Luck/unlucky beginning of a new year?

The way “Random Luck” works in my life is very similar to health levels/points you get in video games; it increases in time or is “full” at the beginning, and it lowers when it’s used. Honestly I could recall a few occasions of myself picking up dollar bills on the streets and then spend the next day tripping on my own feet.

I spent the first morning of 2010 playing mahjong with Apple, her sister Rainbow and boyfriend, and occasionally with Apple’s mom. I slowly realized I had a disadvantage: I was the only one who was going to lose money, because I was playing against a whole family…

Playing mahjong usually involves a lot of skills and calculation, but then since most of the time I just want to have fun (and not use my brain), I just let my luck do all the playing and that has always worked out for me… apparently I’ve been using up a lot of luck in 2009 because I was let down that night.

How good was my luck in mahjong actually? Back in high school, I hated playing with my classmates (who all were studying Pure or Applied Math at the time) because just a few turns later they could correctly predict my whole hand (consisting of 13 tiles). Despite all that I didn’t lose very often because I was lucky. One guy who wasn’t playing decided to observe how I played. He was dumbfounded for my lack of concern when I was carelessly throwing tiles I didn’t need away. After a few rounds he commented on how I always got the tiles I wanted/needed while drawing new ones, which I kind of took for granted.

For the whole night all the hands I got sucked big time and there were very little I could make up for the lack of luck with technique. But then at the very end I won twice in a row; one of them being a 十三么 (the thirteen terminal hand, as said in Wikipedia @@), the highest scoring hand, the hand that the older generation had warned us never to play because it was incredibly unlucky (but has nothing to do with the number 13), the hand that few people witnessed it to be won (the other three had to double check my hand)… So I’ve managed to save myself from being the biggest loser before catching the overnight train back home.

Don’t know if that was any indication of my coming year. Anyway, Happy New Year Jennifer.

Communication is hard.

On Thursday night, Cass Elaine and Apple came over to Sheung Wan to have “women talk” as ever since Apple came back from London the four of us haven’t really hang out together. Originally I thought it was just dinner and they coming up to see my new place (so they will know if it’s possible to host thanksgiving dinner here on the floor). It was only later that evening did I know they were planning to stay over for the night (and I had no cushions or pillows to make them feel comfy…), but everything worked out itself.

 

They had fun marveling how weird (and big) my place is, how it’s more like an office than a residence; how almost everything edible was expired (I didn’t let them know I threw away cans of soup because they’ve expired for a few years too…); how I had jars of peanut butter and very little food around the apartment; how my clothes were all on the floor because there were no furniture… etc.

 

We were talking about high school; both Apple and I studied in TIC for seven years, Cass and Elaine for two; Apple and I were classmates for two years, had the same art classes with Cass for the two last years, and none with Elaine. We just found out that Elaine and Cass, as two people from somewhere else, found the way TIC people think odd. We might land on the same conclusions sometimes, but turns out the way our minds work are very different from other people… which I guess is something I (and Apple) would never understand why.

 

******

The night progressed. Things got emotional. Just this morning Edith made fun of me when she correctly predicted that I would sound as neutral as possible when it comes to people, and that night when we were talking about Apple’s year in London and the “quiet dispute” between her, Edith and some others I also tried not to take sides. It was difficult because I understood both of them in different ways; I knew how Edith operates, the hidden messages in her words, or how she deals with people, whilst I knew how Apple thinks and rationalizes things. Both are my dearest friends and now the argument was why didn’t they “communicate” in a straightforward manner. The funny thing was, what was Straightforward to one wasn’t to another.

 

As I’ve realized our behavior or our modes of thinking don’t really change or mature over time; refined, maybe, but rarely do change, especially after I’ve read my diary eight years ago (a month worth of entries can contain so much…). It wasn’t only me, but apparently my friends still possessed the same behavioral patterns or idiosyncrasies eight years ago. I knew Edith for ten years (OMG ten years??!?!) and we used to be frenemies – every now and then we get into small quarrels, then occasionally a big dramatic fight and later make up. The way we communicated were through various metaphors, stories even, analogies, puns… anything short of Straightforward. We were civil to each other face to face, doing nothing out of ordinary, but at times talking in “codes” or just good old sarcasm; the more obvious moves were our “statuses”, names, infos on ICQ and blogs. After a few years later when I looked back at some of the stuff we wrote to each other (I saved a copy of almost everything digital…) and it appeared to me that we were arguing completely different things, despite everything making sense at the time.

 

Now that we’re older and supposedly wiser, we don’t do that anymore (actually I think it’s because of the lack of opportunity). However, whenever I talk to her or anyone that we used to hang out with, I read into their words more than others would have in certain contexts, especially when we were all so used to talk in a sarcastic manner. That was how we communicate, and therefore often confusing many others. And that was how Apple got confused and the whole big mess started.  She wasn’t used to that particular mode of communication and therefore had no idea she was in a midst of a fight when it was “obvious” to other people.

 

While Cass and Elaine were trying to make Apple see things their way in order for her to understand exactly what she has got herself into (though all three of us acknowledge the fact that both parties were at fault and no one was guilt free), I found myself deciding that immediate confrontations/communication is not always good. I told them that, exactly, about how it was between me and Apple right after the student union gig. We could hardly address one another without being vividly angry / irritated. It was after things cooled down, we avoided directly working with each other for awhile and things started to improve. The cooling down took almost two years. I didn’t know about Apple but I blatantly avoided talking about the year we had to work together in the student union because I wasn’t ready to talk about it nor did I believe she was either. Just recently, four to five years later (@@ why does everything take so long?!?!), I carefully tiptoed around the subject and most of the problems we had are finally resolved. So there are times you need to wait before talking it over with someone else; there are some things to be handled delicately. I wasn’t sure if this is one of the occasions, but if it is anything as serious as the others were making it out to be, then probably they should give it more time.

 

The next morning, Apple walked me to work and she told me her thoughts on the whole situation. There are certain people she knows she can really communicate without getting out of her way to find words to express certain things, because they get her (one of them is me, yay!). I told her, that Tannessa and I have that too, and when we were in school , we would just look at each other, smile, and went on doing whatever we were doing because we’ve already “communicated” with just our facial expressions (which was so often and out in the open that it weirded the guy in between us out). Also there were also times when we barely needed to complete our sentences and we knew what each other was thinking (actually I think they weren’t sentences… all there were, were exclamations and various snorts and grunts). Having that with someone is great, but that (at the very least to me) spoiled me, as I no longer need to word exactly what I think or how I feel. I don’t even have to use nouns or verbs in dialogues anymore. With Apple, our values and ways of thinking are very similar, allowing abstract concepts to be effectively, if not efficiently shared. However, that’s probably not the mode of communication we should depend on with other people.

