Things going on with life (cont’)

Things going on with life recently –

2. Dance

The annual performance is coming up (only one day, on the 16^th of January). This year I will be joining Allen To’s Hip Hop (level 1… why did it become level 1…?) and Siu May’s Jazz Funk (open level)… to my bemuse people were openly shocked by my choices, because I wasn’t going to join either Bo or Leung’s AP class; I’m trying to kick the annoying loyal nature, a.k.a. “change resistance” out of me.

Hopefully I would find the determination to actually practice the routines, because last year it was apparent I didn’t give a ____ (after years of swearing in my writing, I’m trying to eliminate my usage of profanity completely). A small but significant part of me envied the younger girls when I watch them practice the chorography they’ve learnt during the training course, expanding their dance vocabulary and body flexibility. However I knew I can no longer devote so much of my time into dancing because I’m all grown up now; I have obligations (e.g….?).

Sure when people asked me what classes I go regularly, I would answer “4, Friday to Monday” and it sounded like I go pretty often. But since almost every week one or two of them would be cancelled because the tutor had other engagements, I probably only go to two classes per week on average… I can go to other classes instead but then I would think I should save the money and use the time to study instead.

3. Parents

One day I got a call from my mom, and she said she had good and bad news. Bad news was, she probably is going to move in with me (“that’s not bad news mom”). Good news was my father had somehow told her that if Jennifer (me) likes writing, then she should go for it (@@?!!?!!). He emphasized that I should write fiction, not the news or editorial stuff… I was nevertheless shocked (what happened that made him change his mind?), thrilled and then thought the permission came eight years too late, because I might have been able to do something about it.

The realistic side of me caught up almost immediately and I understood why my father said only “fiction” was the way to go – because it didn’t require brilliant language skills. I distinctly remember him saying that Harry Potter wasn’t well written and maybe he thought there was probably a chance (like 0.01%) that I could come up with something like Harry Potter… =__=. Anyway it was still something to be ecstatic about; too bad for me that I don’t read or write as much as I used to.

Told Vincent and Steven (“yea we thought that was weird too”), Apple (someone who loves writing too) and Kamma (someone who was kind enough to tell me I have a talent to in and kept on encouraging me to write again)… so that was why I promised myself to write more.

Random thoughts

It slowly dawned to me that it’s not “art” exactly, but “expressions” that I love… somehow I think it’s because I express myself so poorly in normal life.

 

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It was literally pouring on Sunday night when I walked back home after class but it was such fun walking in heavy rain. In fact I laughed at one point because I tried walking with my head up and in a leisurely pace as if there were no rain at all, and I had to constantly wipe water off my face in order to see the roads. Meanwhile everyone around me, with or without umbrellas, was rushing to the nearest shelter (why rush when you’re already wet? You might as well enjoy the rain.). Then when I got back home people were mortified by how soaking wet I was, as if I jumped in a pool with all my clothes on. What did they expect from someone who didn’t bring an umbrella @@?

 

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After a month away, preferences and habits of mine have changed. One apparent example would be the dance classes I go to. Before I went to Siu May’s class because I wanted to try something new (and to get in the touch with the feminine side of me, though she has tuned down the sexiness and sassiness rather drastically). Now I go to two of her classes; I’m trying out this new hip hop class taught by Allen To… and gradually stopped going to the other ones that I used to go. I found myself picking up choreography faster (though still slow… sigh), being more sensitive to the beat and stuff… because I was completely focused. The last time I remembered being completely focused on the stuff I was doing was working on ceramics (three years ago) and I missed that feeling… Yesterday, during Yiu’s jazz funk class I was genuinely shocked when I could remember the whole routine because every now and then the steps were so similar it was so easy to get mixed up (especially when I didn’t really like the style or the music…); I still had to rush from one pose/step from another, couldn’t care for the details when the music was played… but to get the general flow down by heart was good enough for now. So everything is going well… except it wasn’t what I quite expected it to be.

