In the Lift

just… breathe

Category: Observations

How do you take your Happiness?

The longer you’ve abandoned something, it gets harder to pick up again.

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Once when I was on Skype with my brothers, one of them mentioned that he never thought my father was particularly successful. It wasn’t because he wasn’t rich or anything, but because he was never happy. Ultimately what we all want, is to be content and happy in life.

I’ve been asking the people around me the following question over the years:

In truth, this hardly reflect real life. But hypothetically, if the total amount of happiness adds up the same, which type of happiness would you choose?

In Life A, the index is so steady that you might be unable to feel “happy” exactly, unable to truly cherish what you have, because of the lack of contrast. Some would be content (because they don’t feel particularly sad either); some, though having little to complain, doubt if they have fully lived their lives.

In Life B, you experience great bliss and joy, but also colossal sorrow and despair. Problem is, many people don’t necessarily know how to overcome their darkest moments. There’s also another question; what if it is only the extremes that amplify the intrinsic joy/despair; that you aren’t exactly “happier”?

If our own feelings aren’t accurate indicators of “happiness”, nor could truly reflect how happy we should be with our lives, should we be using our brain to evaluate happiness instead?

Forget about contrasts, what about the timing?

We invest our energy, resources (the basics – time and effort) in all sorts of things to satisfy our needs and wants, because in the end of the day it’s happiness that we seek. But like any investment, there are risks. What if the seeds we sow are not what we expect it to be (which is very often)? Some people might be considered as “short sighted” – live for the moment, they say, because you would never know what would happen in the future. Whereas others choose to invest their time into creating a more comfortable future, because what if you manage to live till 90?

With so many factors and choices, the way you choose happiness to be like is actually similar to how you take your coffee – if you always add as much sugar as you want, ending up having health problems (an exaggeration, but bear with me). Or you could go easy on the milk and sugar, but probably making you give up coffee altogether.

So it’s not only different things makes us happy, but how we take happiness is dependant on your taste and it is a decision we have to make. Me, I’m still struggling.

Employers utilizing employees’ time in Hong Kong? Fat chance.

Okay, last time I wrote was 20 days ago. So much for promising myself that I would write more often…

 

Few things going on with life recently –

1. Work

Not too bad; nice colleagues and manageable workload (i.e. I get off on time-ish). If only I were a fifty year old spinster with a bigger paycheck, this job would be perfect. Still looking for work though and I get the occasional interviews.

 

Two weeks ago I had dinner with a few high school classmates: Tannessa, So Ling, Joey and Janette. Despite their late start of job hunting, they all managed to find one with a sizable organization and pay I thought impossible nowadays (I think I have been looking at the wrong places… or the wrong fields…).

 

So Ling was talking about how people in Hong Kong are sleep-deprived, paid pittance for their labor, no extra pay for overtime and have basically no life (apparently her three-month-holiday in Paris was an eye-opening experience). She thought (and I agree) that it was such a display of bad time management from both employers and employees that working overtime in HK is such a norm to the point when the job description says 9 to 6 it actually means 9 to at the very least 9.

 

Not too soon to nod my head on how Hong Kong is the worse place to lead a life, I told them my thoughts on how it was less about HK’s poor management but more about the abundance of human labor in the area that allowed employers to see no reason to utilize employees’ office hours; they could always hire someone else willing to work overtime for free. As the saying goes – if it’s not broken, don’t fix it.

 

The same inefficient use of resources happens all the time in other countries as well, like those where “Space” wasn’t a problem (my thoughts during my time in Europe); that people didn’t make use of the available space because there’s no shortage, if not plenty. In Hong Kong, we have drawers under beds, dining tables folded when not in use, washrooms with the size of a cubicle… as I couldn’t stress hard enough, it literally takes a few years worth of savings before you can afford your own standing space; the latest calling price is HKD$70,000 per square foot in TST (boy were they serious when they say every inch of earth is covered with gold around Hong Kong…).

 

All five of us agreed we couldn’t really imagine ourselves settling in a city where shops closes in mid afternoon for naps at three (*cough* Athens *cough*), or shuts down right before dinner time at 6 (like many areas in Europe), but we could live without the 24-hour McDonalds and Park-n-shop supermarkets. Employers have too much bargaining power, and employees of the older generation have no life to begin with (so no complains there), while we, the spoiled Gen-Ys, by seeing the world with our own eyes occasionally or simply by surfing the internet, are getting a better picture of how other cities operate, hence making a comparison and are inevitably discontent with certain living conditions… there really is nothing for us to do but to relocate if we don’t want to sell our youth for money but end up having no time to spend it.

 

Ah, the trade-offs…

 

 

 

My observations years ago, on how (young) girls fall for someone

After my phone conversation with Phyllis yesterday, I hung up thinking how I could forget such a big part of myself, that I always observed and analyzed people. I guess I’ve just got so used to it, and without the chance to spend a large portion of the day with the same group of “subjects” everyday, I forgot I do that and subconsciously study “myself” instead. Now I know I’m not narcissistic but just in need for human subjects to fixate on… (maybe I should go to the studio more often…)

 

There are several flaws/problems to my current approach. First, I found this to be one of the reasons I felt/am more of an observer than a living being. Second, I’m assuming my sequence of thoughts, the good and evil inside me etc represents the general public. But the second statement is almost a direct contradiction of the first, as how can a third person accurately knows what a first person is feeling or thinking about?

