Communication is hard.

On Thursday night, Cass Elaine and Apple came over to Sheung Wan to have “women talk” as ever since Apple came back from London the four of us haven’t really hang out together. Originally I thought it was just dinner and they coming up to see my new place (so they will know if it’s possible to host thanksgiving dinner here on the floor). It was only later that evening did I know they were planning to stay over for the night (and I had no cushions or pillows to make them feel comfy…), but everything worked out itself.

 

They had fun marveling how weird (and big) my place is, how it’s more like an office than a residence; how almost everything edible was expired (I didn’t let them know I threw away cans of soup because they’ve expired for a few years too…); how I had jars of peanut butter and very little food around the apartment; how my clothes were all on the floor because there were no furniture… etc.

 

We were talking about high school; both Apple and I studied in TIC for seven years, Cass and Elaine for two; Apple and I were classmates for two years, had the same art classes with Cass for the two last years, and none with Elaine. We just found out that Elaine and Cass, as two people from somewhere else, found the way TIC people think odd. We might land on the same conclusions sometimes, but turns out the way our minds work are very different from other people… which I guess is something I (and Apple) would never understand why.

 

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The night progressed. Things got emotional. Just this morning Edith made fun of me when she correctly predicted that I would sound as neutral as possible when it comes to people, and that night when we were talking about Apple’s year in London and the “quiet dispute” between her, Edith and some others I also tried not to take sides. It was difficult because I understood both of them in different ways; I knew how Edith operates, the hidden messages in her words, or how she deals with people, whilst I knew how Apple thinks and rationalizes things. Both are my dearest friends and now the argument was why didn’t they “communicate” in a straightforward manner. The funny thing was, what was Straightforward to one wasn’t to another.

 

As I’ve realized our behavior or our modes of thinking don’t really change or mature over time; refined, maybe, but rarely do change, especially after I’ve read my diary eight years ago (a month worth of entries can contain so much…). It wasn’t only me, but apparently my friends still possessed the same behavioral patterns or idiosyncrasies eight years ago. I knew Edith for ten years (OMG ten years??!?!) and we used to be frenemies – every now and then we get into small quarrels, then occasionally a big dramatic fight and later make up. The way we communicated were through various metaphors, stories even, analogies, puns… anything short of Straightforward. We were civil to each other face to face, doing nothing out of ordinary, but at times talking in “codes” or just good old sarcasm; the more obvious moves were our “statuses”, names, infos on ICQ and blogs. After a few years later when I looked back at some of the stuff we wrote to each other (I saved a copy of almost everything digital…) and it appeared to me that we were arguing completely different things, despite everything making sense at the time.

 

Now that we’re older and supposedly wiser, we don’t do that anymore (actually I think it’s because of the lack of opportunity). However, whenever I talk to her or anyone that we used to hang out with, I read into their words more than others would have in certain contexts, especially when we were all so used to talk in a sarcastic manner. That was how we communicate, and therefore often confusing many others. And that was how Apple got confused and the whole big mess started.  She wasn’t used to that particular mode of communication and therefore had no idea she was in a midst of a fight when it was “obvious” to other people.

 

While Cass and Elaine were trying to make Apple see things their way in order for her to understand exactly what she has got herself into (though all three of us acknowledge the fact that both parties were at fault and no one was guilt free), I found myself deciding that immediate confrontations/communication is not always good. I told them that, exactly, about how it was between me and Apple right after the student union gig. We could hardly address one another without being vividly angry / irritated. It was after things cooled down, we avoided directly working with each other for awhile and things started to improve. The cooling down took almost two years. I didn’t know about Apple but I blatantly avoided talking about the year we had to work together in the student union because I wasn’t ready to talk about it nor did I believe she was either. Just recently, four to five years later (@@ why does everything take so long?!?!), I carefully tiptoed around the subject and most of the problems we had are finally resolved. So there are times you need to wait before talking it over with someone else; there are some things to be handled delicately. I wasn’t sure if this is one of the occasions, but if it is anything as serious as the others were making it out to be, then probably they should give it more time.