 

At the risk of stating the obvious, communication is hard; and we can’t help witnessing it all too often.

 

Cursed and Blinded 的女孩子 – V

最好的方法, 就是忘記.

*********

 

最後我還是答應和他去遠足.

最後那女生也沒有去.

在旺角集合, 我看到他的朋友們, 我就知道我大鑊了.

因為他們是遠足老手, 穿爬山專用的衣服, 帶爬山用具.

而我已穿了我最厚的衣服… 就是我返學的外套.

所以我要買另一件.

 

一團五個人上山, 很暗很冷, 而且是第一次.

不過也頗好玩 . (下次還是不要上這樣高這麼遠. 我可是新手呀, 要慢慢來呀…)

哈, 我,他和他的哥哥走了兩個小時就到山頂了.

終於找到位置坐 ( 很多人都在等日出 ).

真的很大風… 他要我坐在他的前面, 背對住他,

讓他把被圍住我倆, 不讓大風直接吹打我們的臉.

在我不為意的時候, 他吻我. 是真真正正的吻我.

我嚇壞了, 哈哈.

不知道為什麼他最後會突然這樣做…

( 後悔也不要賴我呀! 我沒有逼他呀! )

第一次遠足, 第一次看日出… 很多的第一次.

 

他臨走前的前一天 (大概五天後), 和他去南丫島.

我不記得我最後一次躺下, 甚麼也不需要擔心, 甚麼也不需要要想, 是幾時.

我們在涼風陽光下, 我靜靜的望天望海, 他就應該睡著吧 ( 雖然是我前晚不記得因為甚麼沒睡 ).

結果他的哥和朋友來後, 在他們在談天的時候我發白日夢.

但我記得, 比起他和他的朋友們, 我太孤陋寡聞, 見識太狹窄… 唉.

( 這也不是我沒自信, 只是我自己知自己事吧. )

 

和他的朋友吃送別飯. 我坐在他的對面, 望住的卻是他身旁的女生.

她, 很吵很高音的聲音. 每兩句不是罵他就是發 “可愛”的脾氣,

而且常常依在他的身撒嬌.

我望住她, 真的笑了出聲… 為什麼會有這樣的女生的? 她也是喜歡他吧… =___=

心想, 這個麻煩鬼… 若果他真的留下我真的要想清楚要不要和他一起.

又想, 他會交這樣的朋友… 他是不是有問題的呀…

望住那女生又吵又鬧, 很有娛樂性 ( 我是會取笑別人的… ).

我會想, 為什麼我不是這樣的女生…?

奇怪的是我沒有妒嫉她 ( 我也沒有妒嫉另外喜歡他的女生, 但我天生妒嫉心重的… 真奇怪 ),

若果他是喜歡和這種女生交往的, 那我會真心祝福他呀 ( 但我想我會看不起他 ).

 

他走的那一天, 沒做甚麼. 去了他的宿舍, 和他哥伴他坐在飯堂等夠鐘去機場.

我們也很蕭洒的告別就走人.

返家的路途上, 失落感才漸漸開始來.

覺得我可能不會再遇上像他的人了.

我已經沒幾可會喜歡上別人, 現在也只會難上加難.

我發現, 從他告白到他離開, 真的剛剛好一個月, 六號.

 

Msn 見到他, 就想和他說話, 但我沒有甚麼特別想告訴他.

自己忍不住, 久不久就會上facebook 看他的近況.

見到那吵鬧的女生不斷留言 ( 不斷撒嬌 ).

眼看她的厚面皮, 又想起另外那個女的.

我想, 女生喜歡男生, 都會痛苦的嗎?

我不知道他可以做甚麼好讓他們好過點, 但… 唉.

 

不喜歡自己未能很快放下他. 我也無意之中留意他有沒有帶那軍牌

( 我一路都知道是不應送鏈的… 唉 ).

有帶, 會無奈; 沒帶, 鬆一口氣之中也帶點失望.

我也在 msn 改了通知選項, 不讓自己留意到誰在線上.

( 科技昌明, 令人沒法真正離開你的人生吧. )

突然我也決定, 不再帶他的戒指, 因為我要開始忘記他了.

後來, 我才發現, 那天剛好是三十一號, 他送我戒指後的一個月.

 

我記得我是在地鐵突然決定把戒指拿下.

我記得那晚, 我去了大尾篤, 我離開友人們, 在碼頭邊坐了很久.

望天望海, 真的很舒服… 終於得到心神上的寧靜.

 

我生日, 是我換戒指的日子. 我還是不可能只帶他的戒指,

所以兩只戒指也有帶.

但帶了差不多兩個星期, 在歐洲旅行時,

我發現我對那戒指有敏感, 手會痕癢會紅會甩皮.

哈, 看來我是不適合有 “希望”的.

 

返來後, 改掉了我從前的這些壞習慣.

沒再留意他的行蹤.

我, 放下他了.

他, 也告訴我, 他和別的女生交往.

我從心的為他高興.

 

但我們不知道幾時開始, 會電郵給對方…

現在我在想, 把他在我生命中徹底刪除, 是最理性的做法吧?

以前的短訊, 我都狠狠的刪除.

戒指, 我也把它收起來.

他是 “理性”主義者. 互相刪除, 會對我, 對他最好吧, 不是嗎…?

 

******

雖然有很多東西你永遠都不會忘記,

但只是要找到方法不再想它, 那麼就好等於忘記了.

Cursed and Blinded 的女孩子 – IV

我受過的傷, 就不希望其他人和我有同樣的經歷.

所以, 我寧願為無關痛癢的人受苦, 也不要他們痛.

*******

 

有一晚和他的朋友在麥當勞談天.

一男一女, 兩人我都不認識.

我在感情方面很笨, 沒辦法像其他女生一樣, 能敏銳的感受或觀察到誰喜歡誰.

但只是少於半個小時的交談, 聽到他們三人一起做過的事, 說話方式,

我趁機問他, 她是不是喜歡他.

他笑, 說前兩天也有人告訴他這個.

我說, 若果我也看得出, 那就真的真的很明顯了.

 

眼見時間越來越短, 而我們沒四五天都不會見面.

我忍不住覺得他在戲弄我, 說我是他很難得遇上的女生, 只是誇張吧.

我每次想他, 就會覺得自己很愚蠢, 想為什麼我要這樣介懷.

他不緊張, 為什麼我要緊張?

只要一想到他, 腦海就跳出“愚蠢, 愚蠢, 愚蠢!”“你很笨呀! 真的很笨!”這兩句.