 

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Back in high school I had a few theories about the dynamics of girls falling for people. I never really understood how girls can tell if a certain person is into them. When I ask how they knew, it’s either they’ve caught him looking at their direction a couple of times, shared a conversation that lasted more than two sentences, or a classic: they just felt it… in the end teaching me never to believe in my supposedly accurate “woman’s sixth sense”.

 

Just a note: the following only works when 1. the girl does not notice such processes herself, 2. both parties are stuck in a fixed environment and are exposed to each other from time to time, like a classroom, and 3. the people who exist in their surroundings are somewhat fixed.

 

Friends having the same crush on someone

Similar taste may not be the sole reason why a girl falls for the same guy her friend had her eyes on. I’ve witnessed friends falling for the same person a few times, and gradually deduced some sort of a process to make sense out of such development.

 

Process:

1. Girl tells Friend she likes Guy

2. Friend either asks why, or jumps to Step 4.

3. Girl tells Friend why, e.g. the good qualities of Guy, or the things he did (the looks, the way he talks to her… etc)

4. Friend observes, pays more attention to Guy.

 

Outcome:

As Girl has mentioned his qualities, they resonate in Friend’s mind, making them easier to notice and adding the “similar taste” factor to the equation, a crush is formed (This works almost 100% if a girl still keeps a shopping list of qualities they look for in a guy).

 

The thing you don’t want to happen when you like someone might actually help…

If a guy wants a girl to like him, and if he’s not too painful to look at or be with (and the girl isn’t a snob), have healthy social networks (so he doesn’t get teased to death literally), chances are spreading a rumor that he likes her can increase his chances of being with her.

 

Process:

1. Rumor spreads and plants ideas into Girl’s head.

2. Girl, if not immediately repulsed by Guy or rumors, starts secretly observing and paying attention to Guy, looking for signs to see if the rumors are true.

 

Outcome:

Unless Guy is a complete moron, Girl will notice his good qualities. If Guy has showed sufficient signs to support the rumor (like sharing a two-sentence conversation more than once)… in time Girl would developed enough interest to guarantee Guy an almost 75% success rate to get her. Add another girl in the picture right at the midst of the process, and the success rate hits 85%.

 

“Inertia”

Ultimately most people like getting attention, up to a point where they get the affirmation that they are special. Making phone calls persistently is actually a very efficient way to get a girl (especially if she hasn’t paid attention to the guy before), but not necessarily because of the amount of communication nor level of understanding achieved. The seemingly harmless action is actually pretty fatal.

 

Process:

1. Guy calls Girl the first time for some tiny favor. Girl taken back but doesn’t read into it too much.

2. Guy starts calling everyday and slowly moving on to simple conversation. Girl thinks it’s odd but she liked the attention and enjoyed the conversations so that’s fine. Conversation gradually grows longer and with more actual content.

3. Calls begin to cease eventually after a month or two; Guy calls only every four days. Girl notices but doesn’t say anything. She attempts to call Guy but he tells her he can’t talk right now.

4. Calls stop. Girl starts feeling down because she’s got used to talking to Guy, begins to think maybe Guy finds her not that special after all and has moved on.

 

Outcome:

This is the point where Girl is most confused, self doubting and vulnerable; again Guy’s chance of getting the girl is greatly enhanced.

 

The calls are somewhat more about getting the girl being used to the guy’s presence in her life; accustomed to some habits that includes him and the daily doze of attention … the “inertia” effect creates an illusion in the girl’s mind, so when the calls stop coming, she may interpret the emotions she was going through as her liking Guy unknowingly. What she doesn’t know is most possibly she only misses the calls/attention/habit, and any guy doing the same thing would probably have the same effect (or the variation has more to do with the guy’s “skills”…).

 

My Conclusion?

You would have thought that the three ideas I came up with probably wouldn’t have worked when girls get older. But then maturity does not necessarily grow with age.

 

(There are actually a few more “theories’’, but I guess I will leave them for another day… really should shorten my writing…)

 

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Telling this all to Jack during our tutoring session amused him to no end. He asked why I looked into such simple happenings in such depth back then. I told him I don’t do that on purpose, but maybe I’m just good at noticing patterns.

 

(What am I feeding into his head? Murders, religions cults, cultural studies, social problems, movies, language… everything that isn’t Math… =__=)

TIC Teachers – don’t give up; TIC Students – try to see why we love this school.

Hi. My name is Jennifer Lau and I’m a TIC graduate in year 2005 – 2006. Some of you may remember me; I’ve always been active during my time there and even after graduation I have always been eager to know how things went. After recent conversations I had with some teachers, there are a few things I wanted to share with my teachers and my schoolmates.

 

We need good teachers
I remember reading an essay on a conversation between a parent and a high school teacher. I can’t recall the exact details but the general flow is this: while the teacher was trying to point out the problems the school was having with his son, the father was offended, thought he knew better and demanded the teacher for his qualifications because he doubt he was qualified to pass judgment on his child. The teacher paused for a second before replying courteously.

“Yale University; graduated masters with honors.” (Yale is an Ivy League school in the US.) More stunned than embarrassed, the parent couldn’t help but ask:

“So what are you doing as a high school teacher? With your qualifications you can easily go anywhere!” The teacher just smiled serenely.

“Don’t you think your child deserves the best?” he asked. The parent admitted he never thought of it that way before.

In today’s society we rarely acknowledge the fact that teaching is a sacred duty. There are people who opt for a teaching career only because of the stable income, but there are also others who are dedicated and genuinely want to educate the young, i.e. the good teachers. However, for many reasons, they get discouraged and slowly saw education as “a job” and nothing else.

