On your way, Cloud (and Thank You)

A week ago Apple and Morgan invited me to go to this multimedia art performance (is this what it’s called?) with them, which featured some of the big people in the genre of merging performance art with technology. The ticket wasn’t exactly cheap considering that I didn’t need inspiration for a final year project, but then I decided I needed to see something new and have other stuff to think about (not to mention being with the two people I love spending time with and they not minding me stringing along as the third wheel, ha!).

It was sort of an unpleasant shock when both of them sent me a text, telling me that it was something that participants were expected to “dress smart casual (Morgan)/ dress up a bit (Apple)”. In my head those translated as “full business suit with no tie (oh no wait, I’m not a guy; I have to wear the full business attire… but in an artsy way!?!?!?!!!)” and that “powdering your nose is mandatory”. Fortunately I didn’t need to wear the suit (God forbid on a Saturday night), but since I was (am) still sore from the well-intended critiques I’ve got last month and just yesterday Phyllis and Emily commented on how drained I always looked or acted, I had to do something about my face. So I was extremely shy when I met them at the MTR station in Tai Ko, looking down on the floor cos I also ditched the jeans and t-shirt as per requested.

Thoughts and Other stuff that happened I would like to note here:

1. The staff at the hotel dressed like the cast of Star Trek.
2. Morgan mentioned there was another reason why I was asked to dress up; that they had great news to announce. Naturally I burst out “you guys are getting married!” and he turned to Apple, saying they should have waited until we were seated to break the news… so for the next fifteen minutes I was still muddled whether or not they were serious, getting Apple into fits of laughter. Turns out they were granted free studio space at the Jockey Club Creative Arts Centre in Shek Kip Mei and they are very excited.
3. The urge to make the artist/assistant, whom was wearing Prada shoes, laugh as he had this stoic look on his face as he sat in front of a white table, repeating his task of molding metal sand into a ball and placing it on the table with utter seriousness.
4. The artist who was “printing computer generated lines” on white paper at the tip of his fingers, creating art on paper as well as performance. I was more transfixed on deciphering his thoughts as he would constantly look up and stare in air with thought. Either what he was thinking the composition of his next drawing (which as a skeptic, I thought was just pretentious bogus) (and obviously all my previous art training is down the drain) OR he was looking at the people gathered around him and thought “you stupid people, pretending to being able to comprehend the concept of Art.” Later when I heard him talk, I’ve associated a possible explanation to his pompous attitude: he’s a French artist.
5. The artist who used Chinese ink to draw on pieces of paper was probably my favorite, because he gave me new insights – like when he drew a face on the paper, and “magically” moved the nose, toothy mouth, eyes around, having them to bounce and swirl, I thought “so this is how God plays with us everyday”. And when he made ink splash against the white surface, making big and small splotches, and therefore making the viewer form the impression of depth, perspective and space, I thought “so this is how it would look like when you fall from Heaven to Hell” (don’t even ask for an explanation… I could have thought of the universe or fish but instead it was falling angels…)
6. It was a dark setting; all the lights were turned off except for the bright white screen. So, I wore my sunglasses. (I should have thanked the two for not abandoning me immediately…)
7. The artist who links his fingers to form shapes the computer captures and saves them, making all sorts of loud sounds… “so this is what people hear in their heads when they go insane.”
   (and when white shapes turns yellow and falls down, hitting the bottom of the screen with a clear blink sound – “golden eggs!”
8. Apple waving her hand before my eyes as I was so focused on the screen (other than whispering Point 5, 6 and 7 to her).
9. Art is using an object in a way that it was not originally created for. Like C++ programming language.
10. The girl at McDonalds was unwilling to speak in English for Morgan and couldn’t understand “Fanta” when it’s not in Chinese (either she thought we could help translate, or that she noticed we don’t speak to him in English either).

They were afraid that they tricked me into coming, but actually I had enjoyed the night thoroughly.

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I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you guys being so great to me. I guess the turning point was when I made Apple’s last two years in high school crazy like hell because of working together in the student union… we weren’t particularly close before and because of SU we were so annoyed with each other that there was a time it was painful just being in the same room together; the second time we’ve met and first time we’ve spoke, I had the audacity to tell Morgan I thought he was aloof and expressively uninterested into knowing Apple’s friends while I assured him we weren’t nice to him only because he’s “the boyfriend”, but him as an individual. Both of which would make any other people never speak to me again. I don’t remember what happened in between now and then but they’ve been the most supportive people in my life for quite awhile.