但不知道為什麼, 只要他在身邊, 這些疑慮就會消失.

 

我也不明白為什麼我會這樣相信他, 為什麼我會覺得在他身邊會感到很安全.

但我的理智不容許我這樣輕易, 這樣盲目的相信一個人呢.

他治我的, 是他的擁抱吧 ( “擁抱”這種東西, 真的很危險. 所以當初推開他是理智的. )

那天晚上和他的哥哥吃完飯, 他送我回家.

他告訴我, 他想真正的吻我, 但不能.

我問為什麼.

他的該死原因, 是因為這樣做就會超越我們應該有的底線.

我想告訴他, 我不希望我唯一吻過的人是我不喜歡他, 他也不喜歡我的人.

不過我沒說呀… 因為我不想逼他做他會後悔的事.

 

聖誕節, 和他的朋友在他宿舍看電影. 真是超不浪漫.

但因為我想見他, 即使要有其他人, 也算了.

那個喜歡他的女生也在這裡. 在她身上我看到我四五年前的倒影.

看到她見到我在這裡, 不快樂的樣子,

我倒有點希望他喜歡的人是她不是我, 因為我也試過她這個感覺.

我已不是讓情情愛愛這種東西影響我太多的人,

但, 怎樣都會有點不開心吧.

 

看完第一套, 已經零晨三點. 再播另一套, 其他人已返房睡覺.

我呢, 沒車返家, 所以就留在他的房間, 只有我們兩個人.

有種 De javu 的感覺…

那晚我在他的懷中睡了.

我想, 對上一次是四年前…

他和以前的兩個混蛋真的很似.

難度, 我真的永遠只會喜歡混蛋嗎; 他是混蛋嗎? 他會傷害我嗎?

 

聖誕節後他要完成學校的專題研習, 很煩很大壓力, 所以我不敢打擾他.

短訊也只會說, 加油的鼓勵說話.

他就告訴我那女生多次找他, 例如買飯盒給他.

而且他也和另一位舊同學 (女的) 吃飯.

我沒有呷醋, 只是覺得我可以做的已做了. 我不會改變我這樣多…

( 我也不懂要做送飯這些事情呀… 這也是女朋友才會做的, 不是嗎? )

加上他身邊, 女的這樣多, 若我要呷醋, 那麼我一定會早死的…

再想, 他和其他女生的歷史, 他的為人…

我突然覺得, 他要離開香港, 對我來說, 可能是最好的結果.

因為, 我覺得我會是默默接受他一切, 心在倘血也不知道自己受傷了的那一位.

 

我早就有送他禮物的打算. 畢竟, 我們可能永遠也不會再見.

但我想了很久也沒有頭緒.

聖誕節那晚, 知道他床頭有布公仔.

他的朋友問他是誰送, 他很大概的說, 是一個朋友給他, 來代替這位朋友保護他.

後來我再問他, 他告訴我, 是他喜歡但已明花有主的女生給他.

我呢, 是不會送別人他們已收過的禮物…

我也不會自我為是的想我在他心中的位置有多重, 不會需要他永遠記得我.

布公仔他每天都會見到, 每天都會伴他…

我不想鎖住他, 防他以後的可以全心全意的喜歡別人.

 

想了很久… 想送刻字的鐵鎖匙扣. ( 哈, 真的很土. )

我希望他會用它來扣住他的家匙,

每天在不知不覺間使用它,

默默的, 環住能帶給他溫暖, 幸福, 快樂的家.

默默的, 代我祝福他.

 

終於給我找到刻字的店舖, 比我想像的難找.

它沒有鎖匙扣, 只有頸鏈 (軍牌).

頸鏈我不敢送… 因為太私人, 也太明顯了.

比那布公仔更有 “霸地盤” 的感覺. (哈)

所以我另外買了鎖匙扣的扣, 好讓他換.

這個軍牌不便宜, 不過這是我唯一給他的禮物, 所以不要緊吧.

( 我其實想了很久, 究竟送不送.

這個傢伙完全沒有意思要臨別前珍惜能和我見面的機會… =_=

不過我不理, 我送是因為我想送, 哼. )

 

在正面, 刻了 “冇問題”, 因為這是他中文最喜歡的句子. ( 那老板娘在笑我刻這幾個字 ),

在背面, 刻了 當人生有些事情是“冇問題”的相反時,

若這有幫助的話, 就記得有一個愛睡的女孩永遠都會關心他的. ( 哈, “女孩”啊. )

我連我的名字也沒有留呀, 哈.

因為, 我不需要他記得我. 我記得就行.

 

他約我除夕和他的朋友們一起遠足, 上鳳凰山看新年的第一個日出.

他也在沒辦法的情況下, 要邀請這位喜歡他的女生 ( 她也送了一個布公仔給他… … =_=).

沒見他已有五天. 我已去到一個地步, 覺得他見不見我也沒所謂, 所以我也無謂介懷.

就早點道別吧.

告訴他我不去遠足, 因為我怕尷尬, 不希望我想落跑時不能這樣做

 ( 覺得無謂要再令自己見那女生, 令自己不舒服 ).

也告訴他我有東西給他.

因為想送他那鎖匙扣, 不得不再見面.

他因為我不去, 和我買了禮物給他… 又生氣了. ( 真不明白他為什麼這麼容易生氣的. )

 

除夕那天下午, 約他在我家樓下.

因為我需要洗澡 ( 家只有冷水, 十二月呀… 所以要白天, 身還暖的時候盡快洗澡… ).

他誤會我不去是因為我們聖誕節一起睡,

( 拜託, 只是一起睡覺吧, 又沒有做了甚麼越軌的事呀, 有甚麼好尷尬呀 =_= )

我問他, 有甚麼好尷尬呀?

他說, 不知道你呀.

他誤會我送禮物是因為那女生送了禮物給他.

( 拜託, 她送禮物和我有甚麼關係呀… =_______= )

( 寫到這兒, 我發現他真的滿不了解我… )

 

我給他那個軍牌/鎖匙扣, 告訴他我本來想送鎖匙扣,

但那店舖沒有, 所以要自己把鏈換鎖匙扣.

他, 說他當它做鏈, 不做鎖匙扣.

( 哈, 他原來不知道 “冇問題”的中文是這樣寫的. 他上的中文課究竟有沒有用的啊…? )

臨走, 他望到我沒帶戒指, 我告訴他我在家中不會帶.

他走到我房間, 拿走我放在桌上的戒指, 把它收在手裡.

我又再次逗他 “乖啦”, 動手動腳就是想把他的手掌打開.