This situation can be directly compared to people consulting a doctor who couldn’t care less of their health; it’s the worse outcome a teacher and his students can get. Ideally in a good teacher, I look for dedication, ethics, and a role model. Having the skills to actually convey messages comprehendible to students is a great bonus, but I think those three are most essential for the makings of a good teacher.

  

Students can recognize good teachers, and want to be inspired (by them).
As someone who has been a student for almost her whole life, it had been very easy for me to differentiate good responsible teachers from those who’re just in it for the money and politics. Believe it or not, students do appreciate teachers for their work. Drawing from personal experience in university, I was a completely different person compared to when I was in TIC. I eventually found out why.

I expected to be inspired – because I was fortunate enough to have that throughout my teenage years, surrounded by terrific teachers in TIC, and university turned out to be such a big disappointment. I think I can represent fellow schoolmates when I say this: We all want to be inspired in one way or another. It’s not always about knowledge but also wisdom. Don’t be discouraged when some of us don’t act that way. We may not know it ourselves but deep down we do want inspiration. Don’t only notice a few bad representatives and give up on everyone of us. It’s just so easy to focus on the bad and neglect the good. Please don’t give up hope.

 

Why is TIC special
This school, beyond doubt, is a very special school. However exactly because of that, TIC always faced an internal struggle of its own identity. Believe me when I say a lot of alumni like myself are extremely worried about the future of TIC.

Our school motto covers almost everything an individual should value and learn in life – the importance of health and sportsmanship; of humanity; of creativity and appreciation; and of wisdom and knowledge. The special thing about TIC isn’t only that most students here (or at least those who used to study here) believed in the whole TIC concept; that though it is important, Academic Excellency isn’t Everything in life, but so many teachers here believed in TIC too. Not only those who teaches Visual Art or P.E. but also others who taught in other subjects, like Physics for example.

TIC offers you the freedom to choose where you want to excel. You don’t have to dream about becoming an athlete or a designer, you can show and develop your interest in art and still do well in other fields. TIC is a rebellion of modern Hong Kong society; by trying to subconsciously educate those who belong here that Money and Academic achievements aren’t the only things that matter. This is a haven for those who dared to think differently. The work done by TIC teachers are beyond admirable and special compared to those in other exam-result-driven schools.

 

TIC Today
As alumni, there’s very little we can do to help TIC to recreate its former glory. The great sculpture right in front of the school entrance is the representation of what is expected from those who go and went to TIC; a equal balance of art, sports and traditional education. Tip the scales and the balance, i.e. TIC would be ruined.

The major problem the school has always faced was whether TIC should put a stronger emphasis on academics because they believed that was what students and parents ask for. School authorities have been continously stating that students here tend to do well only in art or sports, and neglect their studies. As alumni, we see the gradual decrease in the number of Art and Sport classes, drastic deterioration in performance on both Visual arts and Sports, and the type of students who enrolled to TIC only came because it’s an EMI school and a safety net in case they can’t get into elite schools.

Visual art students no longer have to hand in sketch books because according to their parents or themselves, too much time and effort is wasted on drawing and painting; P.E. students can no longer pass fitness test because deep down they don’t really see the point of training unless they want to be a professional athlete and have complained to the school, consequently no longer required to join any sports team. This sort of thinking spelled the demise of TIC.

The authorites need to see that TIC, as a concept, is possible by seeing actual results from students. What is scaring us is that students themselves don’t believe in TIC or simply don’t care.

 

What today’s TIC teachers and students should do
What I ask from TIC teachers today is don’t give up on TIC, because you are the permanent force that can help reform TIC. You helped mould and shape TIC; You did it once, you can to do it again. TIC needs you; we alumni need you. Don’t give up or lose faith just because TIC is at such a disappointing stage right now.

What I ask from today’s TIC students is try to understand what this school is about and become a true Ti-Ian, because you are the strongest force in TIC. Try to look at the school motto in the hall and ask yourself if you are doing what TIC is trying to teach; and what are you doing to get the best of what TIC has to offer. There is only so much the teachers can do if you don’t help yourself. Work together and recreate the TIC that teachers and we alumni have seen before. TIC isn’t just another school you go through in life; it’s a group of like-minded people you choose to join for life.

There are numerous reasons why TIC is much treasured in the hearts of so many, and I sincerely ask (and beg) all of those there not to let TIC become a memory of the past.

Mid-Autumn Festival morning – Watching District 9

I’m trying to find a way to categorize my posts better… or to even chop down my day’s entry into several short posts so it’s easier to categorize. Even thought most of the time I’m the one reading my own blog (ha), I like things neat, tidy and very organized.

 

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Today’s Mid-Autumn Festival. Friends too busy, brothers not around, parents couldn’t care less about festivals and stuff, and I only work five days a week anyways, so I expected it to be just another typical Saturday.

 

Even though I’ve gone to see a movie just the day before yesterday, I let myself go watch District 9, despite my empty bank account. It was after all a festival today and for some reason I was feeling the exact opposite of upbeat, so I thought I needed the distractions. (Haha after I told Nicole that she should definitely go watch District 9, she recommended The Time Traveler’s Wife cos it made her cry like a baby throughout the whole movie. I’ve read and loved the book but never thought of watching it on film… so maybe I will go see it next Saturday?!)