 

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I don’t think I’m lost or confused anymore… I know what things I want, what I like; it’s just that I don’t know how much I want something or how long it would take to get me bored.

The things you learn from Dancing.

I’m procrastinating again…

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I was reading a friend’s blog and found myself envying how completely honest she could be in her writing… When you write under a pseudonym you have the liberty of saying anything you want with little impact on your daily life and probably fewer consequences. To be brutally honest (or is this a brutal description of myself?), people write because they have something to say or express, and they want to share it with the world when most won’t take the time to listen when they do it in person. So all this may lead to the easy conclusion that either you can never truly share your life story or your mind, or that blog writers who writes with no specific theme are probably sad sad people who is just craving for attention but cannot get it in the real world.

But whatever, I’m still doing it. As I told my friend, I like taking credit of my occasional odd ideas, that’s why art and writing works for me.

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Lately I have been going to fewer dance classes than before (from my highest record of 6 classes a week to 1 or 2 classes now @@). I guess it is a good thing because I have more time in my hands, I get to save up a lot of money and I come to enjoy it more … I have different priorities now, and I’m no longer using it as a drug (my father’s metaphor.).

I remember wanting to do this since form 1, after me and my geeky friends had so much fun cheerleading for our house at the swimming gala and sports day. There was this dance club in school and I watched them at awe every time they performed annually at the end of the school year. I thought “alright I’ll try that club out when I slim down” but then forgot all about it.

Until form six, when I had so much in my hands already (the student union, slipping grades, the fact that taking up a-level art amounts to the same workload of two a-levels), I decided to give it a shot. I don’t exactly know why, but I recall that particular morning waking up and thought “if I don’t do this now, I won’t, ever”. I told Tannessa this and it so happens she tried taking lessons the last summer and she could take me to the studio she goes to. She accompanied me for a class or two, but because of her also busy schedule, I was on my own. It first started off with one class per fortnight. Then gradually it was one class per week… and now here I am, always feeling restless for my next class.

There are some surprisingly things I’ve come to learn from my time in the dance studio. First was the popular perception of “teachers”. I think most of us see those who teach us as “Teachers” and that we half expect them to be mature or at the very least be a decent person. Even thought I’m perfectly aware that it’s not necessarily true, subconsciously looking up to someone who teaches you is normal and it is difficult to make it absolutely clear to yourself that these are just regular people when you only see or interact with them at their forte.

Another note is for those like me, up to this point of life “teachers” have been more or less those in schools who in some way or another deserved my respect, and has taught me more than the required text. So naturally you perceive those who teach would share these similarities. In the dance studio, that apparently is not the case. Not that I used to believe in whatever my teachers say without asking loads of questions, but I see so many people around me falling into this trap.

I became aware that anyone could be a teacher and they certainly don’t have to pass any morality test. Especially in this dance studio you have to really understand that most of the time the relationship between instructors and students is just a commercial provider-client relationship, not a teacher-student relationship you experienced in school (Unless you are talented or attractive or whatever, still a whole different relationship). They don’t have to care whether you do well or not and they don’t have to be sincere. So ultimately you must rely on your own judgment whenever anyone gives you comments and advice, especially those you admire for their talent and are naturally inclined to trust their opinions.

Second, I’ve learnt how to not treat everything so seriously. I don’t show it often but I am a very competitive person; I compare myself with almost everyone and I always want to be better even though I understand it’s impossible for someone to be good at everything. In dance, your performance is not directly proportional with time and effort. The longer I went to classes, the more pressure I had on myself because people who started were doing a lot better than I did… it did drive me to improve but I knew it shouldn’t affect me so much and I shouldn’t be thinking “oh I should have done better this way or that way” every single time the music stops.

It slowly dawn to me that dancing is just a recreational hobby of mine and it should be a way for me to relax, not stress over; I should be having fun and probably fun only. Understandably you want to do well in something you like, but you also have to learn who you should compare yourself with, and the importance of looking back and see where you were at the beginning and see how you yourself have progressed. One of my instructors said I lost that competitive streak I used to have, so that’s why I’m progressing slower than my peers. I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing anymore.

