Cursed and Blinded 的女孩子 – III

我是一個很坦白的人, 我不怕別人不喜歡我的意見,

但我原來極怕當我把自己表露無唯的時候, 會令人生氣, 令人不喜歡我

*****

 

就是我的坦白, 令我提起我還沒辦法相信他真的喜歡我 (兩天後).

結果令他發怒. 最糟的是我也明白為什麼他會生氣.

他問我想他怎樣証明我才能相信.

我告訴他, 他無法証明, 我也不需要他証明, 因為這是我自身的問題.

我沒告訴他, 因為我入毒太深, 無法相信別人會對我有朋友以外的情愛.

有一晚我突然叫他不要找我, 他又生氣…

我後來解釋因為我怕他累, 而且只會見一個小時, 所以還是不要來.

他無奈的說: 你, 真的不知道我真的喜歡你呀…

 

約了返學校, 在他的實驗室溫書 ( 溫電腦科… ><: ).

只有我們兩人, 所以他播歌伴我們溫書.

聽到一首歌, 他感觸了, 就突然擁我入懷, 說他需要一個擁抱.

他頭痛, 拉了幾把椅, 把頭躺在我的大腿上歇息.

我笑想, 小時候我的弟弟們不舒服的時候, 我也會讓他們躺在我的大腿上.

我想, 或許我當姐姐當朋友會更稱職呢.

至少我會較多機會給他他缺乏了的家庭溫暖;

較多機會可以照顧他.

 

我溫電腦科溫得很慢… 他在我每溫完兩三份筆記, 就考我舊試卷的問題.

唉, 不知道為什麼, 我不想他知道我是多麼的笨, 多麼的不聰明.

我不想令人對我失去耐性… 從而在他身邊我產生了無形的壓力.

加上, 從我知道他喜歡我後, 在他身旁我的腦不能正常運作.

我對這樣的改變感到很不舒服…

再加上, 他喜歡我是因為我的奇怪腦, 所以它更加不可突然給我休工…

( 他不斷告訴我他不看女生的外表… 我想說, 他很笨.

沒有女生都喜歡別人不欣賞她的外在吧…

而且我的外表, 很差嗎 =__=)

 

我們溫了一整天, 很正經的溫…

所以我不記得為什麼我會再次在摟在他的懷中.

不記得為什麼他會輕吻我的臉.

我只記得我無法再分辨出他哪時是開玩笑, 哪時是認真.

我只記得當他吻我的臉的時候, 我會覺得在他心中, 我是珍貴的.

我記得我會回校溫書大部分的原因, 是這樣我會有機會再次找到自己在他的懷裡…

 

我們下午考試, 早上一起在學校溫書, 之後一起去各自的試場.

因為他的那個試給他很有壓力, 他晚上會和朋友們喝酒.

他問我去不去, 我因為怕去了不懂應酬, 不太會喝酒,

更不想要他照顧我, 害他沒法玩得開心.

所以婉拒了. 但就是我透露了我怕我去他不會玩得開心, 他又生氣了.

( 我好像不斷透露出我的沒信心, 但是, 這只是我頗了解自己吧. )

 

我發了短訊給他, 說不明白為什麼我們那早上才見面, 現在我已有點掛念他.

我想, 這不是女孩子會坦白告訴男生的吧…

他也回了短訊, 也掛念我, 哈.

收到的時候, 我想這是客套說話嗎? 和一班朋友一起的時候真的會想起我嗎?

第二天, 他和友人遊玩 (“遊玩”這個詞語很久沒用了 @@ ).

發了一個很簡單的短訊給我, 就是他想我.

我問自己, 每次我想我喜歡一個人我都會問自己,

我真的喜歡他, 還是, 我喜歡喜歡他的概念呢.

喜歡他給我的安全感, 喜歡我覺得我真的可以信任他這個人.

我怕自己弄錯自己的感覺, 畢竟我在這方面是一個門外漢.

 

後來他告訴我他的老朋友勸告他不要再碰我, 保持距離.

雖然我明白他老朋友的好意, 不希望我倆會更不捨, 但我有說不出的無奈.

我想像他們的對話是這樣:

“喂, 保持距離呀.”

“哦, 好呀.”

就是這樣簡單容易.