 

I caught the morning show (again) and was late for 10 minutes, missing the intro. I don’t usually watch Sci-Fi movies, or any movies that involve a lot of slimy flesh or bodies exploding into tiny pieces, and I guess that’s why ever so often I found myself pushing my back against the chair; not because I’m scared of blood or anything but I just don’t enjoy watching scenes involving violence. There were also scenes were painful to watch, in a different sort of way. There were so many examples…

 

One would be Wikus pulling the plugs from the alien fetuses while explaining excitedly what was going on in the shack… and when he finally gave orders to have the nest burned down, the babies’ shrieks and screams were thought to be “interesting” and “noisy”… (I was finding examples in my head of men doing the same to animals, or even to fellow men…)… or the way he was no longer treated as a human in the lab; the officers were shocking him with high volts of electricity even though he was more than willing to comply with their commands to operate the alien weaponry… or when Wikus begged them not to force him to test the gun on an alien.

 

There was one scene was where Christopher explained to Wikus that his kid liked him because he thought they were the same. The alien kid was stretching out his arm to compare with Wikus’, only to be met with Wikus’ apparent disgust by the mere idea that they were remotely similar (Why did I not think that this alien kid was a girl? What if its species didn’t have a gender?). Sometimes grown ups over complicate things; sometimes it takes a child’s innocent association and observation to really get the gist of things…

 

One particular scene that got me into tears (note: this isn’t one of those tear-jerking movies) was where Christopher was stunned at the sight of his fellow beings being tortured under the name of scientific discovery/education/analysis/defense, and he literally froze when he stood in front of one of the study subjects; that was burnt/skinned/gone through whatever inhumane treatment.

 

Usually I cry in movies when I sympathize with certain characters at a particular moment (which happens more often than I would have liked… I’m such a cry baby when it comes to watching movies), but what was different this time was that a big part of me wasn’t crying for what Christopher was feeling, but rather not emotionally understanding why; why on earth people (the supposedly sane ones) can treat a living creature like that. I pained for the alien, I pained for Christopher, but I also pained for the human race for their lack of empathy for those that are different and their capability to disregard life, especially when it comes to monetary gain.

 

Despite sympathizing with the aliens, I also understood where the government and the people were coming from. Although quite a number of them were obviously out for the money, most of the things mankind did was done out of fear and skepticism. There we were presented with a bunch of big scary creatures, whose technology was more advanced, and were seemingly equal if not more capable than human beings in terms of intelligence. It threatened mankind’s position as the superior living being… they felt their lives were threatened because of the existence of a stronger species.

 

At the back of our heads, it’s always the survival of the fittest; and history has shown that without intervention (law, economics… etc), the fittest has always devoured the weak. So before the aliens have a chance to hurt us, we hurt them first, know everything there was to know about them, isolate and prevent them from getting help. When it comes to “survival”, should we ignore our supposedly compassionate nature as humans? Where do you keep the balance between “self-defense” and “humanity” (I’ve come to see the word “humanity” is pretty ironic)? I remember reading something about the more intelligent a being, the more inclined it is to keep peace. Turns out the humans in the movie weren’t that intelligent after all.

 

It may seem that the movie didn’t have a good ending, but there was. Wikus, like most of mankind, was weak and scared. In spite of all that human weaknesses, he showed compassion in the end when he turned back to help Christopher and urged him to get back to the spaceship and fly home.

 

Even me as a newbie in sci-fi movies, knows this movie could be boring to people who were expecting loads of technological stuff (I loved those blue glowing projection buttons, which you can move around three dimensionally), lots of machinery action or a hyper exciting plot. So maybe they should stop show trailers with only flesh-exploding shots and humans fighting aliens in HK? District 9 was more about getting viewers to think about issues on racism and xenophobia, but instead of featuring an ethnic race which we are prone to have formed certain perceptions in our minds, we get to be free from stereotyping and see discrimination in its purest form.

 

I got out of the theater wondering how I and so many others, are so absorbed in our lives, finding joy over tiny things and fretting over petty stuff when there are so many bigger problems around us. How or should we make a balance between caring for the small things in our personal lives and the big ones that are so beyond our reach?

“Released on compassionate grounds”

Not one to follow world events often (or any events for that matter), I came across a controversial piece of news. Abdel Baset al-Megrahi, convicted in 2001 for the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 in Dec 1988 which led to 270 deaths, was released by the Scottish government on compassionate grounds; he was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer and had less than three months to live. He has served eight years of his supposedly life sentence and people, including the US government, victims’ family… etc were devastated and appalled by Scotland’s decision. I, on the other hand, thought otherwise.

 

Purpose of Prison

A lot of people see prison as a form of punishment, i.e. you did something bad, so serve your time in prison. However, the concept of prison, or even the whole legal system isn’t really about getting justice. It isn’t about denying a person’s right (of freedom, privacy… etc) because he has stripped the right of another person as that would literally make it as “an eye for an eye” kind of deal. It should be understood that when a person violates the right of another (e.g. the right to live) doesn’t mean he is immediately forfeiting his human rights (despite a lot of people would like to believe), nor does it automatically gives the society the right to violate his (because that would make the society as bad as him).

 

The intention of jail is more of a Protection to Society rather than a form of Punishment for the guilty. Therefore keeping a person in confinement isn’t a way to seek justice for victim(s), nor would that ever be enough. So whether or not keeping a person in prison, who is supposedly no longer able to harm the society, shouldn’t primarily depend on the amount of grieve it brought to the world. 

 

Fighting Terrorism

It is interesting that today we fight terrorism with creating terror in some way or another. The difference is that terrorist cause fear and death, whilst taking people by surprise; we caused fear and death by declaring war openly. It is a never ending cycle of violence. We started off by using force when different sides don’t meet eye to eye; we use force because it’s a way to see immediate results. It should be understood that Communication is something people don’t normally do well in normal context, and when we add differences in culture and language to the mix, it takes open-mindedness, extreme patience and empathy in order to get ideas across. To ultimately eliminate terrorism or any form of evilness in the world, is through education and kindness, not by implying someone is stupid/barbaric/don’t know nothing.