There are so much other things I got to think about, like individuality expressed with fashion (the fact that they think they are expressing individuality and good fashion sense when I, hmm really won’t like to comment on that), how to approach and interact with all sorts of different people; how to deal with stuck up people, being in an environment and surrounded by people you don’t identify with, the dynamics between “friends”, how aggressive, inconsiderate and impolite people can be…

Yesterday I looked at myself in front of the mirror while waiting for class to start. I really liked it that I don’t look nor act like a dancer because I love shocking people who think they Know my Type; It sometimes surprises me even when just a few seconds before the choreography starts I’m still this quiet together young lady (don’t laugh) and then I Move. Regardless of me doing it well or not, I still marvel the fact that this girl who dares to stand in front of the mirror dancing with a room full of “cool people”, is me @@. I also love that I get to let that other side of me out regularly, because frankly I don’t get to do that in normal life. If having a full time job later doesn’t make me too exhausted, I guess I won’t be stopping anytime soon.

So these two weeks…

Once that moment you have something particular that you wanted to say is gone, it’s gone.

 

I think… maybe I need help.

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I wish I were having those conversations with another person… is that okay?

 

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As predicted. I’m not going to be able to write as often in February, sigh.

 

Updates:

1. I went to see an eye doctor last week because my dryness and tiredness of my eyes are a nuisance and fearing that it will make my eyes more vulnerable to damage I wanted to have the problem fixed. I hope I would never have to wear glasses…

 

Since it’s public eye clinic the wait was long. I tried reading the posters about how we should protect our sight. Then I started to wonder if it were as easy to lose the ability to speak or smell as with sight, then I wonder if I had to choose, would I rather lose my sight or hearing, my hands or my feet… I obviously had too much time on my hands but didn’t feel like reading notes.

 

Turns out, the doctor said there’s no cure and I have to rely on eye drops for life. Thank you doctor, you made my day.

 

2. I’ve got calls from the studio, asking if I were free to perform. So on Wednesday me and all the dancers (20 people) from Yiu’s Jazz Funk ** went to HKIED as guest performers for their dance competition. On Tuesday there’s this “School Tour” and they wanted to perform the same routine, and there were only four of us since show time was at 8:30 AM and not many people could or be willing to make it. I wasn’t particular eager because it seems so much trouble only to gain performing experience… and it’s not like they chose me because I’m good @@. But then you don’t say no when you were asked to perform.

 

Turns out that School Tour practice was scary but educational, which I didn’t expect because it was basically just a demo in high schools. We get to learn and execute the routine better because Yiu actually watched the four of us and pointed out what we did wrong and we kept on practicing, while for the annual performance he just gave us positions, play the track a few times, and that’s it. I think there are very few people in my life that makes me feel genuinely intimidated and Yiu is one of the few, so I guess it’s a good thing that this time he can’t ignore me and I can the chance to get over my fear (unsuccessfully…). Bo kept on giving Yiu random remarks, which I guess was his way of making us relax.

 

School tour… the floor was so slippery and there’s so many turns in the combination the only thought on my head was “don’t fall flat on the floor”, so I didn’t do as well as I could (Thank God Yiu wasn’t there to see…). Since I didn’t want to head school in such a rush I decided to go have breakfast with the others (Jojo, Regina, Quinchy and Bo).  Bo gave me some comments… …. … weird.

 

3. I went to have a buffet lunch with Molly, Bonnie and Daphne last Saturday. So I did get my buffet ^^. From what I’ve learnt from our conversation is that I’m too strong, too logical, too patient and too calm to be approachable. Aren’t these supposed to be good traits to have? Of course I wouldn’t like to give people the impression that I need to rely on others or I need to be taken care of; who would want that @@?? And when did I ever give people the impression that I’m too logical?! I’m not sure the way I think things over deserves that kind of a compliment @@.

