatives, staved myself, took up crazy diets… but nevertheless still obsessed. Most of the time I avoided ordering takeaways by staring at my wallet; I rarely bought junk food when I go out for groceries because when facing the aisles I just don’t want to (and thinking about my wallet also helps). So sometimes when I have a sudden urge for junk food, I turned to the peanut butter jar for comfort because there’s nothing else to eat at home.

If I ever do buy junk food (like Oreos), I would polish the whole pack in one go with a small glass of milk (thank God my mom doesn’t read this). Good thing is I feel more happy than guilty after such a treat, but I just have to make sure I won’t be doing that again too often too soon. But up to this point it’s obvious that I’ve been gaining weight, cos if I weren’t I wouldn’t be babbling here about my eating habits. Most of the time I go out with friends after work, we have dinner, eat good food and that’s when I’m in trouble… I tend to eat very little for dinner at home because my digestive system is so slow the digestion keeps me up at night, and whenever I have a normal portion of dinner the night before, I feel bloated for the entire next day…

22/11 Sun – (Dinner) Daphne’s birthday dinner at Spaghetti House with Phyllis and others, meal consist of pizza, spaghetti, fondue and lots of cake…

24/11 Tue – (Tea) went out with Melody to get coffee and junk food for the office… and inhaled a pair of Twix…

25/11 Wed – (Tea) whole box of cinnamon Teddy Graham crackers.

26/11 Thu – (Tea) 12 Oreos

27/11 Fri – (Tea) another 12 Oreos, and Melody bought me Hong Kong’s all time favourite (recently voted as most popular snack among primary school children): 雞蛋仔 (Hong Kong style waffles / Egg Puff…?).

28/11 Sat – (Dinner) cheese fondue and ice cream with Apple and Morgan

29/11 Sun – (Lunch) sushi with grandma and mom (not a lot though, but I was too well fed for the week…)

1/12 Tue – (Dinner) Shanghai dumplings, rice and stuff with Tannessa; ice cream for dessert

2/12 Wed – (Dinner) Haagan Dazs all-you-can-eat ice cream with Melody and Stephanie from work.

3/12 Thur – (Tea) Sushi and ice cream with Apple

Basically for two whole weeks I felt either full or bloated at all waking moments… it always leaves me a joyful warm feeling when I see friends and dine with them, but too much bliss will gradually become not so much if I don’t control myself and do both in “moderation”…

Just as I thought today I can start getting back in track and go to dance class (the last time I went was a week ago…), and I got a call from my mom saying that she wants me to go to a family dinner tonight with her, which again means eating noodles string by string to keep my mind and hands occupied without looking awkward. So I guess it’s my cue to say “it couldn’t be helped; I will start tomorrow :)”.

Dinner with Relatives

The last time I had dinner with relatives and family was in Chinese New Year. For two nights (I managed to get out of the third one, thank God) I stuffed myself with food because I had to keep myself occupied. Since it was Dinner, there was nothing else to do but Eat.

 

One of the reasons I don’t like going to these dinners, other than the awkwardness (everyone is obligated to show up and make small talk) and the fact that it’s a complete waste of time, is that they serve dinner late (at 8 or 9). I have dinner early, like 5 or 6 because I can’t sleep with a full stomach. The extra weight, no sleep… it’s just not worth it when nothing good comes out of it, like “having a nice time” for example. The mere reason I went was because I didn’t go on the third night in CNY… and out of respect (sort of).

 

This time I got smart: I ate in slow motion, so I could keep holding on to my chopsticks and pretend to be busy with chewing instead of painfully bored. I was so slow that it took me more than half an hour to finish a tiny bowl of lukewarm soup (in case you’re wondering, it’s about the size of a medium cupcake you get in bakeries); and I ate noodles by the string. Then I kept on drinking tea and water… but turns out I stayed up till 3 o’clock in the morning. Not because of the tea, but I was trying to find out what is going one with my younger cousin, Jonathan.