The night I received and read Apple’s postcard, I realized she has become so dear to me that I love her (not “steal your girlfriend” kind of way, Morgan, in case you’re reading this). And when Morgan called out “bother us!” at the MTR in Mong Kok I hoped he’s going to be around long enough for me to grow to love him too (in the way I would if I ever actually come across that MSN profile pic of him and the camera, Apple, in case you’re reading this). I really do wish they would continue to play a prominent role in my life.

It might be the opportunity to let my imagination go wild, might be of the phone call I got from them and Apple telling me that she loves me too, or it might just be the two tubs of ice cream in the freezer waiting for my attention, but the dark cloud over my head has finally started to budge, if not lifted.

TIC Teachers – don’t give up; TIC Students – try to see why we love this school.

Hi. My name is Jennifer Lau and I’m a TIC graduate in year 2005 – 2006. Some of you may remember me; I’ve always been active during my time there and even after graduation I have always been eager to know how things went. After recent conversations I had with some teachers, there are a few things I wanted to share with my teachers and my schoolmates.

 

We need good teachers
I remember reading an essay on a conversation between a parent and a high school teacher. I can’t recall the exact details but the general flow is this: while the teacher was trying to point out the problems the school was having with his son, the father was offended, thought he knew better and demanded the teacher for his qualifications because he doubt he was qualified to pass judgment on his child. The teacher paused for a second before replying courteously.

“Yale University; graduated masters with honors.” (Yale is an Ivy League school in the US.) More stunned than embarrassed, the parent couldn’t help but ask:

“So what are you doing as a high school teacher? With your qualifications you can easily go anywhere!” The teacher just smiled serenely.

“Don’t you think your child deserves the best?” he asked. The parent admitted he never thought of it that way before.

In today’s society we rarely acknowledge the fact that teaching is a sacred duty. There are people who opt for a teaching career only because of the stable income, but there are also others who are dedicated and genuinely want to educate the young, i.e. the good teachers. However, for many reasons, they get discouraged and slowly saw education as “a job” and nothing else.

This situation can be directly compared to people consulting a doctor who couldn’t care less of their health; it’s the worse outcome a teacher and his students can get. Ideally in a good teacher, I look for dedication, ethics, and a role model. Having the skills to actually convey messages comprehendible to students is a great bonus, but I think those three are most essential for the makings of a good teacher.

  

Students can recognize good teachers, and want to be inspired (by them).
As someone who has been a student for almost her whole life, it had been very easy for me to differentiate good responsible teachers from those who’re just in it for the money and politics. Believe it or not, students do appreciate teachers for their work. Drawing from personal experience in university, I was a completely different person compared to when I was in TIC. I eventually found out why.

I expected to be inspired – because I was fortunate enough to have that throughout my teenage years, surrounded by terrific teachers in TIC, and university turned out to be such a big disappointment. I think I can represent fellow schoolmates when I say this: We all want to be inspired in one way or another. It’s not always about knowledge but also wisdom. Don’t be discouraged when some of us don’t act that way. We may not know it ourselves but deep down we do want inspiration. Don’t only notice a few bad representatives and give up on everyone of us. It’s just so easy to focus on the bad and neglect the good. Please don’t give up hope.

 

Why is TIC special
This school, beyond doubt, is a very special school. However exactly because of that, TIC always faced an internal struggle of its own identity. Believe me when I say a lot of alumni like myself are extremely worried about the future of TIC.

Our school motto covers almost everything an individual should value and learn in life – the importance of health and sportsmanship; of humanity; of creativity and appreciation; and of wisdom and knowledge. The special thing about TIC isn’t only that most students here (or at least those who used to study here) believed in the whole TIC concept; that though it is important, Academic Excellency isn’t Everything in life, but so many teachers here believed in TIC too. Not only those who teaches Visual Art or P.E. but also others who taught in other subjects, like Physics for example.