 

經我多番的努力, 他終於打開手了… 但我見的卻是另一只戒指.

我呆著, 拿起那戒指看. 在戒指內面刻了 “希望; 你值得的 ”.

我沒法想到我可以說些甚麼; 我的腦又再次空白一片.

我唯一懂做的, 就是在他的臉上害羞的親了一下.

( 完全感受到他那時在取笑我那幼稚的吻呀 >< )

他希望這戒指能代替我另一只 “沒有希望” 的戒指.

 

我再出門時, 望著那兩個戒指.

我無法一下子放下我多年來的防衛, 但又真的想相信他, 我是應該擁有希望的.

結果我做了一個很俗氣的事, 就是兩個都戴.

就算放不下防衛, 我還見到希望的存在.

我真的真的很想相信他…

 

*******

我寧願自己痛, 也不要其他人痛, 更不想我關心愛護的人痛.

Cursed and Blinded 的女孩子 – III

我是一個很坦白的人, 我不怕別人不喜歡我的意見,

但我原來極怕當我把自己表露無唯的時候, 會令人生氣, 令人不喜歡我

*****

 

就是我的坦白, 令我提起我還沒辦法相信他真的喜歡我 (兩天後).

結果令他發怒. 最糟的是我也明白為什麼他會生氣.

他問我想他怎樣証明我才能相信.

我告訴他, 他無法証明, 我也不需要他証明, 因為這是我自身的問題.

我沒告訴他, 因為我入毒太深, 無法相信別人會對我有朋友以外的情愛.

有一晚我突然叫他不要找我, 他又生氣…

我後來解釋因為我怕他累, 而且只會見一個小時, 所以還是不要來.

他無奈的說: 你, 真的不知道我真的喜歡你呀…

 

約了返學校, 在他的實驗室溫書 ( 溫電腦科… ><: ).

只有我們兩人, 所以他播歌伴我們溫書.

聽到一首歌, 他感觸了, 就突然擁我入懷, 說他需要一個擁抱.

他頭痛, 拉了幾把椅, 把頭躺在我的大腿上歇息.

我笑想, 小時候我的弟弟們不舒服的時候, 我也會讓他們躺在我的大腿上.

我想, 或許我當姐姐當朋友會更稱職呢.

至少我會較多機會給他他缺乏了的家庭溫暖;

較多機會可以照顧他.

 

我溫電腦科溫得很慢… 他在我每溫完兩三份筆記, 就考我舊試卷的問題.

唉, 不知道為什麼, 我不想他知道我是多麼的笨, 多麼的不聰明.

我不想令人對我失去耐性… 從而在他身邊我產生了無形的壓力.

加上, 從我知道他喜歡我後, 在他身旁我的腦不能正常運作.

我對這樣的改變感到很不舒服…

再加上, 他喜歡我是因為我的奇怪腦, 所以它更加不可突然給我休工…

( 他不斷告訴我他不看女生的外表… 我想說, 他很笨.

沒有女生都喜歡別人不欣賞她的外在吧…

而且我的外表, 很差嗎 =__=)

 

我們溫了一整天, 很正經的溫…

所以我不記得為什麼我會再次在摟在他的懷中.

不記得為什麼他會輕吻我的臉.

我只記得我無法再分辨出他哪時是開玩笑, 哪時是認真.

我只記得當他吻我的臉的時候, 我會覺得在他心中, 我是珍貴的.

我記得我會回校溫書大部分的原因, 是這樣我會有機會再次找到自己在他的懷裡…

 

我們下午考試, 早上一起在學校溫書, 之後一起去各自的試場.

因為他的那個試給他很有壓力, 他晚上會和朋友們喝酒.

他問我去不去, 我因為怕去了不懂應酬, 不太會喝酒,

更不想要他照顧我, 害他沒法玩得開心.

所以婉拒了. 但就是我透露了我怕我去他不會玩得開心, 他又生氣了.

( 我好像不斷透露出我的沒信心, 但是, 這只是我頗了解自己吧. )

 

我發了短訊給他, 說不明白為什麼我們那早上才見面, 現在我已有點掛念他.

我想, 這不是女孩子會坦白告訴男生的吧…

他也回了短訊, 也掛念我, 哈.

收到的時候, 我想這是客套說話嗎? 和一班朋友一起的時候真的會想起我嗎?

第二天, 他和友人遊玩 (“遊玩”這個詞語很久沒用了 @@ ).

發了一個很簡單的短訊給我, 就是他想我.

我問自己, 每次我想我喜歡一個人我都會問自己,

我真的喜歡他, 還是, 我喜歡喜歡他的概念呢.

喜歡他給我的安全感, 喜歡我覺得我真的可以信任他這個人.

我怕自己弄錯自己的感覺, 畢竟我在這方面是一個門外漢.

 

後來他告訴我他的老朋友勸告他不要再碰我, 保持距離.

雖然我明白他老朋友的好意, 不希望我倆會更不捨, 但我有說不出的無奈.

我想像他們的對話是這樣:

“喂, 保持距離呀.”

“哦, 好呀.”

就是這樣簡單容易.

我覺得, 若果保持距離是這樣簡單, 那好, 就這樣做吧.

他問, 大家不是都覺得我們只有少於一個月的時間, 所以還是做朋友最好嗎?

我說, 是他覺得這樣好, 而我沒反對.

我覺得的是, 既然我倆難得遇上, 即使不能長久, 留個美好的回憶也好.

( “不在乎天長地久, 只在乎曾經擁有”嘛. )

 

令我覺得有趣的是, 他會問我我怎樣想.

不只是有客套禮貌的問, 而是問得很仔細, 好像真的想知道我想甚麼.

真的很不習慣, 將我心中所想的用口說出來.

像交不交往, 我會覺得, 都已決定了, 而且只有兩個星期, 所以我的想法不重要吧.

他所做的, 令我有很多的 “不習慣”.

 

他考完試了. 我以為他會找我, 約我.

他會告訴我他約了同學打球, 約朋友乘自行車.

好像暗示, 他很忙.

我也識趣的沒說甚麼.

我只有告訴他我那些時間會有空, 想他若果希望見我就會約我.

 

我記得和他到買行李箱和禮物. 當天我們去了九龍公園坐.

他把玩我的戒指, 說是很美的戒指.

我告訴他, 我的戒指是一個自我提醒.

我要記得, 我不能有希望, 因為去到最後我的希望會變成失望來傷害我.

我要記得, 永遠最後最後我都自己獨個兒面對一切.

可以真正信任的只有自己, 因為別人不會幫助我保護我.

我就是自己的依靠; 我永遠只會是一個人.

我的戒指背後, 就是這些醜陋但現實的教訓.