 

In sum up in a few sentences, he picked up smoking (all typical consequences aside, considering his age and the recent increase of tax, it is basically a very unwise move from his part), hangs out with the wrong crowd, skips school very often (he has just started his first year in university) and has no friends there. The horrible part of all this is that all I did was ask my aunt how my two cousins, Jonathan and Maxwell were doing (cos they weren’t there =_=) and that was her immediate reply.

 

I wasn’t really surprised of how comfortable she was saying all these things to me; I got this impression that our family sees portraying their own children in the worst light possible as a way of socializing with each other. I took her rather nonchalant attitude as having no idea how to help her son and that she is afraid that the more she does the more she will push him further away, which has happened a couple of years ago.

 

Originally I thought she was exaggerating. He always did pretty well in high school and got into one of the best universities in HK (UST, University of Stress Science and Tension Technology). True he grew reserved and quiet, but who hasn’t (Picture me, Vincent Steven Jason Max and Jon at a family reunion, sitting quietly and staring at our bowls, occasionally murmuring a word to the person next to us)? Now that there’s only Max Jon and me left in HK, and I don’t see them as often when the other three were in HK, we don’t have much to say but me inquiring  “how’s life lately” and them politely replied “it’s Okay/Fine”. Anyway, most moms’ idea of “bad people” means kids who turn in their homework late, or that they almost failed in their last math exam.

 

So that night I asked Jason to see if he knew anything (he is closer to Jon than anyone of us ever were), then it became an MSN group discussion with Max, Jason and Jon’s ex girlfriend Polly. Turns out the things my aunt said weren’t exaggerated; they were greatly understated. Him being forced to leave school after this semester if he goes on like this is just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, the more I learnt, the more I’m sure my aunt doesn’t really no idea how serious this has become. All these information came from Polly, who he opens up but does not listen to. I saw that as his cry for help.

 

Although we were never close I have this strong urge to help him, even thought it really isn’t in my power to get him out of this mess. All I can do is to talk to him, try to get him share his thoughts with me, and see if we could come up with a solution to his problems. But the thing is he doesn’t open up to people… I plan to ask him out for lunch or something and tell him his options, and tell him the ordeal I’ve been through in my first year in university too… My biggest concern is that he doesn’t know who to turn to, and he doesn’t need someone to state the obvious like “smoking is no good for you/those friends of yours are bad Bad people/Do well in school”. I just hope he will give me (or anyone who can guide him) a chance to listen to his problems, and me being able to let him know that he’s not alone.

 

Sigh. Nothing good really comes out from dinner with (my) relatives, does it.

Chinese New Year

Very nice game of Spot the Difference.

 

I remember playing the Viridian Room many years ago but not the others. I was oddly pleased when I was able to finish both the Crimson Room and the White Room… but somehow I wasn’t able to solve the Viridian Room… maybe another day.

 

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Looking for work… and I came across the term “sperm donor” and automatically the first thing that came up to my head was “hmm, what do they look for in a sperm donor?” and Then realized my mistake @@.

 

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I should have asked my grandma to give me all the leftovers, so I won’t have to live on cereal… she cooked enough to feed a whole army, and the only people who were there to eat were my parents and I… my dad didn’t eat a lot, and I didn’t want to disappoint my grandma and waste her fine cooking… I guess I was trying to make up for my dad’s poor appetite and that there were only three of us there, so I ate to the point, quoting Steven: “enough to become pregnant” @@.

 

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Chinese New Year … I guess it’s just natural for my family not to do anything except stay home and sleep late (hmm come to think of it, my whole family is big in sleeping… so I’m not the odd one after all). This time of the year is worse… after surviving Christmas and New Year, there’s always Chinese New Year to look forward to… which no matter how you see it, it’s always a family thing.