TIC offers you the freedom to choose where you want to excel. You don’t have to dream about becoming an athlete or a designer, you can show and develop your interest in art and still do well in other fields. TIC is a rebellion of modern Hong Kong society; by trying to subconsciously educate those who belong here that Money and Academic achievements aren’t the only things that matter. This is a haven for those who dared to think differently. The work done by TIC teachers are beyond admirable and special compared to those in other exam-result-driven schools.

 

TIC Today
As alumni, there’s very little we can do to help TIC to recreate its former glory. The great sculpture right in front of the school entrance is the representation of what is expected from those who go and went to TIC; a equal balance of art, sports and traditional education. Tip the scales and the balance, i.e. TIC would be ruined.

The major problem the school has always faced was whether TIC should put a stronger emphasis on academics because they believed that was what students and parents ask for. School authorities have been continously stating that students here tend to do well only in art or sports, and neglect their studies. As alumni, we see the gradual decrease in the number of Art and Sport classes, drastic deterioration in performance on both Visual arts and Sports, and the type of students who enrolled to TIC only came because it’s an EMI school and a safety net in case they can’t get into elite schools.

Visual art students no longer have to hand in sketch books because according to their parents or themselves, too much time and effort is wasted on drawing and painting; P.E. students can no longer pass fitness test because deep down they don’t really see the point of training unless they want to be a professional athlete and have complained to the school, consequently no longer required to join any sports team. This sort of thinking spelled the demise of TIC.

The authorites need to see that TIC, as a concept, is possible by seeing actual results from students. What is scaring us is that students themselves don’t believe in TIC or simply don’t care.

 

What today’s TIC teachers and students should do
What I ask from TIC teachers today is don’t give up on TIC, because you are the permanent force that can help reform TIC. You helped mould and shape TIC; You did it once, you can to do it again. TIC needs you; we alumni need you. Don’t give up or lose faith just because TIC is at such a disappointing stage right now.

What I ask from today’s TIC students is try to understand what this school is about and become a true Ti-Ian, because you are the strongest force in TIC. Try to look at the school motto in the hall and ask yourself if you are doing what TIC is trying to teach; and what are you doing to get the best of what TIC has to offer. There is only so much the teachers can do if you don’t help yourself. Work together and recreate the TIC that teachers and we alumni have seen before. TIC isn’t just another school you go through in life; it’s a group of like-minded people you choose to join for life.

There are numerous reasons why TIC is much treasured in the hearts of so many, and I sincerely ask (and beg) all of those there not to let TIC become a memory of the past.

Graduation Trip Day 2 – London

Apple, thank you for giving me back my sanity.

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Today Janette and I woke up early to meet up Apple and her sister Rainbow at Buckingham Palace to see “changing the guards”. We took the bus with Calvin as he was on his way to work and I looked out of the window, taking in everything while Janette and Calvin doze off. It is somehow unbelievable that I’m here in London, on a holiday.

 

Buckingham Palace

“Changing the guards” actually starts at 11:30 am but Kenny had warned us to be there way before 11 because of the crowd. During the wait, the four of us were taking the advantage of no one being able to understand Cantonese, looked around and talked openly about the people around us, stating our observations, and commented on how annoying the guy in front of us was, who managed to block all of our view simply by outstretching his beefy arms.

 

It was an odd feeling, when we were speaking in a language that almost no one around us would understand. It made me understand why when people leave their home country they would naturally bond with those who came from the same place. Other than the similarities in appearance, modes of thinking or language (the ability of comprehending each other in a higher level) but also the feeling of conversing in “secret codes” can be liberating and fun. However after awhile I realized I don’t like it; saying things you normally won’t dare to, just because they don’t understand what you’re saying and so “zero consequences”. Not to mention some take advantage and make fun of somebody else…

 

Basically we stood there for a few hours, looking at soldiers “marching” and took pictures of them. We noted how the big furry black hat on the leader is always taller than his troops; how some of them weren’t standing straight; some of them were scratching an itch; they were walking instead of marching… so the whole thing wasn’t very impressive. Still we did the (polite) touristy thing and kept ourselves busy by taking endless pictures – the building, the marching band (do they do this every other day or was it because it was “Coronation Day”?), police on horseback (didn’t know horses still plays a role in society other than in sports, gambling, or tourism?)… then Janette made a comment on one of the horses that was grey with small white patches all over, saying how extremely ugly it was (did she also say they should be removed/shot/something that I don’t remember?), and said it often enough to make me extremely disgusted for so many reasons… she didn’t mean it in a malicious way; simply to state how visual unappealing she find something, but still I can’t believe people can say such a thing and not think of the other implications such a statement can have. Then she moved on to how incredibly smelly horse dung is, and we began to discuss their diet and where the smell could come from.

