Complains and Friends

Finally I have some time to write @@… I should be studying; I should be practicing, but hell I just want to Write. I have so much to put down here…

 

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Last day of teaching was last Friday, but reports, projects, papers and presentations are still due. For the past two weeks I’ve been in this sick, cold, sleep-deprived and stressful state that I’ve broke down while on the phone with my mom, and while skyping my brothers. Seriously I scared my brothers, haha.

 

Actually I stopped complaining to my mom on purpose. Only, in the past two weeks, I called my mom twice and told her I can’t take it anymore, listened to her “explaining”, then hang up, and started to sob. Then when I see her on Sunday with my grandma, I really had nothing to say to her, so I just didn’t make conversation. I had on my poker face, which to my mom is my sulking face, therefore starting her scolding. My argument? I’m sick and tired; I just don’t want to talk; In what way did I pick up a fight? By being quiet?

 

My mom said I complain too much about the no-hot-water situation I’m in; that I’d never truly endured any hardship (i.e. I’m spoiled), she told me on and on that we can’t put pressure on my dad… etc. I was making things difficult; I’m a University student, she shouldn’t have to baby sit me and help me think of ways of “solving” this problem. She offered to pay for gym memberships, or taxi so I could go somewhere else to shower. Problem: No time (and a waste of money). Probably if she gave me the money (I declined the offer), she would have successfully shut me up and I would have saved the money, and cry in the showers instead @@. (I’m desperately scared of having no money, and that is getting worse… I wonder why.)

 

I’m not making things difficult, am I? I can’t afford wasting two hours getting there and back because of a 15 min shower; the stove doesn’t work, I only have this tiny electric kettle and if I try to boil enough water to fill the tub, it’d probably turned cold anyway… Every time I decided to bear with it, I change my mind when I turn on the tap. There were times I stepped out of the bathtub, thinking I can’t do it, and jumping back in again because I Can’t Not Shower.

 

But I do hate people who keep on complaining. I admit it sounds stupid to Cry or fuss over cold showers. So okay, I’ll try to stop Complaining; I’ll try to wear a smile on my face 24/7.

 

And wait for somebody to send me to the psych ward, or maybe to a microwave so I could defrost?

 

Okay I’ll try…

 

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I’ve met this new friend, Adrian, an exchange student from school (Surprise, in many ways @@). One time we were talking about friends and who do we turn to when things gets difficult. Later on, I realized I was in trouble. Because in our conversations, I had to think and word out how I do things, and how my life works… and after I put everything into words, I’ve found out how I trained Myself to be alone. To be alone, everything is constant and set. You’re safer that way. It’s depressing, but it’s true and right now, it still works for me.

 

I have no problem sharing my thoughts or feelings or anything. But every time when a person grows on me, I immediately stop myself from being too attached. There are so many reasons: first I’m constantly aware of whether I’m bothering someone too much, if I’m too clingy or just plain annoying. After that I always think at one point, for whatever reason, they’re going to leave me. Then, at last, I sometimes don’t understand or think I’m worthy or deserve the attention; I don’t know what they see in me.

 

I see my friends and I have pretty much a good idea why I like having them as company or what made them attractive. Why do they want to hang out with me? Probably it’s also because I have a pretty clear idea of what my worst qualities are. I constantly ask why do I have friends? Good friends, in particular? I seem to be a terrible person in front of my mom or dad… If I’m anyway like my dad, probably I’m a difficult person to be with. So, Why?

Sorry, it’s just me, sulking.

我也不想的,

只是有些時候, 孤軍作戰的感覺太深,

無法想起還有, 還有,

 

還有…

 

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It took me some while to realize that some part of my dreams will never come true, and it hurts. Like the fact I not going back, at least not in these few years. Looking at how I live, how I dress, how I act… not only to me, but to my father: I’m just a big disappointment.

 

I can’t help repeating the moans and groans because they never stopped. To an extend I cannot trust myself to speak. All day long I feel guilty – at school and not in the office; in the office and not at school; not sticking on my diet; dressing like a failure; walking like I don’t want to live; using money.

 

Everyday I see my parents slaving away in the office, growing older and older, the government being more difficult for our industry, it makes me guilty because when I’m in school, someone does my work for me. If I skip school, I can barely have lunch in the office, not to mention revising. Going to school makes me remember how simply not being around adds the workload to my mom and dad. I hate it when I see that even my parents hire so many people, they can’t help out at all. As my dad said, my priority is now work, not school.

 

He has serious illusions of how University life can be… doesn’t he? I see friends from college, they are having the time of their lives. They love school, everything is going swell for them… why it’s not like that for me?

 

All my work are simple tasks, but the funny thing is, my mom said no one they hired can do it…. either they are retarded or I’m a fucking genius, which I’m so fucking not.

 

I spend too much in dancing and I know it. If I don’t go, my life would be a hell lot easier. But then, one can argue that if I only need to keep either my job or study, life goes pretty well. The sad fact is the only place I relax now is in the studio, because it’s like time stops when I get there and I don’t have to worry anything life-threatening there. Oh sure, there’s the Trainee Gang, where some can be extremely irritating, but it’s still better than school.