我覺得, 若果保持距離是這樣簡單, 那好, 就這樣做吧.

他問, 大家不是都覺得我們只有少於一個月的時間, 所以還是做朋友最好嗎?

我說, 是他覺得這樣好, 而我沒反對.

我覺得的是, 既然我倆難得遇上, 即使不能長久, 留個美好的回憶也好.

( “不在乎天長地久, 只在乎曾經擁有”嘛. )

 

令我覺得有趣的是, 他會問我我怎樣想.

不只是有客套禮貌的問, 而是問得很仔細, 好像真的想知道我想甚麼.

真的很不習慣, 將我心中所想的用口說出來.

像交不交往, 我會覺得, 都已決定了, 而且只有兩個星期, 所以我的想法不重要吧.

他所做的, 令我有很多的 “不習慣”.

 

他考完試了. 我以為他會找我, 約我.

他會告訴我他約了同學打球, 約朋友乘自行車.

好像暗示, 他很忙.

我也識趣的沒說甚麼.

我只有告訴他我那些時間會有空, 想他若果希望見我就會約我.

 

我記得和他到買行李箱和禮物. 當天我們去了九龍公園坐.

他把玩我的戒指, 說是很美的戒指.

我告訴他, 我的戒指是一個自我提醒.

我要記得, 我不能有希望, 因為去到最後我的希望會變成失望來傷害我.

我要記得, 永遠最後最後我都自己獨個兒面對一切.

可以真正信任的只有自己, 因為別人不會幫助我保護我.

我就是自己的依靠; 我永遠只會是一個人.

我的戒指背後, 就是這些醜陋但現實的教訓.

我只要面對別人, 出門就會把戒指帶上.

 

說到這裡我忍不住掉眼淚了. 人大了, 很少會在別人面前哭.

他取下我的戒指, 不還給我.

一路在街上我拿著他的手, 不斷嘗試把他的手張開,

不斷用中文說 “乖啦, 還我啦.”

那刻, 我第一次想, 若果他明白中文就好了.

因為, 我無法用英文完全傳達中文逗人“乖啦”的意思.

忽然, 我知道原來要真正明白了解我想說的話, 就要中英也會…

哈, 天, 你令我知道自己希望得到甚麼,

知道我想找到那個人, 而且那個人也在找我, 的機會, 很微.

 

逐漸, 我發現自己不由自主的常常望著電話, 看有沒有短訊.

我不喜歡自己在期待他的電話, 他的短訊.

不喜歡只要睡醒, 就會想他, 做甚麼都會想他.

不喜歡我沒了我思想上的自由, 心靈上的自由.

不喜歡別人簡單的行為就能影響我的思緒…

我以為我變貪心了.

我以為可能因為我是女孩子, 所以會不合情理的要別人的注重而自己不知道.

後來發現, 我們還真的是普通朋友時, 差不多每天也會收到他發的短訊.

見面的機會也更多.

我在想, 或許我真的是一個只適合交朋友的人吧.

這樣, 我會輕鬆快樂一點.

 

快聖誕節. 他約我和他的朋友, 他的哥哥可吃飯, 逛街.

我有點無奈. 我亦坦白的告訴他我的苦惱.

為什麼他約我永遠都會有其他人.

為什麼我們只有少於兩個星期的時間, 我們反而見面的次數越來越少.

他問為什麼不是我主動約他, 因為他的前女朋友對他不好, 所有都是他來做主動.

因為我們每次見面, 都會有所發展, 而且很快, 超出了朋友的範圍.

若果我們是普通朋友不是情侶, 又已經沒有課了, 就沒必要這麼常見面, 或只有我倆的節目.

我想說, 我不是他前女朋友, 也是對感情是完全的新手. 不可能要求我一開始就做主動的吧. 這對我也不公平.

我明白他有其他朋友, 所以我沒有再說些甚麼.

我也明白他不希望我們分別的時候會更困難更心痛.

他的道理, 我明白啊.

但我自私的想, 我寧願知道,

我 是還有能力因為別人離開我而心痛.

 

****

我怕因為我是我, 會令人生氣…

就是因為我是我, 改變的不會太多,

所以還是不要害人, 自己一個人就好了.