 

House of Parliament and Westminster Abbey

From the Buckingham Palace we walked to the House of Parliament and Westminster Abbey. It was a very pleasant walk. On the way we pasted by Green Park (or was it Hyde Park?) and I looked at how people were lying around talking, or having lunch. Then I told Apple how this would never happen in Hong Kong because everyone is so occupied by work or studies… simply by walking along the path I feel so happy and relaxed and it feels so so nice, with the breeze and the sun… but it also feels weird because it has been such a long time since I weren’t rushing to places and there is this half guilty thing I’m experiencing because I’m not doing something “productive” with my time; a weird feeling she also shared for a while. I asked her if she had a picnic during her year in London (“nope”), and since we had nothing planned for tomorrow, the four of us decided to have a picnic at Hyde Park the next day.

 

We got to House of Parliament and according to one of the guards there, the debate that day starts at around four but usually people come an hour earlier to line up. Apple attended one of the debates and found it interesting but couldn’t stay awake half of the time, and after St Paul Cathedral I wasn’t sure if it was worth it to pay to get into another church. So we decided to take pictures of the two buildings and head for the museums while Apple and Rainbow went to buy stuff and prepare dinner.

 

Natural History Museum

Janette and I took the tube to South Kensington. We found a restaurant that had a sign outside that promised us we could buy lunch with a reasonable price, which naturally was the takeaway price. While Janette was trying to ask if there were ketchup in the pasta (cos she absolutely cannot stand ketchup or salad dressing) I was put off by the impatience the person behind counter has shown to us. When we left to find a spot to sit and have lunch/tea, Janette was telling me how she didn’t understand why they didn’t let us have lunch there since the restaurant was half empty. I understood what she was coming at but I thought since we weren’t paying the dine-in price and because of cultural differences, people don’t necessarily like to create crowds to fill up their shop/restaurant like businesses in Hong Kong do, and that pretty much enough covers a valid explanation (after typing all this down I just realized where her comment came from when we were asked what we thought of London later that day).

 

Before our trip we knew there were lots of museums in London that are worth seeing, and the Natural History Museum was one of them, but we had to pick so we just took pictures of the place. It was such an elegant architecture we almost changed our minds, but there were little time left so we hurried to the Victoria and Albert Museum, which was just nearby.   

 

Victoria and Albert Museum

I don’t know if it was because this was the first art museum we visited, but this is one of three museums I liked best in my entire trip. We first started off with I think is the History Period and Styles section. There were so many beautiful items that it was impossible to take pictures of every single one of them (though I dearly wanted to) so I only took those that I thought was extra interesting or could give me some new ideas with my own portfolio.

 

Walking through that section made me realize several things (or made a stronger affirmation of things I’ve known). 1. To truly understand art, you have to understand history; and History cannot be separated from Art.  2. I always thought that my artwork wasn’t really special because the concepts behind weren’t strong or interesting enough; I was more of the craftsmen than an artist. But I saw that there is a market for the sort of art I’m doing and I thought maybe, Maybe I can make something out of it instead of seeing art as part of my past. 3. I always thought there was a particular style or color scheme that makes a country’s artwork distinguishable from others, especially when it comes to Chinese art and European art. But there were lots of items that Janette and I thought were Chinese were actually from France or Holland… in some way it made me glad that at least in art, we aren’t so different and we are capable of influencing/learning from each another after all.

 

While Janette wasn’t into sculptures and went to look at the fashion section, I spent a long time looking at this one sculpture titled “Eve”, sculpted by Thomas Brock. It wasn’t only because of its aesthetic value, but what particularly moved me was how it was able to capture an aura of the quiet thoughtfulness, the simple elegance and grace of a young woman.

Eve - Thomas Brock (Photo taken by Mr. Hyde, Flickr)

 Afterwards we went to see the Stained glass section and the Jewelry section, both of which made me really want to try it out but don’t know where to in Hong Kong, sigh.