我只要面對別人, 出門就會把戒指帶上.

 

說到這裡我忍不住掉眼淚了. 人大了, 很少會在別人面前哭.

他取下我的戒指, 不還給我.

一路在街上我拿著他的手, 不斷嘗試把他的手張開,

不斷用中文說 “乖啦, 還我啦.”

那刻, 我第一次想, 若果他明白中文就好了.

因為, 我無法用英文完全傳達中文逗人“乖啦”的意思.

忽然, 我知道原來要真正明白了解我想說的話, 就要中英也會…

哈, 天, 你令我知道自己希望得到甚麼,

知道我想找到那個人, 而且那個人也在找我, 的機會, 很微.

 

逐漸, 我發現自己不由自主的常常望著電話, 看有沒有短訊.

我不喜歡自己在期待他的電話, 他的短訊.

不喜歡只要睡醒, 就會想他, 做甚麼都會想他.

不喜歡我沒了我思想上的自由, 心靈上的自由.

不喜歡別人簡單的行為就能影響我的思緒…

我以為我變貪心了.

我以為可能因為我是女孩子, 所以會不合情理的要別人的注重而自己不知道.

後來發現, 我們還真的是普通朋友時, 差不多每天也會收到他發的短訊.

見面的機會也更多.

我在想, 或許我真的是一個只適合交朋友的人吧.

這樣, 我會輕鬆快樂一點.

 

快聖誕節. 他約我和他的朋友, 他的哥哥可吃飯, 逛街.

我有點無奈. 我亦坦白的告訴他我的苦惱.

為什麼他約我永遠都會有其他人.

為什麼我們只有少於兩個星期的時間, 我們反而見面的次數越來越少.

他問為什麼不是我主動約他, 因為他的前女朋友對他不好, 所有都是他來做主動.

因為我們每次見面, 都會有所發展, 而且很快, 超出了朋友的範圍.

若果我們是普通朋友不是情侶, 又已經沒有課了, 就沒必要這麼常見面, 或只有我倆的節目.

我想說, 我不是他前女朋友, 也是對感情是完全的新手. 不可能要求我一開始就做主動的吧. 這對我也不公平.

我明白他有其他朋友, 所以我沒有再說些甚麼.

我也明白他不希望我們分別的時候會更困難更心痛.

他的道理, 我明白啊.

但我自私的想, 我寧願知道,

我 是還有能力因為別人離開我而心痛.

 

****

我怕因為我是我, 會令人生氣…

就是因為我是我, 改變的不會太多,

所以還是不要害人, 自己一個人就好了.

Cursed and Blinded 的女孩子 – II

我還以為, 只要有人懂得欣賞我, 我就會“痊癒”的.

沒想到, 他卻令我明白我已無藥可救…

 

***

初初, 只是同學一位.

我還記得 (哈, 沒用的東西我記得這麼清楚.),

他問我一條問題, 我見他是交流生, 班裡沒有認識的人,

所以在臨離開課室的時候, 我很大方的先道出自己的姓名,

希望能令旅客在陌生的地方不感到完全的孤單無助 (雖然不覺得他 “孤單無助”).

後來學校其他角落, 在家附近碰過面. 好像都是我主動打招呼… 很簡單的 hi bye.

但在上課的時候, 我很少會打招呼.

不知道為什麼, 我就是有點不想其他人知道我認識他. ( 可能就是不想在同學面前說英文吧 )

後來在 hi bye之中告訴他我在想辦法完成電腦功課. 他很好的說有什麼問題也可以找他問.

因為不想永遠麻煩同學, 留多一條生路, 所以我向他討了他的電郵.

 

在msn的談話之間, 他約我在學校吃午飯.

我多番推堂, 說我忙, 因為我怕用珍貴的時間放在交際, 找話題填補安靜上.

而且在學校裡我沒興趣和別人交集太多. 對我來說, hi bye 的交情已很足夠了.

最後我也不好意思了, 就打算拿一個小時當交際吧.

 

想不到, 本來的一小時變了差不多三小時.

很少會有機會這樣暢談, 因為我不是能在人人面前變得這樣健談.

和他說話, 很舒服.

我記得他第一個話題就是說, 他的朋友叮囑他,

在香港千萬不要和女生交往, 因為她們都是想要外國簽證.

我心中大叫“低能”和 “自以為是的外國人”.

我告訴他, 我本來就不需要外國簽證, 加上香港人想去哪裡都可以.

菲律賓, 大陸來的就不敢說.

但大部分香港人都不會為 “外國簽證”而屈就自己和不喜歡的人一起.

我想就是因為這個話題, 我才可以這樣放鬆, 因為我得了肯定, 我們只會是朋友.

 

之後我們常一起吃午餐. 因為我只可以吃麵包 (沒錢呀…),

他也只會買三文治 (不讓我吃得太痛苦).

他也會常常發短訊, 問我為什麼上課我總不會打招呼.

也會發無聊的短訊, 告訴我他在哪裡做什麼看到些甚麼, 也會問我在哪裡做什麼.

對這些突如其來的注視, 令我又受寵若驚, 但也很不舒服.

因為我怕我會習慣得到別人的注意,

我怕他離開後我要從新習慣自己一個人,

也怕我終有一日會控制不了我久違的“女生的那一面”, 誤會他的友善.

幸好, 我很理性的提醒自己, 他只是在這裡沒有可傾談的朋友吧,

也很快會找到更有趣的人做朋友.

 

有一次帶他吃壽司, 他輕輕提到他在外國的女朋友.

我覺得有點好笑, 好像是警告我不要喜歡他.

“自以為是的外國人”又再次在我腦海裡閃過.

那天, 我告訴他我身高160, 他說我不像只有這樣高,

然後他就在滿是人的道路上擁抱我度高, 笑說這是個借口和我擁抱.

我不以為然, 因為在學校裡, 他的朋友都是女的, 也會擁抱.

我也會擁抱我的朋友呢.

 

有一天我等他好兩個小時, 也不敢致電給他,

因為他要和教授見面, 所以遲到, 也沒辦法給我發短訊.

他沒有回家一晚, 我叫他返家休息, 但他很內疚要我久等, 所以陪我乘車

路途中他把頭依在我的膊頭, 告訴我他想睡一睡.

我笑想, 他這樣大這樣高, 依我膊頭怎樣會舒適呢.

我望出窗外, 想我要開始避開他了,

因為他不知道他繼續這樣對我, 我怕我暗地裡會開始誤會…

因為我不知道我願意等他這麼久, 會不會有甚麼意思.