 

Oh, after the buffet I ran into Cass giving out promotion stickers of the Standard Charter Marathon. Needless to say I got extra stickers, haha ^^.

 

 

So lately in dancing…

I’m beginning to realize it’s not time that I have; it’s the unwillingness to face work, the temptation of procrastinating.

 

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First it was just one carton; now it’s two cartons of chocolate milk at a time. Not only it does nothing it keep me warm (I’m drinking it cold), it’s also pretty expensive, when you know at the newly renovated Park N Shop in school, a can of cream soda only costs $2.9 and that chocolate milk costs $5.1… So time for me to go cold turkey…

 

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I wonder if it was because of the song (Usher’s “What’s a man to do”), I had such a good time in Bo’s hip hop today. Today, first time ever did I not care how I executed the choreography; I just enjoyed the music ^^~. I should keep on with this attitude really; so what if I suck? It’s just a hobby and I shouldn’t constantly think “I should do better” and stuff @@. But then that’s the way I am (I can do better/I’m not good enough… etc.)… and it’s natural to want to do better in something you like. I’m just kind of happy that the idea of me not good enough no longer bothers me (in the context of dancing).

 

I originally thought after AP I would start taking more classes again. Despite being restless, I lost the desire (or I’m just plain lazy) to go to the ones that I’ve missed since November / December. Now that Leung and Siu May has left for NYC and wouldn’t come back till mid February, I’d be only going to Yiu’s Jazz Funk on Wednesday and Bo’s Hip Hop on Saturday… and probably Friday’s class too until February cos it appears that Bo isn’t going to teach Pop Jazz anymore.

 

After the frequent egging from Jojo’s part, I’ve finally tried out the other studio in CWB. Maybe it’s the change of environment, or because no one knows me there, I felt a lot more comfortable and relaxed. Even though I could barely remember half of the routine and I messed up rather obviously @@, I still had a good time. I guess it’s time for me to train my memory… I kept going to classes that I didn’t really need to make an effort to remember the steps (or maybe I just got used to the instructor’s style)… So I guess 2009 really is the year of change ^^.

 

Either it’s been a long time since I properly danced or classes have been a lot more vigorous lately because my whole body is unusually sore, especially my back… wait a minute… @@!!!?!?!?!? Oh my god am I Old ?!?!

 

Honestly I’m in love with the song… I’m still waiting myself to get tired of it from my infinite replays ^.~.

Annual Performance

Generally I think sexiness doesn’t mean showing a lot of flesh; I always liked subtle sexiness cos in a way it’s classier and it creates a more “mysterious” image and therefore more intriguing.

 

When I see young girls dance, trying to be sexy; wearing “sexy” clothes and do these sexy moves (especially the moves), I find it really disturbing… probably first of all they look uncomfortable and awkward; second, I felt that young girls, like from 11 to 17, are suppose to be cute and pretty (adjectives for girls), but not sexy or beautiful (adjectives for women @@). So when I see them moving in such a style which basically invites people to be sexually interested at them I feel disgusted. I don’t have a problem about them having sex (a lot of them do and brag about it), but to be openly “inviting”? That’s a whole different story.

 

That’s probably one of the reasons I’m not comfortable allowing my friends (ones that I didn’t meet from dancing) to see me dance… cos that’s not how they know me. And I don’t even take those classes which were more suggestive @@; I tend to only go to classes taught by guys @@.

 

It sometimes amazes me how I could stay in an environment where there is just so much I’m don’t feel good about, or even against of.

 

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This year’s AP feels… different. First, I was totally unaware that the AP was on this weekend. Second in the past APs I used to lose a lot of weight (because of the many practices and I kept going to all my regular class, all of which made me too tired and I lost my appetite; but I was so busy with school work in December that I stopped going to a lot of them @@). Third, I was not at all stressed or nervous and I couldn’t get myself to focus or treat practices seriously…

 

It was until on Saturday (first day of the show) when we had a full run of the show did the message “today is it!” sunk in. Then I watch the routine for Lyrical Jazz and remembered how every time I see the dance routine I would be so moved and wanted so much to improve and be one of those dancers some day. It remind me why I want to continue dancing.