 

Russell Street – Apple’s Residential Hall

We were already running late when we left the V&A museum. By the time we managed to find Apple’s hall we were ready to drop dead on our feet because we were basically On our feet for the whole day. While Janette helped Apple and Rainbow with preparing our dinner (peeling potatoes, wrapping rolls…), I was trying to book tickets for the bus we were going to take to the Stansted airport, check-in for our flight, and send a detailed email to my parents (which was all I can do as I didn’t expect my dad would help sponsor my trip). 

 

Matthew Calvin and Edith arrived later with drinks, and while Calvin was falling asleep on the chair we talked. Edith asked what we thought of London. Janette and I both loved the weather, said how we noticed how difficult it was to find a trash can (in HK, whenever there were some festival or something big happening, all the rubbish bins in the MTR stations are removed and I knew they were afraid people would hide bombs and stuff, but the thought didn’t occur to me that this was an everyday fear of London people…), then I said I found London people impatient and not friendly. My comment caught Matthew and Edith by surprise as they said the British are the most patient people you could ever find; they could wait patiently while being stuck inside the Tube for two hours in the dark without a word. I told them about going through customs yesterday, buying food and stuff… I knew it wasn’t because we couldn’t understand what people were saying as both Janette and I spoke English (well, duh). I don’t know if it was just me, but I felt for a second there in Edith, Matthew and Janette’s mind, the word “discrimination” came up. I knew Apple had this big argument with them on the subject a month ago and I didn’t want to start anything now. Then Janette said she thought they were rigid in their way of doing things and that was it on our thoughts of London.

 

Apple and Rainbow made a feast (they are so going to marry well, hahaha…), everything was so delicious but there were a lot of leftovers… By the time we left her hall it was already past 11 and it was pretty dark outside. Apple walked us to the bus stop and on our way teenagers/people our age were yelling Cantonese at us (I was pretty impressed that they knew Cantonese instead of Mandarin). I understood why Edith and the others were worried about Apple awhile ago because she walked home in the dark alone. 

 

Even though Janette and I insisted that Edith and Calvin should have their bed back tonight, they were equally firm of them having to stay up and finishing their art pieces. On the bus ride Edith and I was trying to stay awake by talking while the other two were pretty much dead to the world. When we got back to Parsons Green Janette lied down in the bed and was already in such a deep slumber I didn’t want to wake her up to shower. I tried to help Edith to translate her work but my head was so stiff it would have to wait till the next day. So so tired…

 

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At the customs, when the officer didn’t bother to hide how annoyed he was with us when we were trying to find Edith’s address in our bags, his whole attitude was so unpleasant… and the first thought that reach to my head was “discrimination?” and I was extremely uncomfortable that I could so naturally, so easily land to that conclusion. There were so many factors why he was like that, e.g. it was early in the morning and it wasn’t like his work was particularly interesting; he probably have to deal with stupid people all the time… After some more observation and a bit of open-mindedness, I knew it wasn’t discrimination but rather impatience for those who didn’t know how things work there.

 

There are several reasons why the thought came so naturally, one of them being right before the trip I read Apple’s blog entry on her experience with an old English lady. If I remember the story right, they were crossing the road and she saw that the lady’s trolley was trapped at a crack on the road, so she went to help her. Instead she got pushed away by the old lady, snapped at her, telling the “Chinese girl” to go away, and that she was no help at all. Another guy came over and Apple left. When I read that I was so sad. I wasn’t angry at all, but sad because I don’t understand why “being different” is such a big problem.

 

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I don’t know if it’s a bad thing, but when I know I’m not good, or there’s someone better at something, I usually leave it to that person to handle (I’m a strong believer of specialization). When it comes to technical stuff, skills or knowledge, I usually trust others’ opinions/memory more than I trust myself. Therefore initially I left the map reading to Janette because out of the two of us, she’s the smart one. Since she insisted that she doesn’t know how to read maps either, we took turns. Because the way we comprehend things are different, I thought it would be easier if only one of us work out our location at a time. When it comes to asking questions, directions and stuff, I would have thought it would be better for me to do the talking. So it’s sometimes annoying when she couldn’t get her message across and have more people getting impatient at us. Sometimes I step in, sometimes I don’t… I guess I’m also a strong believer of letting people do whatever they want.