我就知道我習慣想太多, 習慣胡思亂想…

我不想喜歡他, 也不想他喜歡我, 因為我習慣了我平靜的心境.

千萬不要改變任何東西, 我需要我的平靜…

 

有一天, 我倆都很忙, 沒有見面. 但他在我臨離開學校前也過來看我,

所以我們在課室外談了十五鐘就別了. 走的時候我笑想, 為什麼要見我呢, 平日我們也常見吧.

有一天, 在網上的談話中告訴我他和女朋友分手了.

我笑想, 為什麼你要告訴我呢, 我是沒有需要知道這個消息呢.

有一天, 他告訴我, 我第一口吃雪糕時, 會露出小朋友滿足喜悅的微笑.

同一天, 我在享受秋風輕吹我的臉, 他伸手弄我把頭髮, 說它們在拍打我的臉,

然後輕輕撫摸我的頭, 告訴我我的頭髮很軟很軟…

差不多每一天我也很無奈, 總覺得我對他所做的看得太複雜了.

所有東西都是很簡單, 不應想得太多, 因為只會麻煩.

學期快完了, 我不用再怕了.

 

最後一天的上課日. 那天不知道我們講起些甚麼,

關於感情吧.

他問我, 為什麼我像很不喜歡被人擁抱的, 總會把他推開.

我告訴他, 我曾因為一個擁抱而痛苦過, 不想再經歷多次了.

我告訴他, 我曾因為借了一個擁抱, 一個不屬於我的溫暖. (借了一個混蛋的擁抱 =_=)

結果第二天晚上, 我在街上哭了, 哭得很悽涼.

因為我再次感受到我那習慣到忘記了的孤獨感.

 

他問若果他約我出街, 我會不會答應.

他喝了很多酒, 醉了. 雖然我知道英文, 這是有交往的意思,

但我選擇了當這只是我們另一個 “午飯約會”.

“會呀”我說.

突然他問我第二天有甚麼做, 明天再繼續這個話題.

我笑想, 我們哪一次是完成一個話題呢?

星期六, 我只有晚上有空,

所以我們約好第二天晚上見面.

 

那晚, 覺得他穿得比平日不一樣.

我呢, 冬天從來都穿得比人單薄 ( 從來都很怕穿厚厚的衣服 ).

他給我他的外套, 我不要, 怕他冷, 但他硬要我穿, 怕我冷.

很大, 穿在我身上很滑稽.

也令我想起那個混蛋也要我穿他的外套, 我不要,

但他的一句 “你不要讓別人擔心吧”令我乖乖的穿… ( 我是典型 “收軟不收硬”的人… 唉. )

他, 也是 “混蛋”嗎?

 

從灣仔行路到銅鑼灣. 和他吃了麥當勞, 再走到維多利亞公園坐.

他真的繼續昨天的話題… 唉.

我告訴他, 我不是會令人心動的人,

我想法, 做事太奇怪了. 所以, 正常的只能交朋友.

所以我也沒有再期待些甚麼.

他告訴我, 若果他說他對我產生了感情, 那怎樣?

 

我的腦筋一片空白, 真的空白.

第一個直覺, 就是望天, 心說 “老天, 這很好玩吧?”

第一個直覺, 是他在香港孤單, 離開了家人朋友, 覺得可以和我談心,

所以誤會, 以為自己對我有感情吧…

 

他擁我入他的懷抱之中, 我想這是我第一次沒有推開他.

當時我的腦筋像沒辦法運作, 甚麼也不想想.

我說, 我無法不問, 但你是認真的嗎?

因為我無辦法不認為這不是別人(神)給我開的玩笑. 無辦法相信他真的喜歡我.

他笑說認真的呀.

靜了一會兒, 他問我在想甚麼.

心想, 不可能是真的… 口說, 我在想我們現在能怎麼樣.

他說, 不能怎樣呀, 我們的境況不容許我們能怎樣.

是呀, 他還有一個月就會離開香港了.

 

他告訴我, 他很難對別人心動, 覺得碰到我, 是他幸運.

我想, 他才和女朋友分手, 所以不會有他說這樣難吧.

我真的很普通, 相信他只要細心的找, 就會碰到比我好百倍的人.

這刻, 我只能想, 他太看得起我, 把我看得太好了…

 

那一晚他送我回家, 在家外再次擁我入懷, 就這樣站了一會兒.

我感到很不自在, 不習慣這種不是摟一摟就離開的擁抱, 也不習慣被擁入懷的是自己.

所以我說夜了, 叫他早點回家休息.

回到家換上睡衣, 我就上床睡覺, 

因為我的腦無法動, 不知道能做甚麼.

結果第一次十二點前睡, 在他在我身上殘留的體溫之中入睡.

我很久也沒有睡得這樣好… 真的很久了.

Cursed and Blinded 的女孩子 – I

只要問對了問題, 我會毫不保留的回答.

可惜, 我放棄了等待這個會問我問題的人了.

 

***********

二十二歲了,  還可以稱自己為女孩子嗎?

( 若果可以, 我還有多少年可以繼續這樣做呢… [苦笑] )

 

現在想學普通話, 所以再開始看台劇.

才看了十五分鐘, 已像開了一個滿是蚯蚓的罐頭.

( 真的整個腦袋都是蟲… )

 

小時候就對愛情很有憧憬…

哈, 還記得在美國的時候, 我會採後園的黃色小花,

然後對拿著錄影機的媽媽說, 是別人送給我的.

還會拿枕頭當喜歡的男孩;  緊緊的抱, 有時候還會偷偷吻 “他” 一下.

五六歲就這樣, 思想早熟得很.

天知道若果我沒來香港, 我會變成怎樣的女生.

(曾經和我兩個在美國的表妹吃飯, 我被她們… 嚇壞了… 幸好我是現在的我 ^^)

 

在大學一年級的時候 (是這樣說的嗎, “大學一年級”?),

終於看清楚曾 “喜歡過” 的, 都是混蛋.

心中罵了自己過百遍, 總覺得他們認為我好騙, 很蠢… 我也看錯了人, 錯得很離譜.

我想, 就是那時的領悟, 令我把 “愛情” 和 “愚蠢” 畫上了等號.

哈, 我曾說過, 我的愛情史像侵過泥水的白紙.

亦在那一刻, 我放棄了等待, 放棄了期望愛情的降臨.

從此, 我接受了我“下了咒”的命運; 我甚麼也不缺, 甚麼也頗順利, 代價就是愛情.

從此, 我無法再喜歡別人, 因我盲目了; 除了“朋友”這個詞語, 我甚麼也再看不見.