Looking into 1989.06.04

Suddenly I remember Molly telling me I can never be with a Japanese guy. I asked her why, and she said because she saw how worked up I was when we were working on our history project, regarding WWII, Japanese Occupation in Hong Kong, the Nanjing Massacre.

 

***********

For several months there has been so much commotion in Hong Kong regarding the Incident on the Fourth of June, 1989 at Tiananmen Square, China. I cannot refer it as a “Massacre” yet because this part of history hasn’t been officially recognized; no full records of the actual happenings and the number of deaths is still unclear.

 

I’ve heard several debates and was frustrated; those old politicians who so immediately disregard others’ opinion because they weren’t quick enough to say “the Chinese government are murderers” and attempted to see the whole incident in a different light; those university students who weren’t mature enough to comprehend the views of both government and the people, or simply saw it as another story; the many minutes or even hours arguing on semantics on referring an historical event that has yet to be recognized, let alone put in words.

 

My thoughts, as another simple twenty-two-year-old (I wanted to refer myself as a university graduate, but then university hasn’t helped me form any of my conclusions; don’t want to blame them for my simple ideas).

 

First, I think it is important to look from different perspectives of the two parties involved in the June Fourth Incident in order to understand why certain decisions were made and to make your own judgment. I think enough was said about on how brave those university students were when they openly made their discontent of the current government known out of patriotism, but were repaid by being attacked in the middle of the night by a fully armed army, firing around even though people were already running away from the square, and had military tanks ran over them. What the government did was obviously wrong and cruel and no one deserved it. Nevertheless we should still try to see things from the government’s side. It might not register as a cold-blooded decision to them when they ordered the troops to enter the city.

 

At that moment of history, while Chinese students and civilians all over the world were trying to urge the PRC to reform in terms of politics, market, speech… etc, the Chinese government saw the two-month protest of students as a threat to the normal operations of the country and must be stopped. China, not exactly famous for being open-minded and big about the rights of the people, were not comfortable with such “western” ideas those university students were proposing. Those politicians were old Chinese-father types with an authoritarian complex, and like many Chinese families when dealing children when they were disobedient or step out of the line and the father felt their authority was being threatened, they saw corporal punishment, Fear, was the way to go.

 

If we look back into Chinese history (or basically world history), those in power usually chose to use fastest and easiest way to stop things getting out of hand; they needed a sense of control and naturally saw violence and suppression as the solution to create a momentary stage of “peace”. Even now the world is still using war as a way to getting peace, using weaponry as a way to create a harmonious society… so with the heat up, the top guys in China decided that not only do they have to stop the protests, but they have to create a fear so great that people won’t start things up again.

 

It is crucial to know what was done was nothing new throughout history. Not saying that makes their decisions right, but it makes it understandable and the people involved cannot be entirely put in to blame. We are currently judging history with a modern perspective, which might not be fair; what we see as basic rights today were rare privileges. So what the student body was asking for were quite a lot at that stage. The government saw the protests as a threat to the country’s operation; they cannot see what those university students were doing was just trying to get their voices being heard, out of the love for their country. Those university students did not understand how difficult it is to run a country, were too fast into taking their western counterparts experience as an example and protested for their rights. At the same time, there were no means for the people’s voices to be heard and to be dealt with seriously by the government other than creating a stir.

 

The problem was that the government was too slow into accepting new ideas and were too comfortable into exercising their power to a point that they cannot see what they did was inhumane; the student body was too fast into asking for so many things that were unheard of throughout Chinese history, didn’t take to account that those in power were their grandfathers and fathers who are stubborn and cannot bear their authority to be challenged. Negotiation was not a concept that the older generation grasps well when dealing with the younger generation whom they also believe knows less. One side too stubborn to really listen, another was not yet mature enough to know how to make their dreams realized without being headstrong, and because what they did was out of patriotism and for the good of the country, they thought it is automatically justify what they did. Actions from both sides were understandable but what both did wrong was they thought they knew better; both didn’t recognize the fact that they were dealing with people with emotions and traits, not just the operations of a country.