Visit to a good friend’s exhibition

On Wednesday morning Cass and I went to Chinese University to support and see So Ling’s first solo exhibition “曼昧兒 – far too close”. It’s been such a long time since I’ve went to an exhibition and this is the first that I personally know the artist.

 

The name 曼昧兒 came out as a shock for me and Cass; we weren’t exactly sure how the second word is pronounced, but if it is pronounced the same way we think it is, it has the same pronunciation of our much respected class teacher’s name: Man Mei Yi @@. It was shocking because I never thought she inspired So Ling so much that she would dedicate her exhibition to her. Afterwards I saw that most of her subjects were people: her mom, Obama…etc. Huh?

 

So Ling aka Zon, is the first person out of our high school year to have her own Solo Exhibition. Therefore this exhibition has stirred up much interest from lots of old classmates and friends when she sent invitations on Facebook. Three years in a Fine arts programme has changed her style profoundly. It changed from fun colourful visual excitement (more on the “graphics design” side and as Cass said, Pop Art) to subtle, soft feeling-based portray of her subjects (which is really “fine art”).

 

After the exhibition we’ve got some time in our hands so we headed for lunch. I told Cass while looking at So Ling’s work, it dawned to me that I don’t really know how should a person judge an art piece. What distinguishes good work from mediocre ones? I know what I look in art: Composition, use of colour, skills and techniques, sense of space and perspective, focal point, the message behind, the feelings it evokes… etc. But could you use such technical approach to judge art? Isn’t Art a very subjective subject? How and when do you become an “Artist”? I’m still very confused…

 

Then I met So Ling in Admiralty. The last time we saw each other was graduation so there was an awful lot of catching up to do. I told her that I’ve applied for art school. She was so very happy for me ^^. She is also thinking about doing a masters programme in Fine Arts in France @@. She finally explained to me that “曼昧兒” (pronounced as Man Mui Yi. Turns out Cass and I were wrong.) means “Memory”. The whole set of work were a big step for her, because she’s trying to develop a more romantic feeling in her work and she has always avoided drawing human subjects when we were still in high school. Funny thing is that originally it was “曼味兒” instead (which is exactly the same as “Man Mei Yi”) but there was a typo. Anyway it still works fine ^^.

 

That night in msn, she told me I’ve changed. According to her I am “full of sunshine” now ^^. I mentioned some of the major things that has happened in the last two years… maybe “full of sunshine” would be an exaggeration, but she reminded me where I was just two years ago and I’m just very grateful that things generally work out for me eventually.

Free time

Should be practicing the choreography for A.P…. but still not up for it.

 

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Oh, I still haven’t bought the clothes for A.P.…

 

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Finally, after everything, I had the whole day to myself. I did some school research and but was overwhelmed by the sheer number of schools and cities and, well just Everything. Then I went out with Cass for art supplies and I’ve been really hopeful ever since (all the junk food also made the night very pleasant ^.^~). I always liked shopping for art supplies; it’s like you are preparing to create something beautiful. Oh, and there’s the Canvas! With a new canvas, you have all sorts of possibilities. Especially with acrylics, you don’t have to be scared about messing up; you could always cover it up or even start over.

 

I also bought a new sketch book. Again this is one of the many attempts to start working on a new sketch book (or notebooks, or diaries), and I’m going to try keep filling up the pages. So at this point I am serious in building up a portfolio.

 

I’m happy now. All I need is hope~

Ah… I’m so spoiled…

Okay, after this entry I will try harder to write better and organize my thoughts. I know I tend to jump around and wander off to another direction in my writing.

 

And I should control the length of my entries… I tend to keep on rambling on the same ideas…

 

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Wednesday, two things:

 

1. I’ve always had problems focusing. It just never came to me that during test it could get worse. If any of my daydreams were true, then I’ve seen a lot of people within 5 hours by just sitting quietly @@. Too bad I don’t daydream often.

 

2. For the whole week I’ve been looking pale (more than usual), sick and hair chaotic, but right after my last paper for the day, for some weird reason, I actually got some color back on my cheeks. Maybe I’m starting to develop exam allergies?