 

The whole weekend, and even when we were on show, it was just so casual and probably no longer special to me. It wasn’t because I do this all the time, but maybe it’s because during the practices no one was trying to make us perform better; it was all about the pattern (where we position ourselves)… and that I felt how the people were allocated wasn’t fair at all… but it’s all done now. I like performing, but like life in general, it’s not about being fair.

Weekend

Lillian canceled on me Again and rescheduled (and canceled eventually). Saturday classes in IDS… same question I ask myself every week: hmm, I don’t know if I could handle taking two classes in a row. Originally I planned to practice with Jojo but even before class I knew I wasn’t up for it so in the end I went home a tad earlier. I met Adrian later on that evening, which was pleasantly surprising but with a somewhat sad twist.

 

Never thought I would conclude everything in one sentence @@.

 

Since I wasn’t capable of thinking straight that night and felt exceptionally warm and nice, I went to bed before 12, which hadn’t happen for a long long time (after typing this I realize I should adjust my sleeping hours…). The next day I was strangely not-sleepy that my mom asked what was up @@.

 

Not particular chatty I went to Poly U with the others and see what Bo had in mind for us in the studio’s annual performance this year. 4 hours later, being deadly quiet, I left, feeling devastated. For some reason, I was banished to the sides, and at the back. I was never particularly confident in dancing, but when I say it, I know that I’m truly not bad in this choreography. However, judging how the Saturday classes have been, at the back of my mind I know I’m not going to be happy when the post is also given. I knew I wouldn’t be in the center or anything. That’s fine, sure, no problem, I wasn’t aiming for that. All I wanted was somewhere that my mom could see me clearly. But never would I have thought that I would be in a worse position than last year, when I first started taking that class and wasn’t even able to get to choreography down. Mid way of the practice and rehearsal, I just give up caring. Disappointed, yep; Pissed off, very. Pissed off because I Allowed this to happen; I’ve should have done a lot better, to an extend that there was no excuse for treating me like this.

 

There is a slight problem about not caring. Back in the days when I actually do care, I have this anger, this drive to prove everyone wrong (and even regret for the things they’ve done to me) and it was a strong force that kept me going. Now somehow there’s no real strong emotions left inside of me, and my drive is down the sink.

 

 I’m beginning to see a problem @@.

Sunday

I’ve been starting a new class on Sunday (Hip Hop with a guy groove…). I’ve realized two things, because of this class. One: I hate it when people waste my time for me; Two: my dress code has gone through some changes.

What I don’t like about this class is that it’s on Sunday (the day of rest) and the tutor is constantly late (out of the seven classes I’ve been to, he was late for more then 13 minutes for at least four of them). It’s not like I don’t have anything else to do. I’m not saying I don’t do a good job in wasting my own time, but it Is My Time to waste and I don’t need anyone to do that for me, thank you very much. Fortunately he was punctual last Sunday (because the class before ended late), so right now I’m not as pissed off as I was the week before. It was understandable when his class was on Wednesday and he had to rush over right after work and the traffic was bad, but it was Sunday, and isn’t time supposed to be a lot more manageable when it’s your day off?
The happy thing is that I could finally relax in that class cos I got used to it and before that I had a hard time, being conscious of how I’ve been doing, and with a new tutor (to me). I always forget that all I have to do, is to Relax and Enjoy myself. I’ll just see how it goes. I know I could learn a lot from him… and so far I’m beginning to enjoy the class more and more, but let’s hope it keeps on being that way.

But seriously, be 15 minutes late for a couple more times (maybe just one more time) and I will quit coming entirely.

After my first two classes I began to realize what I usually wear to dance would make me really self conscious. My well-fit dance gear are really on the more feminine and subtle side, whereas as this class is all about… grabbing your crotch, moving like a street-smart guy, and all that @@ (Okay, so now he hasn’t done any crotch grabbing moves yet, but I’m not holding my breath).