 

****

 

My mother (and many others) thought people today are wasting their time on demanding the Chinese government to officially address the Tiananmen Square Incident. There were several ideas: 1. People today are dwelling over the past, and did not see the importance of an apology. They say we should see the establishment of China today and focus on the future; 2. the whole world knows about June Fourth someway or any other (because it was broadcasted at that time), and the politicians knew it was wrong and have learnt their lesson;  3. In the past emperors has done terrible stuff, like Qin Shi Huang who unified China and had people build the Great Wall, was responsible of killing everyone who opposed him and burning valuable scrolls and literature. No one has asked him or China to apologize for his actions; 4. China is never going to apologize or make it officially know just because people demand it, so we might just as well accept it and move on.

 

First the past always comes back to you, and we aren’t talking about a person that will die within a hundred years, but a country which unless some maniac decides to destroy the world *cough*, is going to be around for a very long time. Whatever happens to that country moulds it and what to us humans is a decade or two, means only a few microseconds of a country’s life cycle. Looking in the bigger picture, addressing June Fourth is not only doing justice to those who were killed, but also essential to China’s growth. If we let the government go without owning up to its mistakes, hiding its flaws, choosing what it wants to accept as its life story… it’s unhealthy. I’m not looking for a public apology, but don’t treat it as a taboo subject and prosecute anyone who dares to mention it. There are times you can admit you made bad decisions, but that does not necessarily amounts to an apology because maybe you think you did what you had to do under certain circumstances. As I’m not a politician, it’s probably beyond my ability to understand why they didn’t explore other possible solutions to that period of mayhem. My biggest problem is why they want to mess with their history.

 

Regarding the lessons learnt the incident in Tiananmen Square, I see China today has learnt to make any large scale gathering that was not authorized by the officials illegal; it has learnt not to allow anyone to publicly oppose the government’s decisions in case it stirs up something big; the government has learnt to filter information, books, news and everything that may give ideas to their people that their country isn’t perfect. These were the “mistakes” China made, from allowing the protest to start from the first place. Are these the twisted lessons we want China to learn? The difference between Qin Shi Huang and June Fourth, is that what he did were recorded down and learned by every Chinese. Also, he was a monarch, one single being with selfish wants; his grasps of the people dies with him and he probably didn’t know better. Supposedly the formation of a government was to combine the minds of the able and come up with better ways of guiding their country to a better future; a government lives well longer than a king and should be all about serving the country. When several heads came up with the conclusion that the peoples’ voices should be drained by firepower, there is a problem. No one is denying Qin Shi Huang has done great things, but no one is saying he didn’t make mistakes. Why should the PRC government be any different?

 

It has just been 20 years since June Fourth, no one knows the actual facts, and most youngsters today really don’t care about history. Today the world probably has already forgotten about it, leaving only a group of people in Hong Kong, who mostly compose of people over thirty, to remind all Chinese outside China about it, and get the younger generation to care about something they have not experienced so that they can continue to insist June Fourth to be officially recognized. So obviously it isn’t enough to leave this part of history known. If the government doesn’t want people to fabricate the truth and make China look worse than it already is, then take control of the story. I’ve asked this question and turns out I’m not alone, is that if China wants Japan to officially recognize Nanjing Massacre, they should understand and set an example and address June Fourth.

 

So maybe China will never accept it as part of their history, but if Hong Kong people today don’t make a big deal out of it, this in a way is allowing the PRC government to get away with things and I believe any country, not only China, would make a habit out of it if no one complains loudly. Those public mourning, protests and education are necessary if people don’t want to give up all their power to the government, and they should not be regarded as a waste of time. Hong Kong is playing a bigger role in this than people realize, because Hong Kong (and probably Macau) is the only region that belongs to China and is still “allowed” to say something about it (as long as those activist don’t go to Mainland China and has no desire to join the PRC government body).

 

Regarding June Fourth, I thought what happened was almost inevitable; culture played a big part of how has happened and what is happening now, but what’s most important is how we deal with it today. I don’t expect the PRC to apologize for their actions (I think up to now they still think what they did was necessary…), but what I want is them to officially accept what they’ve done, not treat it as a taboo subject and have it officially taught in schools as part of Chinese history. History might be written by those in power and it does not reflect the entire truth, but at the very least the story is known.

 

If the PRC government thought what they did was necessary, then don’t treat it as a shameful tale and try making everyone forget all about it; if they knew what they did was mass murder, then face it. Whether we like it or not, that is going to be part of our history forever and hiding from our past can do us no good. Just because people are pointing out problems of the current situation of their country doesn’t mean they want to overthrow the government; it just means they care and want the country to turn better, not worse.