 

Everyday my dad tells me how soon we will have to close business, how tired he is and he can’t go on for long… what can I do? He thinks it’s a must to graduate. He thinks as long I graduate someone will hire me because I’m from some famous-local-U. I can’t tell them I have too much work because they have a way lot more and who am I to complain?

 

School work… the more I go to school the more I hate it. And I’m not the kind of person who hates school.

 

Now whenever I see some of my old mates, I have no patience for them. In a way I hate them, because they can never understand what I’m going through. To them, everything I say is trivial. When I listen to them, but I’d rather be at work because all I hear is talk that I can’t help feeling childish of. Just “sharing” the same conversation makes me feel I’m wasting me time. All people want is someone to listen, but I’m sorry, Jennifer has enough problems to worry about. I feel as if I don’t want to talk to you anymore, I don’t want to see you. Now that I’m no longer useful, then just leave me alone, as you always do when there’s someone better coming by.

 

I just need a place to talk. This is it, sorry.

Hallo World

Joke of the month:

 

Ever since A-levels I always felt my eyes have gone all weird; itchy and teary, dried up and tired. When I got to year 1, I paid $200 to have my eyes checked. The doctor (don’t know the terminology for “eye doctor”) said I’m short-sighted (big surprise here) and astigmatic (I have to check this yahoo.hk to get this word.) He said that since I’m already nearly 20 it is unlikely that my eyes will deteriorate much further, if I don’t stare at the computer or TV much (O-kay…). He did, however, recommend glasses (that, perhaps is because his clinic sells them).

 

My eyes are as bad as ever, if not worst. So when Steven said he needs a new pair of glasses (Chinese New Year Week), I also went to those optical shops to have a look. It turns out that Vincent and Steven both needed new glasses… and my mom kept on asking for a better discount if I buy one as well… I did find it a hard time to focus on stuff, thinking that looking at things uses up too much i-power.

 

Eventually I paid $1600 for a pair of eye-glasses (brand-name thing… don’t ask. The sales kept on saying that girls nowadays refuse to buy anything with a signature on it. I never knew how well he understands me). So after a few days I picked them up.

 

Vincent once said that before he wore his first pair of glasses he never saw the world ever so clear (a long time ago he scared me to death by saying that).

 

So I tried it on, and my first impression was: oh shit.

 

The world was exactly the same before and after I had them on.

 

After note: Well, it seems that I wasn’t short-sighted enough to need glasses (no joke). It did help me focus… in way, the stuff that used to be grey is now black with a sharper edge. It protects me from the UV-light-whatever emitted from computer screens. So now I guess I have to wear them at least 1600 times in front of the screen. It does seem to help me not to feel so tired when staring at the screen…

 

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It has been some time since I last wrote, but no harm done. If it wasn’t because I’m determine to skip school tomorrow I won’t even bother to write.

 

I have finally decided that University life is not for me. I have told my mom that I wanted to quit.

 

“Literally” I said. “I mean it.”

 

Then all she had to say is “Tell your dad” that made me start thinking again (haha). Anyway I don’t think I’m up for the fourth year, second-degree thing. To be honest here I don’t know if I can manage not getting expelled, since I stopped handing in homework. I am also starting exercising – skipping lessons.

 

It’s been fun, being me. I mean, I have a place to sleep and food to eat. My parents are still legally married (the fact that I got parents goes unsaid). I’m in this great brand-name university where people keeps on telling me either I must be good or skin-deep. I’m not (proven) mentally sick/weak. I have healthy skin (I guess). I’ve got all my limbs. What more can I ask for?

 

My parents are getting older and they are having a hard time keeping the office running. I spend most of my time there, helping out. I’m not going to get good grades anyway, and unless I put all my hours into school work, I can’t catch up. Even if it was up to me, I won’t quit my job because I need the money and I guess my parents need me there. Steven seems to be a lot happier when I’m there to keep him company…

 

I hate that fact that every time when I talk to someone or write anything here, it’s always about how bad my life is when it Isn’t. I hate it when I can’t just make myself feel happier and optimistic when I see ugly things. Now I have to pretend that I enjoy myself or at least amused when in fact I’m bored to death at what people talk about. I’m the someone who listens, kills time. Being tangible is an asset because when someone speaks to me, others won’t know that they are actually holding a two-side conversation with a being equivalent to imaginary i.

 

I no longer read. I no longer write. I… I don’t know.

 

Homework:

Prove that Jennifer exists.

Prove that is better to be blind that to be sensitive.

Prove that feeling indifferent is better than feeling like shit.

Prove that it’s simple to make me cry.

 

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Not wanting to die does not necessarily mean wanting to live.

 

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Usually I would cry “save me” or “help”.

 

Once again, I’m not disappointed.

 

I just quit waiting.

It’s just me, moaning and groaning.

This entry is all moan-and-groan. Do not read because this is unbelievably boring. You have been warned.

 

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What is wrong with me?

 

I lost my will to live; that’s what.

 

It has been a more than month since school starts. I do not like school as much as I should or would like to; I cannot recognize it as “my school”. I’m having a hard time trying to catch up with all my work. My loner status is starting to get into my nerves. I’m trying to make a balance between school work, money paying work and dance, where in all three I’m not improving much. All I want to do nowadays is to hit bed and stay dead. How pathetic a very-single, 19-year old girl could be?