 

The next morning, Apple walked me to work and she told me her thoughts on the whole situation. There are certain people she knows she can really communicate without getting out of her way to find words to express certain things, because they get her (one of them is me, yay!). I told her, that Tannessa and I have that too, and when we were in school , we would just look at each other, smile, and went on doing whatever we were doing because we’ve already “communicated” with just our facial expressions (which was so often and out in the open that it weirded the guy in between us out). Also there were also times when we barely needed to complete our sentences and we knew what each other was thinking (actually I think they weren’t sentences… all there were, were exclamations and various snorts and grunts). Having that with someone is great, but that (at the very least to me) spoiled me, as I no longer need to word exactly what I think or how I feel. I don’t even have to use nouns or verbs in dialogues anymore. With Apple, our values and ways of thinking are very similar, allowing abstract concepts to be effectively, if not efficiently shared. However, that’s probably not the mode of communication we should depend on with other people.

 

At the risk of stating the obvious, communication is hard; and we can’t help witnessing it all too often.

 

Getting over “5 years ago…”.

Understand my empathy comes from past experiences, and my incredible over-exercised imagination.

 

It’s weird and almost narcissistic really, the way I empathize; experiencing and seeing what others are facing by imagining myself facing the same scenarios, and the pain feels very real.

 

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I rarely talk about it in front of those who were involved five years old. I’m saying this now is because what I see is happening to my friends reminded me what it was like back then. I was fortunate to get off it relatively unharmed, but it still bothers me up to this day. I’m going to a new stage of my life real soon, and I want to face my past properly… one thing at a time.

 

Five years ago we were running for the student union together in TIC. It was one of the worst years I had in high school, for many reasons. I don’t know if it was because it has been such a long time ago, or my great ability of forgetting bad memories that I couldn’t recall even half of the stuff that has happened.

 

I knew from the start that ability-wise I wasn’t ready to take the lead yet. I didn’t look the part, didn’t talk like the part and didn’t act like the part. I lacked the experience and confidence people look for in leaders. People I worked with included some of my dearest friends, and it hurt me when during that period I couldn’t talk to them at all, without feeling that everything I said would be used against me.

 

I wasn’t one to speak eloquently, and during that time whenever I said something, someone will immediately correct my mistake, even when I thought wasn’t necessary. I remember thinking that was the way I always spoke, so why they didn’t correct me before, but instead stating out my grammatical mistakes, or my wrong usage of vocabulary at moments when I was trying to appear strong and firm. As time goes by I was no longer able to see all these as their way of helping me into becoming a better leader; eventually I saw all of it as attacks against me, trying to make me appear that I was always wrong. I saw all of it as attempts of demonstrating how unfit I was to lead. I felt that they didn’t respect me as a leader or as a friend. I didn’t have the confidence in myself to take those criticisms with an open mind, but rather I took things too seriously and personally.

 

I remember being defensive because whenever someone questioned my thoughts or decisions, I saw all those as challenges. I felt as if no one trusted my judgment. Since I didn’t see how I could explain my decisions without being doubted, at a point I stopped explaining myself anymore after a month or two working with my partners. I believed I was right in many things but since I didn’t explain anything no one understood what was going on inside my head and saw it as stubbornness and unwilling to listen to other opinions. It Was difficult trying to take in what everyone has to say when tempers were risen. Some giving off sarcastic remarks, me automatically putting on my poker face and speaking in a monotone when I’m trying to be calm.

 

I remembered a dialogue with Mr. Tang one day after school when we ran into each other. He asked if I was alright. Obviously caught off-guard by such a question, I said I was okay and asked him what prompted the question. He said when he met me in form 4 I was this very serious girl (understandable. Compared to some of my classmates, I’m not surprised he got that conclusion), but now when he sees me, my seriousness was replaced by an aura of sadness. I didn’t know what was worse, someone noticed or that he brought it up to my attention because I didn’t really notice myself.