English and Accents…

 

I checked my IELTS results online yesterday and it turned out ok. I’m not doing this “I’m pretending to be nonchalant about it but really I’m secretly ecstatic inside” act and I don’t want to act ungrateful, which I’m certainly not… but I guess because I know I could have done better right after I finished the papers (I was depending on doing really really well because it is my attempt to make up for my poor performance in school); I thought that after I know the results I’ll stop beating myself up but surprisingly it made things worse. It was like A-Levels again: I don’t really know what I expect, didn’t really know how to judge if I’ve done well or not. People tell me I did pretty well (I got 8 out of 9), but somehow I don’t really feel so. But I know I should be happy (me thinking), so I’m just waiting for my senses to catch up (me feeling).

 

Trying to be sensible (but way too stubborn to let go), I searched for statistics online just to find out last year, for all the universities in Hong Kong, the average overall score was ranging from slightly able 6 to slightly below 7. By academic discipline the range is the same. Frankly I expected more from HKU and CU. I talked to a friend about it and she said Hong Kong people in general don’t have very good English. She mentioned that she heard a HKU scholar speaking in a very strong Hong Kong accent and it didn’t seem/sound right.

 

While having no problem in reading listening and writing, I avoid speaking in English when I was young. My father hating my voice and accent didn’t really help things either. He had me and my brothers read books out loud and we have to use our Diaphragm, we have to have Intonations, we have to Breathe; he had us… (oh this is literally opening a can of worms and I should wait for a better time, i.e. a bad day, then all I need is to recap and immediately nothing seems so bad anymore). Anyway his many ways of telling me I was terrible includes “You sound like a chicken screeching” (I hope it wasn’t a pun, because if it was this is seriously sick…) or “you speak as if you don’t know English” or “you speak like a Hong Kong student”. I remember mentioning the last remark to my class teacher in F.2, and he said something along the lines “why should your accent be such a big deal? As long as you can speak in English it should be enough”. (Ironically my accent changed drastically after my dad wanted to have nothing to do with me @@)

 

I could understand why my father was so frantic about us speaking not like Chinese, because he thinks that no one would take you seriously if you don’t speak like people from an English speaking country. Considering harsh reality and that my father has spend considerably many years there, I could understand and honestly I don’t doubt if that were all true. I remember going to this one week English debate workshop just before university, and I overheard a girl from an international school saying “yea so everyone can do an American accent. If people could they would all be talking in an English accent” (she was speaking in perfect English English…). I was disgusted but didn’t know why.

 

Now with everything, it got me thinking and I have to ask: why is it so important to speak like Americans or the British? Supposedly accents shows where a person came from, or went through. So why do we have to hide that? Why do we have to pretend to be someone else on purpose? Does the French rid their strong accent when they speak in English? Have you ever heard of Americans trying to speak Cantonese or Mandarin in a Chinese accent? I don’t think it’s a problem when you’re trying to learn a language by imitating a native speaker and in the process you changed your accent. However, doing it simply for the objective to appear superior among peers, to hide who you really are or where you’re from is sad.

 

I still don’t want to particularly sound like some random Hong Kong student because they do tend to speak in English as if it were just another version of Cantonese or that they were in physical pain. Most of the people I know have (I think) good English because they sound natural enough (or at least that’s what I think when they are giving presentations). I didn’t work or “fine-tuned” my accent so I can sound like an American or British (if that were true then I’m doing a terrible job, haha). According to some friends, I don’t have a Chinese accent (don’t really know if I had one to begin with…), but I am not (I hope I’m not) trying to hide who I am, or where I’m from (which is a whole different problem).

A Visit

Oh so now I can’t even write a coherent and decent passage now?

***********
On Sunday I went to the cemetery with my mom, grandma and uncle. Quite unfortunately it is the time of the month Again, and my knees were so weak I could barely stand. I had to keep myself pacing, careful not to put balance on one specific leg.

There’s so much you get to see and think just from a visit to the graveyard.

********************
I kept wandering around, looking at my grandfather’s neighbors gravestones. There were so many different people, of different ages and background. The more I looked around, the sadder I felt and eventually had to pray for all these people.