 

People involved in an attack that killed so many lives (most of them Americans), have to have enough hatred towards a certain body in order to be able to bring themselves down to such a level to turn to mass murder (or in some cases terrorist couldn’t recognize what they’ve done was murder…). However, to be shown compassion from his “enemies” would be the greatest punishment they can get, because there would be this doubt creeping into their minds, thinking what they have done to an entity that is able to show such tremendous sympathy to someone who has hurt them so bad. The doubt and guilt grows, and would haunt a person forever. Showing compassion doesn’t make one weak, but rather how much bigger and stronger a person, and in this case, a nation is. This is also an example to people everywhere around the globe that we might be able to fight terrorist simply by showing love to humanity without discrimination.

 

Innocence

Abdel Baset al-Megrahi has been pleading his innocence over the years and even today when he has returned safely to his home country, he vowed to find evidence to prove his claim. If he was really innocent, releasing him to his family and home towards the end of his life is only the right thing to do. Although in criminal cases, the accused has the benefit of the doubt (innocent until proven guilty) and the jury has to be unanimous on their decision that the accused is in fact guilty, there have been examples that the jury has made wrong decisions. It is extremely cruel to say this, but those who died in the crash no longer has a chance to enjoy another moment on earth, so let one who is near the end of his life journey have a chance to do that, simply because there is a possibility that he maybe innocent and may deserve it.

 

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In truth, I know too little about this incident in order to form a well-rounded opinion, and it may seem that I’m not showing compassion to the victims. However, in a way Abdel Baset al-Megrahi is also a victim of circumstances, whether or not is he guilty.

 

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A few quotes from Daily News’s article:

Freed Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi gets hero’s welcome in Libya; U.S. slams release

By Christina Boyle and Helen Kennedy

 

- President Obama called the release “a mistake” and warned Libya to “make sure he is not welcomed back in some way” and to keep him under house arrest.

 

- “In Scotland, we are a people who pride ourselves on our humanity,” said Scotland’s justice secretary, Kenny MacAskill.

 

“I am conscious that he committed the worst atrocity that our people have ever faced,” he said, “Our beliefs dictate that justice be served, but mercy be shown.”

Patterns

Even they were ages ago, somehow my own naivety sickens me.

 

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It appeared the smaller the pile of stuff that’s left on the living room floor, the more time I needed to tidy everything up. Stuff that were left on the floor included old newspaper articles, various school notes and printouts, old letters and many notebooks where the first few pages started off as my attempt to keep a diary… apparently my dad’s meticulous nature rubbed off on me; I kept photocopies of the letters I wrote to people; contracts I’ve signed, receipts, bank statements, three years worth of credit card bills (stapled with ATM printouts to prove I’ve paid on time), official letters I’ve received…etc were kept in one place (not as organized as I would liked it to be, but I did what I thought best the last time I tidied stuff up).

 

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I couldn’t keep a diary, not because I couldn’t get myself to sit down and write, but rather I got bored with the notebook itself, or the language I used (spoken Chinese or written, or English), or my handwriting… etc. I found the old diary in May 2001, when I was F.2. It’s amazing how much a month’s entry can contain… about friends, family… etc. I didn’t remember the lessons themselves, but subconsciously I’m doing exactly what they have taught me and I’m starting to see a pattern.

 

At the age of 13, I had come to the conclusion that interesting people became friends with me because I was Useful. It was true in primary school; an example would be the two friends I walked back home with. When they were in a quarrel I was their best friend as I listened to them dishing dirt of the other side; when nothing’s going on, I somehow could never join in their conversations. After going through with different people, I settled with a kinder, simpler group of people to hang out with, because I felt safe. In high school, it appeared that history was repeating itself unknowingly. I felt I was a friend because we took the same walk back home, and I could help her with her ceramics homework, and that I listened to her… basically being useful, because outside of all that, she was starting fires behind my back and naturally I felt betrayed. I read on… I was friends with all sorts of people, because I was someone they turn to when they needed someone to listen, or I was always around when they felt alone. On the same page, I found the kinder, simpler, safer group of friends I had during then. I asked why girls had to constantly be around someone to feel comfortable… one moment of solitude would wreck them; go to washrooms together, walk home together, do stuff together… and I started to learn to become the exact opposite.

 

So now school life has officially ended for me. When I have time, I call up my friends and see if we could have dinner or do something together. They are interesting… people I can spend a day with without feeling bored. I do see my safe kind friends, but a lot less often and I do get bored after a few hours. I feel guilty when I don’t know what’s new in their lives because I’m so busy with mine… I noticed, the only person I kept in touch with in primary school was one of the two I walked home with.  

 

I was upset the other day, because I was turned down by a job I really wanted, and the fact that my job hunting days are not yet over haunted me. I called one of my interesting friends late afternoon, starting off with “hey something’s bothering me…” but she was working on something and she said she’d called me in half an hour. I didn’t wait and started my own healing process. She didn’t call that night and I guess she was busy or that she forgot. I didn’t blame her, because I knew she was a busy person, like me, and I should have found someone else to call for help.

 

The next day she called, apologized that she didn’t call back yesterday and asked me what was wrong. I told her the gallery turned me down and I was rather down the day before, but everything’s okay now. Then we moved on talking about when we were having drinks next week and I promised to see if other people were free as well.