 

Even for one who was used to being alone and has coped all through life, the extreme feeling of loneliness was strong enough to drive me to a jerk who didn’t give a damn about me but happened to pay me a little bit more attention; we had nothing in common and I couldn’t remember anything I liked about him. I didn’t regret what I did; I regret who I chose to have that memory with (if it made sense). I remember yearning for warmth and comfort, and allowed myself to believe in the illusion that it was more than us using each other to get what we want. The next night I cried on my way home because I didn’t know what I did, by “taking a break” would manage to magnify the loneliness.

 

I remember making mistakes but it seems like no one was understanding nor forgiving. I thought my friends who knew me for so long would understand what I was dealing with and the pressure I was going through. I was basically fighting a one-man war for reasons I couldn’t even remember. I couldn’t talk to my friends anymore without being guarded; people spreading accusations and no one cared enough to see for themselves if all that were said were true.

 

Up to this day it appears that some of them still think that they did my work for me. Honestly even it is way in the past it still hurts and the unfairness reeks. I consulted a person often is because she was more experienced, therefore I had to double check to see if I missed out anything. I thought it was consulting, whilst she probably thought she made those decisions for me. It was a hard time for everyone in the committee and everyone did their share. I would have thought time and experience in leading would make her understand what I’ve been through.

 

Being a leader means being the first to be blame whenever something goes wrong, and that’s basically every time, because when does anything goes according to plan? No one sees what you’ve done and what you have to give up in order to have the job finished. After such experience I grew more empathetic; especially those leaders we see everyday, no matter how big or small their influences are, no matter how they did their job, it’s still not easy to be a leader because arrows come from every direction possible and you can never make everyone happy.

 

If you ask me, with everything considered, I think I did a decent job that year. Maybe not now, but soon I’ll be ready to take the lead again. I might not look strong and tall with a solid voice, nor blessed with natural charisma that good leaders have… but I learn from my experiences, so call me stubborn, even against the odds I’m still determined to get there.

 

 

 

Olympics… not as excepted

Yesterday I had a rehearsal in Shatin race course at 8:00, so I had breakfast/lunch/tea/dinner/dessert in TST with Ching. Then Jojo meet up with us, had McDonalds and because she had to go to the restroom and I had to change so we headed to the studio. It was so crowded, with Pauline, Wendy, Nicole, Johnny, Leung, Sai Gag, SinC…etc. Everyone was talking and joking around … generally hanging out and wait for their class. When Jojo and I left for Shatin, we didn’t want to leave the studio because it felt so nice and warm and friendly… which might not be often.

So the rehearsal went okay… all I need to do is to come up with a way to keep my hair out of my face. Got back at home at 1:00, showered and turned on the computer and ended up sleeping at around 3:30. I woke up this afternoon at 12:30.

Well, yesterday before bed, I read a fellow dance mate’s blog. It terrified me when I saw that all of her entries (at least the first 10 pages) were all about dancing, all about the instructors, their conversations… @@ The only question that popped up in my mind was “Does she have a life, apart from dancing?”.

Am I her? Was I her? It’s just all so sad.

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Okay, maybe it would be better if I explain what I’m going through in August.

Jojo’s former instructor needed to find people to dance in the Olympic event held in Hong Kong, which is horseracing. He wasn’t sure if his application would be approved and so he asked if Jojo or any of her friends were interested. So, for experience sake, I did apply.

Then a few weeks ago Jojo got a call from the instructor and gave us the dates we were suppose to perform. At first, Jojo and I thought it was only going to be a one day thing. Then we quickly learnt that it was a 10-Day-12-performance thing, and two of them are before dawn, like 4:00 AM in the morning. The afternoon shows are at 4:45 PM… All of the performances last for 3 hours. What we have to do, is to bring out the five Olympic Mascots and walk around the stadium, wave and smile, “play” with the mascots, and “dance” a bit. Jojo would only work on Saturdays and Sundays, while I do that everyday to the two weeks starting 9/8.