There were gravestones with pictures of young ladies, passed away in their mid thirties; pictures of young men, 16 to 20 years old; pictures of just children, a six-year-old boy and girl; there were gravestones without year of birth and death, with a baby picture on the stone…

Some had two pictures on them. A lot of them were elderly couples, a few were two guys (relatively young), some of the graves do state out their relationships, some don’t, which allows viewer’s imagination go “wild” (I wonder why there aren’t gravestones with two Women photos@@). I remembered one in particular, of a young girl and a man in his late thirties or mid forties. They were father and daughter. The young girl died when she was six or seven years old, and the father also passed away within a decade. Was it out of money issues that he shared a space with his daughter? Or was it out of love?

All those young people, I remembered at their age “death” was not something I thought about happening to me. I thought of their parents, how sad, how angry they would be because no one would expect their children to live a life so short. I had to pray, because the sadness I felt for them and their family.

To think, that everyday there’s someone taking their own lives; those who doesn’t treasure their life.

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Usually I don’t go see my deceased grandparents. My father certainly doesn’t expect me to. His side of the family does it out of tradition and respect. Ever since we’ve got older and went to secondary school, no one expects or even asks “the kids” to go. It would be a waste of time, as my father would say. Unlike a lot of fellow Christians, I have nothing against these visiting graves and paying their respects in a Chinese way. I do not find preparing food for the dead, buying fresh fruit and flowers, burning incenses and candles, bowing and “talking” to the deceased “Evil” or “Devil Worshipping”. To me, it’s just all about respect. You pay your respects towards the people who helped brought you to the world. Every customs and culture deserves to be respected.

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Like looking at the different ways my grandparents were buried kind of indicates which side of my family is richer @@. My grandparents from my father’s side have a whole grave (with coffin place) to themselves, which, considering how expensive land could be in Hong Kong, should be pretty expensive. My grandfather from my mom’s side was cremated and had the space of a tiny cubical. My guess is that people from that generation wouldn’t have given thought of the environment or urban land usage yet @@.

Just another random subject: Hong Kong Teenagers

Oh there’s so much to talk about HK teens today. I came across a news article.

http://hk.news.yahoo.com/article/080827/3/7x2y.html

I’m afraid it’s in Chinese but the short story is this: It mentions a 19 year old guy, who slapped his grandmother on her thighs and breasts several times with his slipper, because she accidentally blocked his view of the TV screen. Even in court when the judge asked him why he didn’t hit himself instead, the teenager just smiled and didn’t answer. After the jury, the teenager walked out with his mother, talking and laughing.

Nineteen; at the age of nineteen HK teenagers are suppose to be either on their way to university or have already joined the work force. The whole news story was almost a joke, but it’s nothing funny to know that someone who should be mature enough to know better, would treat others with such lack of respect (not to mention his own grandparents) and have such poor judgment on one’s own action. How did HK society come up with a way to raise a child to turn out like that beats me.

Are the majority of Hong Kong teenagers turning into immature materialistic brats? On the streets, we see school children walking around, with their expensive brand name school bags and all. I’m willing to place my bet that half these school children can’t really afford to buy all that stuff if it weren’t for their hard working parents, whom felt they have no better way to express their love and care than to use tangible items. It’s a wild guess, but I’m also willing to bet that these children aren’t doing really well in school. I’m a strong believer that failing in school doesn’t mean failing in life, but if you add “immaturity” into the equation, it’s obvious that they’re going to have a hard time supporting themselves to get the lifestyle they’ve become accustomed to. It’s probably going to be a growing trend that parents will work harder and retire later just to financially support their grown up offspring.

Then we hear so many cases of secondary school girls and boys (in some cases, primary school children) being prostitutes for the extra allowance. Some of them were tricked into the industry and were controlled by organizations [Note: Organizations of such is illegal in HK. It is only legal in HK to offer sex services if the person is of age and is “self employed”]. In a city like Hong Kong, there are so many subsidies and other financial aid from the government. I’m not saying that the government is always efficient, but there isn’t a strong reason for someone to turn to prostitution.