So now I’m wearing my sleeping clothes instead. My sleeping clothes — big colorful tees, one in brilliant red, and another in bright pink with “HIP HOP” (not intentional) printed on the front. It just came to me that I wear more colors when I go to sleep than when I go out @@. When I was in secondary school I avoid wearing Red. Now I like red but avoid pink at all costs. Anyway I’m just sharper and bigger than usual. I usually don’t wear big t-shirts to dance because you can’t really see what your body is actually doing, and it traps too much air inside and it’s already stuffy, smelly and hot inside the room. You don’t need a second layer of hot air surrounding you.

It’s funny really, for me to wear clothes in a straight-forward hip hop style when I usually avoid wearing things that make me look like a dancer @@.

Yea I’m weird like that. I hate being branded. (And I don’t like torn shirts cos most of the time it looks trashy and a nuisance to wear, and big earrings hits you on the face… Sense over fashion, any day.)

Oh, and I bought a new pair of shoes (a month ago). I needed a pair with thicker soles (my New Balance pair wore out just after a few months because the head/tip wasn’t made to rub the floor) and until this class it wasn’t urgently needed…

I got mine in a bargain: K-Swiss at HK$320 (honestly, K-Swiss isn’t a cheap brand), not a new design but who cares, I like it; it’s simple and down-to-earth… I even like that it’s a old design because now there would be fewer people wearing it (Yay). However the down side is that it’s one size too big for me (they didn’t have my size with the color I wanted). I experimented at home and in the studio, while we had to wait for the tutor to come (15 to 20 minutes Late the week before last), swinging my legs and doing high kicks to see if the shoes would come off and hit the mirror. To my utter disappointment It didn’t (yea…), so I thought it should be okay.

My shoes slipped off while we were doing some Hip Hop warm up steps last week and it made the class very very happy.

So now I just have to remember to just chill in my other classes… @@

Crestfallen Sunday

Do I always have to be crestfallen on Sunday?

I went to Sai B’s class today in IDS. Quite apparently I attend his class only because of his style. I didn’t enjoy his classes much. First it’s because he’s scary. Second is because he reminds me Everything I’m Bad At. This might need some explaining to do.

I’m not very good at dancing. I have a poor memory and a body that isn’t cut out for the stage. The reason I’m a mediocre dancer right now is because a few years ago I was Determine to prove I wasn’t a Hopeless case to those instructors who didn’t give me a second glance. So now I’ve lost my determination.

Anyway he’s this really hip hop guy and his moves and routine has this kind of style, this kind of groove that is hard for me to pick up. Maybe I’m hard on myself, but sincerely I’ve been dancing for so long, I shouldn’t be doing so Poorly. He did this Evil Eye thing that Yiu does to me all the time – whenever he was forced to look at me. And that he always blocks my way on the mirror like Yiu does *HIT x 1*. Then he had to use PHYSICS to explain some of the steps *HIT x 2*. This isn’t his first time to use Physics to explain. For people who Actually Know who I am KNOWS that Physics has always been cruel to me; we never seen to meet eye to eye.

Then he used a Chinese term or something that I didn’t really understand. I asked the guy next to me and he shrugged. The instructor somehow heard me and Explained what it meant. His exact wordings were “the term is of F.6 F.7 Level Chinese”… *HIT x 3 – 3 Hits, K.O.*. Okay, so all this time I know I’ve been stereotyping – that dance instructors aren’t really academically bright. He proved me wrong.

I know he wasn’t doing this on purpose, but little did he know that he was reminding me how much of a failure I am in both dancing and academically. I always thought it was a blessing, but now I’m not sure if it was God’s way to playing tricks on me when He had me enrolled to HKU. Just this Friday I had to hand in an assignment. Fortunately I ran into my classmates, and that one of them flipped over my work to check if we had the same answers. It turns out that my calculation was completely wrong. I, trying to seem unmoved, asked for his work so I would know how to change my answers. All the way then I was thinking: we went to the same lesson, how could I make such a big mistake? If it wasn’t because of him, I would have failed in this assignment.