 ( 若不是因為台劇 , 我已忘記了當初為什麼會說自己 Cursed and Blinded…)

 

從前很愛看愛情小說, 因為我可以很安全的享受愛情的感覺.

但這兩三年, 已沒有時間在看, 也不敢再看.

愛情已逐漸在我腦海裡消失.

連“結婚”這個詞語對我來說, 和 “愛情”一點關係也沒有.

我告訴別人我怕嫁不出, 不是因為我怕一個人;

我怕的是現實告訴我 — 你就是那麼糟糕的人, 沒有人要.

 

 “愛情” 是成人的童話故事.

過了這麼多年, 我變得成熟, 也變得不適合擁有愛情.

我不能解釋, 但我就是知道.

 

還好, 我不迷也很少追台/日/韓劇的.

 

****

可惜, 我好像已再沒有耐性回答任何問題了…

Patterns

Even they were ages ago, somehow my own naivety sickens me.

 

******************

It appeared the smaller the pile of stuff that’s left on the living room floor, the more time I needed to tidy everything up. Stuff that were left on the floor included old newspaper articles, various school notes and printouts, old letters and many notebooks where the first few pages started off as my attempt to keep a diary… apparently my dad’s meticulous nature rubbed off on me; I kept photocopies of the letters I wrote to people; contracts I’ve signed, receipts, bank statements, three years worth of credit card bills (stapled with ATM printouts to prove I’ve paid on time), official letters I’ve received…etc were kept in one place (not as organized as I would liked it to be, but I did what I thought best the last time I tidied stuff up).

 

******************

I couldn’t keep a diary, not because I couldn’t get myself to sit down and write, but rather I got bored with the notebook itself, or the language I used (spoken Chinese or written, or English), or my handwriting… etc. I found the old diary in May 2001, when I was F.2. It’s amazing how much a month’s entry can contain… about friends, family… etc. I didn’t remember the lessons themselves, but subconsciously I’m doing exactly what they have taught me and I’m starting to see a pattern.

 

At the age of 13, I had come to the conclusion that interesting people became friends with me because I was Useful. It was true in primary school; an example would be the two friends I walked back home with. When they were in a quarrel I was their best friend as I listened to them dishing dirt of the other side; when nothing’s going on, I somehow could never join in their conversations. After going through with different people, I settled with a kinder, simpler group of people to hang out with, because I felt safe. In high school, it appeared that history was repeating itself unknowingly. I felt I was a friend because we took the same walk back home, and I could help her with her ceramics homework, and that I listened to her… basically being useful, because outside of all that, she was starting fires behind my back and naturally I felt betrayed. I read on… I was friends with all sorts of people, because I was someone they turn to when they needed someone to listen, or I was always around when they felt alone. On the same page, I found the kinder, simpler, safer group of friends I had during then. I asked why girls had to constantly be around someone to feel comfortable… one moment of solitude would wreck them; go to washrooms together, walk home together, do stuff together… and I started to learn to become the exact opposite.

 

So now school life has officially ended for me. When I have time, I call up my friends and see if we could have dinner or do something together. They are interesting… people I can spend a day with without feeling bored. I do see my safe kind friends, but a lot less often and I do get bored after a few hours. I feel guilty when I don’t know what’s new in their lives because I’m so busy with mine… I noticed, the only person I kept in touch with in primary school was one of the two I walked home with.  

 

I was upset the other day, because I was turned down by a job I really wanted, and the fact that my job hunting days are not yet over haunted me. I called one of my interesting friends late afternoon, starting off with “hey something’s bothering me…” but she was working on something and she said she’d called me in half an hour. I didn’t wait and started my own healing process. She didn’t call that night and I guess she was busy or that she forgot. I didn’t blame her, because I knew she was a busy person, like me, and I should have found someone else to call for help.

 

The next day she called, apologized that she didn’t call back yesterday and asked me what was wrong. I told her the gallery turned me down and I was rather down the day before, but everything’s okay now. Then we moved on talking about when we were having drinks next week and I promised to see if other people were free as well.

 

************

That was the year I tested my parents if they remembered my birthday. At the end of the day I couldn’t help myself and told my brothers. They talked to Mom and she assured me that she didn’t forget, just that she was so busy with work that dates no longer register as anything else but last day of visas or appointments. I got my share of birthday parties when I was younger because I couldn’t help asking for one when May came. I didn’t think my parents thought I wasn’t important (my dad used my birthday as the password to the office door) or anything, but I just had this epiphany… there are a lot more important things than birthdays and I stopped being disappointed if people don’t remember mine, but rather pleasantly surprised when they do. Just, after that, I made it a point when it was Vincent or Steven’s birthday, I would buy a cake and a present when my mom was too busy and asked her to share the bill.  

 

***********

In the same month, I realized I was the second runner up of a book report competition organized outside the school. It was the first time I’ve won something outside school and I was thrilled. I called my dad at work to tell him, but he said he was tired and could it wait till he gets home. When I finally gave him the news, he said nothing. Afterwards he told me he’d rather I read English out loud better than writing book reports. He also reminded me that he helped me proof read my essay so that was why I won. Remembering how I was top in my class in primary school because everyone else was dim, or that I was top in English in my form in high school because he taught me everything I know and since I was born in the states, I should be nothing less… that was when I learned how I should judge the things I do. I’ve also stopped telling him good news, because I want it to remain good news.

 

********************************

So stuff that used to bother me no longer does. I’ve always thought it was a sign of maturity; there’s this term the old and wise Chinese use – “看化”. They’d tell you they are neutral, beyond feeling anything over stuff because they’ve seen and experienced so much. So I identified the neutrality or indifference I often felt as exactly that. However, after reading my own words, I don’t know if I’ve grown wiser or I’ve simply got used to the way things happen around me.

Questions and ideas about “God”

Having some time to spare between appointments, I went to a bookstore to read. It’s been such a long time since I’ve really sat down to read a book I’ve forgotten how much I loved it. I especially love books by Jodi Picoult; she could describe certain feelings that you could hardly put down in words, and there were so many questions and issues raised.

 

******************

I always occasionally look up in the sky to see what shade of blue it is at a particular moment. When I see a clear blue sky, I would think “Look God, see how beautiful your creation is.”

 

**********

I studied in a catholic primary school for three years. We had to pray two times every day, sing hymns and I thought I believed in God then. When I switched schools, I began to learn that although God, Jesus and Virgin Mary are still the main “characters”, Catholics and Protestants are different and confusion on my “beliefs” began. In my second year of high school, we got to watch The Omen I and II in class. The movies scared me and many of my friends into “researching” about the Antichrist and the End of the world stuff. We got teachers to talk about interesting facts about God and the Revelation instead of our textbooks. I started praying again. The fear faded off eventually and slowly I began to see God and Religions in a whole different light. Ask me now if I believe in God, I’d answer yes, but my idea of God is unlike the god I was taught to believe in.