 

Usually times like these, Vincent and Steven would be around to bear the pain with. The first day of CNY, when my grandmother (my father’s side) was still with us, we would go to her place, attempt to make grandmother look up or grunt by saying new year blessings, and hang for a few hours with our cousins before someone calls our mobile and say that dinner’s ready, which by then we’ve already had a McDonald meal down. Second day, we go to our other grandma’s place for a nice homemade lunch… in the evening I would half force Vincent and Steven to agree to order pizza, buy several VCDs and spend the whole night watching movies…

 

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This year… since many of our family members are not in HK, on the first day of CNY I went to see my grandma (my mom’s side) with my parents… I, once again, was unable to act maturely (i.e. attempt to smile and talk) because once again I was let down; my mom said I should be able to go live in Sheung Wan by CNY, i.e. I can have hot showers…

 

I don’t like that even though I know my mom can do nothing to help, I still can’t bring myself to talk to her. Sigh. I’m being childish… usually it takes only an hour or two for me to get over myself. But this time, give me a week or two, just to be safe.

 

I got to the conclusion that whatever promises my mom makes regarding the move are not to be trusted. Now that I’m full and still warm, I decided since February is just a few days away… if I can cope with the cold for another two months, it will turn warm again in April, then regardless of my applications to art schools and company, I’m leaving in mid June (I might take GRE in June…), unless I have bagged a job offer in HK.

 

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The colder it gets, the more I eat. I liked the fact that my face is fuller now cos of the many comments from friends on how hallow my cheeks are. The problem is, I kind of need to slim down soon because I have this show in two weeks, which I’m still not sure what’s it all about yet… but I don’t want to embarrass myself since I don’t think the others dancers are exactly friendly @@.

 

But the craving for chocolate food is still so strong ^^… I went out to sushi and ice cream (Haagen-Dazs four scoops for the price of two, too hard to resist ^^) with Janette today (third day of CNY); going to have hot pot with Cass and Elaine tomorrow; Barbeque to celebrate Jojo’s birthday with many dancing pals on Saturday (a day after hot pot)… I always feel so content and happy with a full stomach, but the timing is terrible… just as well, anyone wants to go out for a buffet lunch on Friday ^^? Oh maybe I should ask Molly and Jason and Pandora, hehehehehe…

 

Oh no wait, I promised to go to my cousin’s grandma’s birthday dinner on Friday… okay, so I’ll leave the buffet plan till later…

 

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CNY, all the studios are closed. Been so restless lately when I’m home at night I jump up and down in my room and swing my arms and legs around so vigorously I’m pretty sure the people who can see me from my window would have me committed to a asylum if they care enough to call 999 @@. But after I was done shaking I laughed at myself, thinking how nice it is to act like a kid, when no one is there to see. Probably didn’t do enough of that when I was younger… go figures.

 

Time for Random stuff

First week of school; I didn’t expect to have so much time in hands, so I’m enjoying my time by writing random silly stuff ^^.

 

Random stuff (very very random):

1. Yesterday in Management Accounting class (core course), we watched and heard a big bug Screeching to its death (while the lecturer was telling us the Enron case). It wasn’t near enough for me to actually see what it was (you could guess how loud the screeches were), but enough to see it was big for an insect; at least a 1 cm cube.

 

The screeches were disturbing in a way it gave me goose bumps @@

 

When it stopped screeching I guess either it gave up crying for help (it has to be calling out for its friends, surely not us Humans @@), or it just died, just like that.

 

2. School ended at 12:30 yesterday, so I was able to buy groceries and fresh fruit in the afternoon (I’m going to get scurvy real soon, explain later). Blueberries and Strawberries were really cheap ($10 per pack @@) so I got two packs for blueberries (good for the eyes) and a pack of strawberries (never really liked them, but $10 is worth trying them out again to see why people like it so much).

 

I got back home, wash them thoroughly, feeling randomly content because they smelt and look very pretty and nice (the red and blue purple in a white porcelain bowl under daylight ^^~). Thought of taking pictures but decided I never had this habit of taking photos of food (like many girls @@), so not going to start now.

 

Eventually I got to the conclusion: Strawberries are like coffee (to me). They look and smell very nice (a cup of coffee can look very comforting); I like food with those two favors, but not the actual product.