There’s dancing. Lately I’ve been thinking of cutting classes because I didn’t really have much time to waste nor money to burn. This month’s expenses were greater than expected. I’m not doing better in Bo’s class and I’m starting to give up. Yesterday Pauline made a comment about Bo being sexist because he said something about guys dance better than girls because of they have greater strength and therefore the way they portray the routine would be a lot more powerful. I had always thought that he was sexist. Long before, I kind of made it a point by trying to put more energy on the steps just to prove that girls can be as good as guys (I’m a feminist and darn proud of it, haha). Now I’ve just lost all my will to do better in his class.

I’ve tried telling myself that I don’t want to be a professional dancer, so I don’t have to improve and I don’t have to care so much. There are days that I think I should just give up and focus on my future. But then I remember the day I woke up, the first thought that come to my head was that if I don’t start now I never would. It was the first time in my life that I seriously think of dancing, something I’ve always Hated. For everything I’ve done, I set myself a standard, and I can never abandon that part of myself for having expectations.

I always had this urge to prove myself. That urge, that determination has saved my life all too many times… going to college, student union, A-Levels, going to HKU… I was always a rebellious person. The more you brand me, the more I want to break that perception. Now I need my determination and rebellious streak back, for both my academic life and dance are too important for me at this stage to simply wave my white flag and surrender.

Not Thin, the new Obese in Hong Kong.

Today I was in Shatin, being alone, minding my own business and was on my way to the bus stop, when suddenly a young woman approached me. She, in her cunning way, strike up a conversation with me and gave me a brochure on losing weight. She said it wasn’t all about losing weight, but also other health problems, like skin. I asked her how she picked her targets (aka victims) to talk to. She gave me a vague answer, saying that she also talks to thin people about the company that helped her. She gave me a lot of Before After pictures. Anyway, I was wearing makeup today; supposedly I was less conscious of myself looking bad in any way, and that I Know I can look really Hostile when I don’t smile, especially with make up on (that’s what you get with naturally small but piercing eyes). Therefore, she ruined my day, by reminding me I have to lose weight. (Because I Do Not have any obvious Skin problems, especially with make up on.)

Then last week, just on my usual route from the MTR to the dance studio, I was bothered twice by the gang of Evil Women, who kept on tapping my shoulder, and asked “Missy…?!??!?!”. Evil Women Gang asks people questions about their size, their salary, and asked if they were interested in modeling clothes. Hallo? I’m not thin, but I’m not obese, pregnant, nor stupid. With hips my size I can barely find jeans that doesn’t look like my second layer of skin. I’m so short that every time we talk to people, Jojo always blocks me horizontally (not on purpose hopefully). Me modeling? Quoting Dorothy Koomson’s The Chocolate Run (or The Cupid Effect, I forgot) – “Haha bloody ha”. Right now I just shrug off their hand and walk past them without breaking a sweat. Needless to say, they still pissed me off immensely and I actually wanted to be physical when dealing with them (like breaking their arm). I understand they’re just doing their job, but seriously, they bother me (and I believe many others) a lot.

Okay, so I’ve gain weight, big deal. I can always lose it. But what bothers me is that I know at this moment of time I don’t Urgently Need to lose weight, but I am somehow “told” by Random Strangers that I should. That always damages my already chipped self-confidence. Quite possibly, if it wasn’t because of dancing, I’d probably stop because my face looks too thin to match my built and I have low blood pressure. I’m not saying I’m more than 50% satisfied with my figure, but I cope by being a normal, financially challenged, stubborn young adult (teenager no longer works for me, does it? Being 21 already @@).

Maybe for Hong Kong standards I’m on the pathway of being obese.

Now that’s scary thought. If that’s the case, I can just give up. In fact, I’m on my way; I just had a cheesecake with my bowl of noodles for dinner.