 

*******

Hell

Whenever we had nightmares, my mom would tell us to keep on repeating a chant of some sort of religion in our heads and it would protect us. After Vincent started primary school and began having bible classes, he learned that people who didn’t believe in God would end up in Hell. So after asking, we found our father somewhat believed in God but rarely prayed; Mom believed in Buddhism and Steven, who had yet to start school, believed in whatever my mom did. So Vincent asked me “does it mean that Mom and Steven are going to end up in Hell?” I told him and I believed it myself 100% at the time, that “God and Buddha are friends so it’s okay; those who believe in God or Buddha won’t go to hell.” (I also told my brothers, with the same absolute certainty, that I remembered how it was like to be in Mommy’s tummy before the three of us were born; all three of us sat in front of a TV, surrounded by red walls, and I left them when I decided the cartoons were boring; and later Vincent followed my example and then Steven. As a matter of fact, the same imagery is still in my head right now). Now I have this question, why is that being only six or seven years old, when the concept of life and death is still unclear, me and my brother had to be scared that our family was going to be in hell after death?

 

Naturally I think it is terrible that God had to reduce to using Fear in order to have people believe/acknowledge His existence. I wonder if it is only humans that are spreading the words of God by using fear (if “love” didn’t work)… but if a supposedly perfect being uses fear to get what he wants, should we follow that example since he should have known better (a terrible example comes to mind…)? If we see him as a Dictator, that would be a problem. But if we see him as a Father, who thought that corporal punishment was the way to go (since there’s no more “life” or “death” afterlife, burning in hell probably should be seen as a form of severe caning…) in order to “discipline” his children, it makes the whole concept easier to understand. Since humans are pretty good at coming up with new creative ideas on how to torture fellow humans, God might as well stick with the basics and add something to the equation that scares everyone – engulf in flames and the idea of “forever”.

 

I do not agree with his methods (maybe because I don’t know better) if his idea of “banish in hell for eternity” is exactly the same as described in the bible or us flawed humans have interpreted it to be. But I think there is a possibility that the “heaven and hell” concept we have right now is actually a cautionary tale told to “children”, like the good guys live happily ever after and villains are severely pays for what they’ve done in the end of a children story book. Therefore we were given a story that we could understand in the simplest sense. Considering that the intelligence, living conditions and social norms of humans change over time, it would hardly be efficient to have someone write down all the rules and punishments down. It’s hardly a straight forward decision, whether you deserved to be push down to the ocean of fire.

 

Church

There was this one night before HKCEE: I was in bed, trying to fall asleep by talking to God, and suddenly two unusual thoughts hit my head: 1. I should look for a good church, try it out and see if it works for me. 2. I should go see my grandma (my father’s side. Half the time I don’t think she knows I exist and she was not a pleasant person to be around with) and spend some time talking to her, even though she wouldn’t look at me or talk. I was supposed to have at least 3 months of holiday after HKCEE and somehow I had this strong feeling that it would be my only chance to do all that stuff. However, after the public exam those feelings weren’t so strong anymore so I didn’t start going to church and I didn’t go see my grandma. Then in Form 6, I got into a debate with a few bigger Christians in class of how unreasonable I found the teachings of their fellowship were, and had the conclusion of how dangerous it would have been if I’ve selected the wrong church or join the wrong fellowship; One and a half year later, right after Chinese New Year, my grandma passed away. It turns out that the 3-month period was really the last chance I had to spend quality time with her (another really morbid coincidence was that I just finished my painting of a little boy losing his mother…).

 

A good 30% of why I don’t go to church today is because there are so many things I’d rather do than sit and have someone to tell me how big a sinner I am (I’m perfectly aware of that), how much God love us (aware of that too) or explain God to us, but mostly it’s because I don’t understand why I should go. I think the church exist to serve the purpose of an association, a club, a society; it give people the idea of what the church/religion is all about, gathers people with the same interest (faith), and accumulate substantial power in order to influence modern society. However, I don’t believe in what a lot of church goers do, is to understand God though the interpretation of another flawed human being, or to prove to God/other people how devoted they are to their religion, or to fulfill an obligation as a true believer. I am also not comfortable in joining a group that has proven to be amazingly capable of brainwashing and producing bigots.

 

I don’t understand why people refer to the bible as a book of rules instead of a book of history; I don’t understand if people worship God every Sunday if it’s because he’s “perfect” or that he loves us unconditional, cos if that were the case then why people don’t spend time with their parents or grandparents at least once per week since they too (in most cases) offer unconditional love, and I’m pretty sure a lot of people don’t even talk to their parents two times a day, let alone thank them for what they’ve done. So why everyone is appreciating something that is so far away and impossible to truly know until death, when there are so many people out there that deserve some sort of recognition too? There’s also this question: if God loves us, do we love God?  

 

**********

I sometimes wonder why I’m religious, considering that I’m naturally skeptical.

Moving Day

Coincidently today is also the last day of me being an “official student”; my university student card expires today. Sigh, really should have gone out and see a movie or something when I still had a student discount.

 

***********

After waiting for at least three years, I finally moved to my new home!!! Turns out everything my brothers and I had could easily fit in a small room without filling up the floor space… The place is huge and empty, so it reminded me how my parents used to keep house in the old days (like the Blue House was practically empty except for the two rooms we slept in and the living room, where there were the couch, TV and beanbags… oh and three porcelain figures of Chinese Gods which I’m sure were gifts…), so the emptiness didn’t bother me at all. In fact it feels kind of nice now that I can run around and stretch without feeling cramped.  

 

It was scary at night because when I turned off the lights it was pitch black and all I could see were tiny red lights on those emergency light boxes… a forgotten childhood fear of red lights in the dark (I don’t like green either…). I remember I once had a sleepover at my cousin’s place and my uncle had to cover up the red glowing switches on extension cords when we turned off the lights. So I had to keep the lights outside on during the night… must get a lamp or something.

 

Once I finish unpacking and sort out everything I can get an oven and bake again… and have everyone to come over to cook and have an indoor picnic because there are only four chairs and no dinner table (there’s one actually, but on it is a PC and my laptop and plenty of wires…). Since there’s only me and I shouldn’t be at home half of the time, there’s no rush for my parents to buy furniture. But I’m pretty content with the flat floors, hot water options, only three spiders on the walls… and not have my eyes itch or throat hurting because of the dust and fungus growing on the wooden floors. Come to think of it, I should have taken pictures of those…