 

3. Now I can polish off a big bowl of rice and chicken with orange juice, and then half an hour later I’d be munching peanut butter and jelly sandwiches… I wasn’t kidding when I said I was eating non-stop. Most of the time I wasn’t actually hungry, but I just wanted to fill myself up and feel full, if that makes any sense. The thing that bothered me, is that I’m not eating stuff that deserves the extra guilt. It’s too cold for me to cook, so most of the time it’s just sandwiches, crackers and cereal. But then I’m also starting to buy brownies, ice cream, cheesecake and chocolate milk (suddenly addicted to it, help!) more often than I would before @@.

 

I have no “senses” when it comes to food. I can drink a few sips of soya milk before pouring the whole carton down the toilet because it turned bad; I was half way finished with my bowl of noodles until I start to wonder why were they so soggy and trying to remember if they usually tasted like that (yes it turned bad too and I threw it away only because I decided I didn’t want to risk food poisoning…).

 

Not to mention, when the time comes where I won’t have enough sleep, I tend to choke (a lot) while eating… Wasn’t “Eating” an ability that you’re born with? God knows how I get to mess myself up like that.

 

Just to think my grandma was shocked when I told her I don’t know how to distinguish a fresh fish or an old one by taste @@. I’d probably swallow anything as long as someone promises it’s edible…

 

4. I had to format my computer Again. I suspect that there are viruses because it shouldn’t be so slow and clicking the browser icon shouldn’t result into hundreds of windows displayed as if you’ve just won a game of Solitaire. So I spend a good few hours to clean my computer and my room. I found so many small “treasures” I had when I was young, like tiny colorful stickers, sticker pics with friends, rubber balls, marbles, tiny seashells, letters, postcards… etc. When I move I’ll have to get a big box to store everything…

 

5. I’m trying to use up all the skin/beauty samples I have… I keep on throwing the old ones away but somehow I always manage to get more stuff @@. Not to mention for some weird reason people gave me stuff with a rose scent for Xmas @@. I’ve even got rose perfume; I’ve stopped wearing perfume after high school @@… and maybe I should put a little bit more effort? I guess that means this year I’d be smelling like roses @@.

 

6. Is it okay if I miss my own baking? Haha… anyone out there misses them too? Again I promise I’ll bake again when I move @@.

 

7. There’s this thing that our grandmas (and probably moms too) say about we wouldn’t wash our hair at night because the cold wet hair gives you a headache. Yes the cold does give you headaches, but only if you keep on pouring extremely cold water on your head, or when you try leaving your hair dry naturally. Honestly if by Chinese New Year I still don’t get to move, I’ll… I will… start some serious complaining… sigh.

 

8. Still awfully restless… but still tired.

 

9. Don’t really want to update both wordpress and xanga (and you get to read this in facebook too @@ come to think of it, why do I expose myself like this?)… got to learn CSS soon… and mandarin… and investment… and I need to read more about news…

 

So maybe I don’t have so much time after all @@.

Money, money, money ($_$)

Is it because I’m someone you thought, or you still think that can make you look good? So that’s why you always subconsciously or even intentionally make me look bad?

 

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The reasoning behind my “Dancing” is once again confusing.

 

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I am trying to save ($, what else, Planet Earth?) as well as losing weight. But my plan right now is to Not Faint.

 

It’s not because I’m trying to lose weight by not eating, but I’m trying to save by not buying lunch at school. So instead I bought enough bread for the whole day. With only around $15 I can have enough to eat for breakfast lunch and dinner (or tea, if I’m hungry). Dinner would sometimes be soup with some tofu, vegetables, meat…etc.

 

The problem is, the only thing that I consume during day time that is above room temperature is water (or tea, occasionally). People are telling me that I’m not getting enough nutrition from my current diet. Probably that’s why I’m always tired these few months and even started to faint recently.

 

Anyway, my bank account is terrifying. If I’m not careful I won’t even have enough to pay for my bus ride back to school.

想吃

今早和 Jojo 練 showcase 的 routine.

感覺怪怪的. 像是退步了吧.

而且我真的要努力減肥…

但這陣子胃口太好了, 又好甜的…

Sushi, Pizza, McDonalds…etc

Ice Cream, Cheesecake, Apple Pie, Chocolate… etc

呀! 太多想吃的東西了!