 

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A lot of people have been asking me what I planned to do after graduation. I thought of looking for a job, accepting the fact that my university life was horrid and that I would never try out school life in America; that I’d probably wouldn’t have another art class ever again, or any chance to brainstorm and be creative; knowing that I won’t be able to learn how to write properly ever.

 

I went to this McDonnell scholarship talk just to realize it was only for Ph. D students (many of us got fooled). Nevertheless, the message was that they were looking for exceptional students and groom them to be future leaders, with the hopes of making the world a better place. And by exceptional they mean academically. Initially I was upset because I thought “okay, so I’m never going to make a difference”. But then I started to get worked up. What does my performance in school have anything to do with me being “exceptional” or with me being a leader? Why must my life be determined by my transcript and graduation….

 

It dawned to me that if I graduate next year; just accept what I have right now and don’t change anything, then this is really It for me. I’m always going to feel like a failure just because I did terribly in school (well, university at least). I’ll always have to look back thinking I could have done better. .. but wait, I’m just 21 and already I’m regretting for what I’ve done in my life? That can’t be right @@.

 

I want to try studying art again, try to spend more time on creative writing, see if I’m not as mediocre as I think I am, and treat my interests seriously. I want to be inspired; to understand who I really am; and what am I made of. I’ve started doing my school-research again, stumbling back to the course content of degree programmes such as the bachelor degree of fine arts. I was thinking, I was suppose to spend 4 years in HKU anyway, so why not I try taking up fine arts instead for a year and decide what I want to do after that? If I’m any good, I might be able to get to a masters program after the first year (if I could build up a superb portfolio @@). Highly impossible, but just a thought. I could always come back to Hong Kong…

 

So the basic idea is, me spending a year elsewhere to try out studying in fine arts.

 

My concerns, as always, are about time and money. Then I look at people around me, doing things they want to do, going to places they want to see and explore… why can’t I have that? They’re the same age as me; I don’t think they are particularly well off… so what’s stopping me? Fear.

 

Fear of me being a brat by asking for extra money for something unnecessary when they are already supporting my brothers in America (they seriously don’t need the extra expenses); Fear of thinking of all this and not joining the work force all just because I’m spoiled. Fear of wasting a year of my life; Fear of having no future if I end up being a fine art graduate; Fear of ending up wasting my parent’s money; Fear of convincing my father that I can, I want to, and I should do this, so I won’t have any regrets; Fear of adapting in a new environment; Fear that I would have to accept that I might not be as good as I think I would.

 

But what is one year compared to my life, since I’m planning to stick around for quite some time @@?

 

But I’m not planning to work in the art industry… at least not now… is it still okay? A master degree (if I get one), might end up being more of a hindrance in looking for other work…

 

But what if all this is just stupidity? I’m not even one of the best in my high school in Hong Kong… what future would I have in US or UK? What if I Think I want to study art or writing, just because it seems to be easier? What if I just spend a year on it and decided to come back to Hong Kong (which I think is the most possible outcome)… is that a waste of money and time?

 

Sometimes I couldn’t help think, am I being punished for being able to get to University in Hong Kong, leaving me here while my brothers are in America. This is extremely selfish and stupid, I know… they’re having a hard time, and my parents shouldn’t have to pay for us doing poorly in school, but sometimes I couldn’t help but think… sigh…

 

Sigh… I’m just really spoiled… really I am… if I weren’t spoiled, I wouldn’t even have these thoughts, these “problems”…

“成功”

快不用再返學, 可以做我想做的事了~

(但很快考試了…)

我很希望pick up 返 Art.

我想我太介意自己有沒有天份了.

現在再沒有同學給我 critique…

所以要靠自己, 靠極有天份的朋友們令自己進步.

(朋友們, 多多指教~)

 

世界上有天份的人太多,

令我永遠都覺得自己無可能成功.

但我要學的,

就是 “成功” 這一詞從來都沒有肯定的定義.

 

*******

 

近來上IDS堂, 很累…

雖然想尊心, 想盡力,

我想說我有心無力,

But where is my heart???

有些堂, 我直情是”求其”.

我分不到我是無心還是無力…

想cut堂, 但不知道cut哪一堂.

其實是想不再去, 但又不捨得…