 

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That was the year I tested my parents if they remembered my birthday. At the end of the day I couldn’t help myself and told my brothers. They talked to Mom and she assured me that she didn’t forget, just that she was so busy with work that dates no longer register as anything else but last day of visas or appointments. I got my share of birthday parties when I was younger because I couldn’t help asking for one when May came. I didn’t think my parents thought I wasn’t important (my dad used my birthday as the password to the office door) or anything, but I just had this epiphany… there are a lot more important things than birthdays and I stopped being disappointed if people don’t remember mine, but rather pleasantly surprised when they do. Just, after that, I made it a point when it was Vincent or Steven’s birthday, I would buy a cake and a present when my mom was too busy and asked her to share the bill.  

 

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In the same month, I realized I was the second runner up of a book report competition organized outside the school. It was the first time I’ve won something outside school and I was thrilled. I called my dad at work to tell him, but he said he was tired and could it wait till he gets home. When I finally gave him the news, he said nothing. Afterwards he told me he’d rather I read English out loud better than writing book reports. He also reminded me that he helped me proof read my essay so that was why I won. Remembering how I was top in my class in primary school because everyone else was dim, or that I was top in English in my form in high school because he taught me everything I know and since I was born in the states, I should be nothing less… that was when I learned how I should judge the things I do. I’ve also stopped telling him good news, because I want it to remain good news.

 

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So stuff that used to bother me no longer does. I’ve always thought it was a sign of maturity; there’s this term the old and wise Chinese use – “看化”. They’d tell you they are neutral, beyond feeling anything over stuff because they’ve seen and experienced so much. So I identified the neutrality or indifference I often felt as exactly that. However, after reading my own words, I don’t know if I’ve grown wiser or I’ve simply got used to the way things happen around me.

Some sudden insights on Facebook

I went to two primary schools and quite honestly there were little fond memories of the second one though nothing really bad happened. I kept contact with only one classmate. However, a few months ago someone in our old class decided to have a class reunion and suddenly I found myself creating a new contact list called “Primary School” for these “new friends” in Facebook. Supposedly this is a perfect example of how Facebook is a great place to keep in touch with people; makes the world a smaller place, and I appreciated that… but after creating that list I’m having second thoughts.

 

Pedestrians

There are some people who had made little impact, or whose path so happened to cross yours for a tiny fraction of your life and under normal circumstances you don’t plan to keep in touch. I refer them as “the pedestrians in life (生命中的過客)”. Now with Facebook, you’re connected to almost every single person who passes by your life and you can’t let go. You can either not accept their “friend” request in the first place and earn the reputation of being “unfriendly”; or delete these people from your friend list after a period of time, though it seems cruel – to physically delete someone from your life.

 

Is it such a big deal, to still have that connection? Just think how much of your life is on display in Facebook: You upload loads of photos; the stuff you write on people’s Walls and “what’s in your mind” pretty much covers what’s happening in your life… and people don’t have to click to your profile and read on purpose, they just have to login Facebook and a whole page of News Feeds is loaded. If you were sharing these with your Actual Friends that’s alright, but most of us have people in our friend list who aren’t friends to begin with. If they were complete strangers, things probably would be better because tiny details of a strangers’ life are of no interest of theirs. By simply thinking all my simple acquaintance can know so much about my life… is enough to make me choke. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like it when people know so much about me and I’m not aware of it. In the end, I am handing everyone a share of M-E; giving them a bigger role in my life than they should have.

 

Announcements

“What’s on your mind”? I gather people don’t ask others that question too often. Initially it was a way to release a certain moment of emotion/thought, but then it changed into this public board where people say “I’m sad; comfort me”; some expect others to remember or notice changes of their Facebook status because they shout it out in an open field and people should have heard their cries. Although they may not meant it (only some, most of them do), but ultimately every single one of these people are seeking for attention; in our normal face-to-face interaction we never felt people around us could give us enough attention we need for various reasons, e.g. friends aren’t always around, or that people can’t anticipate our emotional needs… So how much attention should we get? Is this a healthy way to get the care and attention we want by making public announcements? At first, with Xanga or even the general usage of blogs, people make their lives public because in the end, people are desperate for empathy, understanding and support. With Facebook, you have this big pool of fixed audience. Is Facebook indulging us with the promise of constant attention and we would only crave for more?

 

Then I just got a friend request, realized it was one of my favorite teachers in high school and it made me remember Facebook does bring people closer; in a world where time is increasing valuable and actual human interactions can be surprisingly cold. Once again it proves that there are very few things in life that are absolute good or bad, just that we have to identify the trade offs and decide if it’s all worth it.

Looking into 1989.06.04

Suddenly I remember Molly telling me I can never be with a Japanese guy. I asked her why, and she said because she saw how worked up I was when we were working on our history project, regarding WWII, Japanese Occupation in Hong Kong, the Nanjing Massacre.

 

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For several months there has been so much commotion in Hong Kong regarding the Incident on the Fourth of June, 1989 at Tiananmen Square, China. I cannot refer it as a “Massacre” yet because this part of history hasn’t been officially recognized; no full records of the actual happenings and the number of deaths is still unclear.

 

I’ve heard several debates and was frustrated; those old politicians who so immediately disregard others’ opinion because they weren’t quick enough to say “the Chinese government are murderers” and attempted to see the whole incident in a different light; those university students who weren’t mature enough to comprehend the views of both government and the people, or simply saw it as another story; the many minutes or even hours arguing on semantics on referring an historical event that has yet to be recognized, let alone put in words.