This doesn’t only reflect the materialism penetrated into the hearts of HK youth, but also the lack of education when it comes to sex. Girls as young as 11 are having sex. I remembered another news article I read on an 11 year old girl who didn’t realize she was pregnant until she actually gave birth. So the question was how could she not know she was pregnant? Surely she would know, even she didn’t have the morning sickness and the works? It was all because when she started to have sex, she didn’t even had her first period, so she and her partner didn’t use any protection. The problem is, there’s no one teaching kids today when should they ever have sex; what age, in what situation. You can’t tell them they have to Wait until they gave their wedding vows. They think it’s a fair deal: I give you sex in the exchange for your money or love.

And then there are always those cocky university students, especially those from a certain local school (unfortunately they are my fellow schoolmates). Once I’ve been to a public event for university students and there was a question and answer section. The host asked us to give out our names before asking a question, so that they could address us properly. The first girl chosen to raise a question said “Hi I’m Gloria Li, and I’m from HKU” in the haughtiest voice. I was immediately embarrassed and actually said “what the fuck” to my friend next to me. For someone who is supposed to be one of the brightest people and got a place in the “best” school in the city would know better than to flaunt.

And what’s with the idea of local students having a harder time to get to a university when compared with international school students? The local exams HKCEE and HKAL are sufficiently stiffer exams when compared with IB or GCSE. The irony is that the average hardworking local students might not get to a university whilst mediocre international school students have the same bargaining power with the brighter group of local students. The same person may have an E in HKCEE math exam could actually get a B or even an A in GCSE. It’s just not fair.

In traditional Chinese culture, Modesty has always been a much valued virtue. HK’s education had never made any Real effort into teaching school children how to become a better person. Now HK people are catching up with their international counterparts in terms of moral deterioration. For a place like Hong Kong, where east culture blends with the west, why is that we learn only the worse instead of the best?

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Argh, I give up. I’m babbling; I know nothing about Hong Kong.

Country Roads, Take Me Home

Generally I tend to speak my mind more freely than I should. But then I’m not a mean person so usually that’s okay.

However on Saturday, a friend was attending a dance lesson which was obviously difficult, different style from what she’s used to and it was the fourth lesson (people have been attending the same song and there’s a longer routine). Honestly I think she can’t handle it. Then Jojo said something about her having a hard time and then I had a slip of tongue and said the equivalent of “serves her right” in Chinese. I was so shocked that I had to ask Jojo what I just said. It was so mean that even Jojo was shocked. It wasn’t even in my mind! I didn’t even mean it!

I’m a good person, I swear!!

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As unexpected as it can be, Bo gave me a comment during class. Unexpectedly I didn’t seem to be bothered as usual. Jojo later said I just no longer care.

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I went to get my passport renewed, but the ambassador said because it expired for over ten years I have to provide photos of me over the years before they start the application (Vincent and Steven didn’t have to… Why do I?). They want me to prove that I was the girl on the photo inside the passport by showing my change in appearance… first I don’t know if I have one photo taken every year, and secondly my appearance had changed dramatically over the years, terrible haircut, terrible clothes, terrible body, terrible self esteem.

It cost me HK$800 to get a new passport.

I’ve been to the Canadian embassy in Hong Kong for a couple of times but this is my first (to memory) in the US embassy of HK. It feels weird to be there, it’s like I don’t know where I’m from and where do I belong. I know I’m not a politician and I don’t have to decide where I am from, but it’s nice to say proudly that “I’m a Chinese-American” or “I’m a Hong -Kongese”. Every time I have to write my nationality I have to think what I should write. The problem is that I’m both and I’m equally uncomfortable in using both Chinese and English. I always wanted to go back to the states, but for school; I want to stay in Hong Kong to work. The funny thing is now if I’m leaving HK, I’ll have to work there for one year before considering doing a masters’ course.

My dad always sung the song “Almost Heaven, West Virginia” when he wasn’t in too-bad a mood. It was always the chorus that strikes me:

Country roads, take me home

To the place I belong

West Virginia, mountain momma

Take me home, country roads

I always thought my dad was lost. He is kind of an outcast of his own family because he’s the smart, hardworking and most educated one (his bad temper didn’t help) among his siblings. He left Hong Kong for America because he loved it so much when he first got there: the people are all nice and helpful; free coffee and cookies in resting areas for drivers (my mom said he was utterly in love with Oregon. He was all like “It’s actually free?!?!!”), the weather, the country side…etc. He, in his way, resented Chinese ever since. He thought Chinese people are fake, dishonest, aggressive, stupid and ill-mannered… the list goes on. He’s not racist but his trip to America really had an impact on him; he couldn’t wait to go back so he migrated and finish his masters there.