We had an “interview”; a “casting session”. Initially Jojo and I wanted to get out of it because of the unusual hours and long periods of time. But because the instructor said he really needed the people and only the ones who have already applied and sent their application to Beijing can work, therefore we cannot find anyone to substitute us. So we thought everyone who went to the “casting” would be accepted immediately because there was simply not enough people @@.

However we’ve learnt that it wasn’t the case, and that, along with us, there are several girls who were picked not only Never had any performing experience but they’ve never Danced before. The woman who was in charge told us they were looking for a certain look and that all of us had this look they were seeking. That made Jojo pissed off because those girls looked so young, so much like regular high school students, so like amateurs… Well, if you ask me, I feel a lot better with them than with the other “dancers”. I sincerely don’t like dancers very much. That’s why I don’t consider myself one of them @@.

Then there was this training session. We had to be in Shatin at 10:00 AM till 1:00 PM and be trained by an APA trainer. First Jojo and I expected the training would be time well spent. We were greatly disappointed. The trainer had us calling out our own names, running laps, hold fake concerts and pretending to be superstars and sing… etc. It was stupid and honestly I’ve learnt Nothing from it. If I can I would do anything within my power Not to attend the training part two…

The whole Olympic performing thing, it was suppose to be special, it was suppose to be so meaningful… but if the public knew about the casting, about the performers… the whole process was so unprofessional. Even the security was unprofessional, because I think those guards don’t really believe that there would be an attack… I guess Hong Kong isn’t ready for this kind of an international event.

Fourth Day and The Final Day!!!!!

Thank you so much for wishing me good show~~

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Felt sick today. I went to Grandma’s place and get to eat really salty congee and turnip cake (@@…). I got to see my mom’s old family albums. We have no resemblance whatsoever.

Then I went to practice with the crew. I was tired, sick, sleepy and annoyed all at the same time. I can’t keep on being such a pain whenever we practice…

Fourth Day of rehearsal:
Bo said I still mess up the routine, and that I don’t have to practice his cos I’ve got it down and so I should just practice Yiu’s part instead. Then he asked Natasha to teach me and helped me all the way.

Then Bo had a small talk with Franco, Frankie, Fat Boy and me. He said that he was the one who got us in the show. Many people are wondering why we are here because there are plenty of people more talented, prettier, younger, taller, thinner (okay I’m starting to make things up) and it’s all because he wanted to give us a chance. He said he doesn’t want this to be the last show we are in. We will make him lose face (and all that)…etc. He said we should be hardworking and keep on working on the dance even if people are sitting around.

I took that seriously and ending up getting sick of the routine. My part isn’t long enough to keep me from being bored.

We start at 6:30 and leave at 8:30.

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Final day: I fucked up the routine. Funny thing is that I messed up Bo’s routine instead of Yiu’s. The difference between this show and AP:
1. I have to pay for the lesson to learn the routine for the AP, whereas this show I have to stay late in the studio.
2. The time spent on rehearsing and learning is a lot shorter than AP.
3. You won’t get to know the people you’re dancing with. You don’t get to make friends.
4. I guess other than Dancing itself, you’re not expected to enjoy anything else, like jokes.
5. If you’re not good enough, you are reminded constantly, not by the instructors but by peers.

That day we had dinner with most of the dancers (19 in total, 15 had dinner together). There was kind of a moment where there weren’t enough seats so Jojo, Franco and I decided to sit elsewhere. I felt it was okay because I have no urge to blend in. Dunno about Jojo and Franco though (in fact I think he was a bit upset). However eventually we all did sit together, just that we listen politely to what the others are saying @@.

This is probably is my last show with IDS (because I sucked through the whole process), so I guess it’s always good experience.