 

My thoughts, as another simple twenty-two-year-old (I wanted to refer myself as a university graduate, but then university hasn’t helped me form any of my conclusions; don’t want to blame them for my simple ideas).

 

First, I think it is important to look from different perspectives of the two parties involved in the June Fourth Incident in order to understand why certain decisions were made and to make your own judgment. I think enough was said about on how brave those university students were when they openly made their discontent of the current government known out of patriotism, but were repaid by being attacked in the middle of the night by a fully armed army, firing around even though people were already running away from the square, and had military tanks ran over them. What the government did was obviously wrong and cruel and no one deserved it. Nevertheless we should still try to see things from the government’s side. It might not register as a cold-blooded decision to them when they ordered the troops to enter the city.

 

At that moment of history, while Chinese students and civilians all over the world were trying to urge the PRC to reform in terms of politics, market, speech… etc, the Chinese government saw the two-month protest of students as a threat to the normal operations of the country and must be stopped. China, not exactly famous for being open-minded and big about the rights of the people, were not comfortable with such “western” ideas those university students were proposing. Those politicians were old Chinese-father types with an authoritarian complex, and like many Chinese families when dealing children when they were disobedient or step out of the line and the father felt their authority was being threatened, they saw corporal punishment, Fear, was the way to go.

 

If we look back into Chinese history (or basically world history), those in power usually chose to use fastest and easiest way to stop things getting out of hand; they needed a sense of control and naturally saw violence and suppression as the solution to create a momentary stage of “peace”. Even now the world is still using war as a way to getting peace, using weaponry as a way to create a harmonious society… so with the heat up, the top guys in China decided that not only do they have to stop the protests, but they have to create a fear so great that people won’t start things up again.

 

It is crucial to know what was done was nothing new throughout history. Not saying that makes their decisions right, but it makes it understandable and the people involved cannot be entirely put in to blame. We are currently judging history with a modern perspective, which might not be fair; what we see as basic rights today were rare privileges. So what the student body was asking for were quite a lot at that stage. The government saw the protests as a threat to the country’s operation; they cannot see what those university students were doing was just trying to get their voices being heard, out of the love for their country. Those university students did not understand how difficult it is to run a country, were too fast into taking their western counterparts experience as an example and protested for their rights. At the same time, there were no means for the people’s voices to be heard and to be dealt with seriously by the government other than creating a stir.

 

The problem was that the government was too slow into accepting new ideas and were too comfortable into exercising their power to a point that they cannot see what they did was inhumane; the student body was too fast into asking for so many things that were unheard of throughout Chinese history, didn’t take to account that those in power were their grandfathers and fathers who are stubborn and cannot bear their authority to be challenged. Negotiation was not a concept that the older generation grasps well when dealing with the younger generation whom they also believe knows less. One side too stubborn to really listen, another was not yet mature enough to know how to make their dreams realized without being headstrong, and because what they did was out of patriotism and for the good of the country, they thought it is automatically justify what they did. Actions from both sides were understandable but what both did wrong was they thought they knew better; both didn’t recognize the fact that they were dealing with people with emotions and traits, not just the operations of a country.

 

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My mother (and many others) thought people today are wasting their time on demanding the Chinese government to officially address the Tiananmen Square Incident. There were several ideas: 1. People today are dwelling over the past, and did not see the importance of an apology. They say we should see the establishment of China today and focus on the future; 2. the whole world knows about June Fourth someway or any other (because it was broadcasted at that time), and the politicians knew it was wrong and have learnt their lesson;  3. In the past emperors has done terrible stuff, like Qin Shi Huang who unified China and had people build the Great Wall, was responsible of killing everyone who opposed him and burning valuable scrolls and literature. No one has asked him or China to apologize for his actions; 4. China is never going to apologize or make it officially know just because people demand it, so we might just as well accept it and move on.

 

First the past always comes back to you, and we aren’t talking about a person that will die within a hundred years, but a country which unless some maniac decides to destroy the world *cough*, is going to be around for a very long time. Whatever happens to that country moulds it and what to us humans is a decade or two, means only a few microseconds of a country’s life cycle. Looking in the bigger picture, addressing June Fourth is not only doing justice to those who were killed, but also essential to China’s growth. If we let the government go without owning up to its mistakes, hiding its flaws, choosing what it wants to accept as its life story… it’s unhealthy. I’m not looking for a public apology, but don’t treat it as a taboo subject and prosecute anyone who dares to mention it. There are times you can admit you made bad decisions, but that does not necessarily amounts to an apology because maybe you think you did what you had to do under certain circumstances. As I’m not a politician, it’s probably beyond my ability to understand why they didn’t explore other possible solutions to that period of mayhem. My biggest problem is why they want to mess with their history.

 

Regarding the lessons learnt the incident in Tiananmen Square, I see China today has learnt to make any large scale gathering that was not authorized by the officials illegal; it has learnt not to allow anyone to publicly oppose the government’s decisions in case it stirs up something big; the government has learnt to filter information, books, news and everything that may give ideas to their people that their country isn’t perfect. These were the “mistakes” China made, from allowing the protest to start from the first place. Are these the twisted lessons we want China to learn? The difference between Qin Shi Huang and June Fourth, is that what he did were recorded down and learned by every Chinese. Also, he was a monarch, one single being with selfish wants; his grasps of the people dies with him and he probably didn’t know better. Supposedly the formation of a government was to combine the minds of the able and come up with better ways of guiding their country to a better future; a government lives well longer than a king and should be all about serving the country. When several heads came up with the conclusion that the peoples’ voices should be drained by firepower, there is a problem. No one is denying Qin Shi Huang has done great things, but no one is saying he didn’t make mistakes. Why should the PRC government be any different?