It was only because of his three children (learn Chinese) and his company asked him to move to Texas, he came back to Hong Kong. Instead of a promising career, he didn’t really succeed in his ventures of businesses. We lived in my cranky grandma’s tiny home for three years, and he works really hard but never got what he deserves. Fortunately now he retired and works with my mom, whom he thinks is the stupidest person on earth (maybe he changed his mind after our birth), together in their business. However I doubt this was what he planned to do when he graduate from university.

Back to the subject of lost, I felt that even though my dad is always making plans of the future, he’s lost. He doesn’t fit it, he doesn’t know where he belongs, he doesn’t know where is home (and that’s also because we almost make him hate us for our stupidity).

Home isn’t just a place but also a state of mind. It would be nice to have both. When he sung the lyrics, I think he do actually mean it. Take me home, country roads, take me home.

Are you a Chinese?

I’m so happy and grateful for the comments and advice from people on my post. Thank you so much again.

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Last Saturday I had lunch with Wendy, Pauline and her older brother; and I had dinner with Kamma, her family and Elaine today. I found it interesting to meet friends’ family; you see the resemblances between and spot the characteristics you find endearing.

Kamma’s parents are really nice. Kamma looks more like her mom and has her smile, while her dad is sort of in the quiet side (a typical dad? ^^). Not to my surprise Kamma is becoming a Hong-Kongese (She’s icelandic): She speaks Mandarin, knows 四川 cuisine (and many others), went to and knows most parts of Hong Kong and generally does stuff HK people do (shop, sing K, club…), knows the traditional stuff…etc. I have to ask if she must have rice for meals or cooks with a rice cooker and wok. She’s getting more Chinese than I am!

Elaine asked Kamma about me being “traditional” and Kamma said I drank tea for dinner (Coke for Elaine, beer for the rest). Then when we said goodbye to Kamma’s mom and dad I bowed to her mom… I tend to bow at people, and it’s just an old habit!!!!

I got this list from a forward e-mail years ago:

28 Ways To Know You’re Chinese… (Or Cantonese, Actually)

• 1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows).
• 2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
• 3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
• 4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.
• 5. You hate to waste food.
• a. Even if you’re totally full, if someone says they’re going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you’ll finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa)
• b. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
• 6. You don’t own any real Tupperware- only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.
• 7. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
• 8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.
• 9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker
• 10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
• 11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill. For me that’s fighting to WORK OUT the bill. =)
• 12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
• 13. If you’re under age 20, you own a really expensive Walkman/Discman; if you’re over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
• 14. You’re a wok user.
• 15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.
• 16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached — it means they’re fresh.
• 17. You never call your parents just to say hi.
• 18. If you don’t live at home, when your parents call, they’ll ask if you’ve eaten, even if it’s midnight.
• 19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they’re heaty (yeet hay in Cantonese).
• 20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
• 21. You always cook too much.
• 22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don’t eat the last piece of food on the table.
• 23. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.
• 24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics, computers.
• 25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
• 26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
• 27. You know why this list consists of only “28″ reasons.
• 28. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.

補考

太多想法, 太認真, 不好吧.

 

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今天補考CBBA0001. 見到Eunice (她也是補考的).

有三位老師監考, 五位補考生, 一名學生缺席 (她竟夠膽!!?).

 

監考老師叫我們若果考試中途感到凍, 不舒適等,

也要盡量完成考試, 否則要 “明年再見” 了.

最多他們關掉冷氣和借風摟給我們.

 

聽了後, 我連忙拿了包紙巾, 水和止痛藥 (六粒) 出來,

說了 “若我們考試有事, 連埋第六位同學, 一人一粒, 剛剛好”.

其他人呆了.

 

試卷不能完成啊… 但應該合格的.

考完後我就在街上傻笑 ^^

 

之後和公司的 Melanie 一起吃飯.

(當然不是IDS 的那位; 我沒有資格呀)