 

It has just been 20 years since June Fourth, no one knows the actual facts, and most youngsters today really don’t care about history. Today the world probably has already forgotten about it, leaving only a group of people in Hong Kong, who mostly compose of people over thirty, to remind all Chinese outside China about it, and get the younger generation to care about something they have not experienced so that they can continue to insist June Fourth to be officially recognized. So obviously it isn’t enough to leave this part of history known. If the government doesn’t want people to fabricate the truth and make China look worse than it already is, then take control of the story. I’ve asked this question and turns out I’m not alone, is that if China wants Japan to officially recognize Nanjing Massacre, they should understand and set an example and address June Fourth.

 

So maybe China will never accept it as part of their history, but if Hong Kong people today don’t make a big deal out of it, this in a way is allowing the PRC government to get away with things and I believe any country, not only China, would make a habit out of it if no one complains loudly. Those public mourning, protests and education are necessary if people don’t want to give up all their power to the government, and they should not be regarded as a waste of time. Hong Kong is playing a bigger role in this than people realize, because Hong Kong (and probably Macau) is the only region that belongs to China and is still “allowed” to say something about it (as long as those activist don’t go to Mainland China and has no desire to join the PRC government body).

 

Regarding June Fourth, I thought what happened was almost inevitable; culture played a big part of how has happened and what is happening now, but what’s most important is how we deal with it today. I don’t expect the PRC to apologize for their actions (I think up to now they still think what they did was necessary…), but what I want is them to officially accept what they’ve done, not treat it as a taboo subject and have it officially taught in schools as part of Chinese history. History might be written by those in power and it does not reflect the entire truth, but at the very least the story is known.

 

If the PRC government thought what they did was necessary, then don’t treat it as a shameful tale and try making everyone forget all about it; if they knew what they did was mass murder, then face it. Whether we like it or not, that is going to be part of our history forever and hiding from our past can do us no good. Just because people are pointing out problems of the current situation of their country doesn’t mean they want to overthrow the government; it just means they care and want the country to turn better, not worse.

Physical and Psychological Torment that men might not be able to handle.


For some reason a book that I read almost three years ago came up to my mind today. It made me sick to my stomach; knowing that it was based on a true story I couldn’t bring myself to read it a second time for a while. It’s Lorenzo Carcaterra – Sleepers. All I can say is, if anyone deserves to die for their sins, those men who were shot certainly did.


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There was this book I read, Catherine Atkins – When Jeff comes home, a couple of years ago. Immediately after finishing it I had Vincent and Steven read it. When I told my mom the theme of the book and I had my brothers to read it, she was ready to strangle me but after I told her my thoughts she wasn’t so displeased. Basically it was about a young boy who was kidnapped when he was 13, was held captive and sexually abused for almost three years.


If you ask a girl what could be the worst thing that could ever happen to her, it would include either being killed (climbing up into the girl’s room that was at least ten stories high in the middle of the night, stab and decapitate her… ah the power of love.) or getting raped. Even for the most clueless girl, the term rape must have at some point crossed her mind. Not to de-dramatize the whole ordeal, but at the very least the worst was somehow “expected” and most of the time they have a vague idea of how much they can lose. Not to mention women have grown up surrounded by horrible tales of such physical and mental torture and learn to somewhat avoid situations when there is such a threat.


Ask guys the same questions, the worst they could think of would probably be either getting killed or castrated. Very rarely would they consider rape. However, because most guys have so little education on this subject where they might be the victim, or that it seems to them that they have little possibility of facing it in normal life, the damage can be so much deeper; because in no way can they imagine the degree the shame and helplessness… it’s humiliation down to the core, down to the most basic animalistic characters of the body and soul… and it’s forever. Rape is more likely to break a guy because of their inborn pride and ego as a male being. Girls, even with strong female pride, somehow are mentally more adapted (because of the “training” through out history maybe?) of recovering from psychological torment (this is Definitely NOT a reason why you rape a girl…). All this makes guys more vulnerable to such attacks.


The most terrible thing about rape is that it’s almost unpreventable. I’ve heard of a father attempting to rape his baby girl three days after the baby was carried home; mothers sexually assaulting their sons; the case of the father in Austria imprisoned and raped his daughters for over twenty years… my parents never really specifically taught me to protect myself against issues as such, rather they told me to be constantly vigilant of my surroundings, don’t trust no one because anyone could hurt you… etc @@. So I wonder, how is it possible for me to teach my children (if I decide to have any) of such horrors? How can I hint to them that anyone, even their own parents, their aunties and uncles… can hurt you and in such a tremendously haunting way, and I probably have to remind them from time to time? I have to teach them that somehow they can trust no one. How can you teach your child to differentiate a simple hug or a kiss from something more? A child’s mind shouldn’t be polluted the world’s hideousness, but by keeping them ignorant would probably be the worst thing to do…


So when I read a blogger expressing how that unemployed guy, who killed his three sisters and beheaded his sister who just had her five-year-old birthday, deserves to die, I was thinking, that guy was under stress, he was sick, he was mentally weak… his actions were almost understandable. I believe that even though a person killed other people, it doesn’t give us, other human beings the right to do the same thing and kill (i.e. decide whether a person deserves to live). But rape… it’s not simply about the physiological need to have sex; people have targets, obsessions… something that can only be done by the intelligent human beings. I wonder with disgust of how humanity could manage to produce monsters as such.

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